A Chapter by Surrealstorm











He’d never felt rain before.


             In the middle of a small cul-de-sac, a very tall strange looking man stood drenched completely by the midsummer’s rain. It was a warm rain, very odd for Northern Virginia. But it was still enough to chase everyone else inside, desperate to be dry. The man didn’t seem to care that he was wet, instead he reveled in the new experience.


            His clothes were completely wet, tight against his skin. He plucked at the material in child-like wonder. His hair, normally a glorious silver mane lay flat against his head. A few tendrils stuck to his face, emphasizing the inhumanly perfect bone structure. His oddly colored eyes glowed with a delight that he hadn’t felt in a lifetime. A hundred lifetimes.


            He smiled slowly, letting it gradually widen across his face. He wasn’t used to smiling, not with joy. The action felt odd, like it was stretching his face too tight.


            A small sound interrupted the man’s thoughts and the smile disappeared as quickly as it had come. Beside him was a small ugly creature, it’s face mashed with small squinty eyes. It looked up at the man curiously, before pointing to the house at the bottom of the cul-de-sac.


            “She’s in there, sire. I can hear her heartbeat.”


            “Well stop listening to it. It’s not yours to hear,” The man replied gruffly. His voice was beautiful, even when irritated.


            He walked forward towards the house and the creature moved with him. The man stopped suddenly, casting a harsh looked to his side.


            “Where do you think you’re going?”


            “To show you the girl, sire.” The creature looked baffled by the question. The man laughed roughly.


            “You actually think I would let you near her?” He laughed again. “Go back by the tree, Aldirad and keep quiet.”


            Aldirad mumbled as he turned and left, but the man didn’t hear it. He was already at the front door of the house.


            He waved his hand over the knob and the door opened without so much as a creak. He quietly stepped in making sure to shut the door behind him. There were people still awake; he could hear them talking a couple rooms away. They wouldn’t see him though. He was like a ghost passing through their house.


            He moved silently up the stairs, his feet barely touching the floor. He walked past the first two doors, both of which were empty before stopping at the last room at the end of the hall. He stepped into the room, and took a deep breath as excitement shot through his veins.


            The room was brightly colored, obscenely so and he grimaced at the childish decorations. High up on the wall above a large ornate crib was a name in blocky colorful letters. ASHLYNN.


            He walked to the crib his hands hovering over the polished wood. Inside the crib was a small child, no more than a couple of months old. He reached down, his fingers trembling slightly and stroked her cheek.  Her skin was as pale and soft against his hands. Her hair was a black tuft on the top of her head. Her lips were a rosy red that stood out starkly against her pale skin. He smiled. She was his own little Snow White.



            He used two fingers and gently brushed her eyelids, making them glow silver. It was his mark, his way of always finding her. The glow faded almost as quickly as it had come, but it was done. He stepped back from the crib preparing to leave when her eyes suddenly snapped open uncovering some of the most devastatingly beautiful eyes he had ever seen. They were like obsidian, so black that they reflected his image back to him. His breath left him in a quick rush. The look in those eyes was not the look of a child; they were angry and cold.


            He took a step back before he realized what he had done. He forced himself to step back to the crib and face the accusation in those eyes. Those ancient eyes bored into him and the air began to feel thick all around him, suffocating him. Energy seemed to swirl around him, the tendrils tasting him, analyzing his strength. Despite his fear he began to chuckle lightly. She was perfect.


            “I meant no harm.” He spoke the words clearly, his voice as calm as he could make it. The energy pulled back slowly, prepared to strike at him.


            He stepped back, making his way to the window without taking his eyes off her. At the window he whispered, “Don’t forget me,” before slipping through it as if there had been no window at all.


            Once on the ground he walked to the tree where Aldirad sat sullenly motioning with one hand for him to follow. The squat little creature scrambled up to him, having to move twice as fast as the man to keep up.


            “You did well.” The man said as they walked down the street.


The little man beamed up at him. “Thank you, sire. Is there anything else I can do for you?” The words were said quickly as if he couldn’t get them out fast enough.



“Yes, you can shut up.”


            At the end of the road, the air shimmered like mist in front of them. They walked through the silvery mist, the man first, followed quickly by the small ugly creature. Once through the mist they disappeared completely as if they’d never existed.


























































© 2009 Surrealstorm

My Review

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Featured Review

All I can say is amazing! Your quality of writing is very polished and professional. The only thing I would probably change would be in the fifth paragraph: "It looked up at the man with a curious look," the word look sounds too repititious in the same sentence. It might flow better if you switch one of them.
I absolutely loved the opening line, and the way you describe everything makes the setting very vivid in my mind. Great job.

Posted 14 Years Ago

2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


This is really well written and fascinating! A great start; I can't wait to read more. Hope you keep writing!

Posted 12 Years Ago

Holy wow this is amazing
Great Job

Posted 14 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love it! The way you describe is exquisite! :)

Posted 14 Years Ago

Awesome. Just perfectly awesome. Vivid and captivating. I can't wait to see what happens next. You're creating a whole new world. Great job. :D

Posted 14 Years Ago

loved it!!!! it was awesome!!!

Don't Stop Beilievin'

Posted 14 Years Ago

This is very interesting so far! It reminds of a book that I've read before. :]


Posted 14 Years Ago

Wow, effin' amazing.
I love the imagery. Haha.
I would totally buy this.. xD

Posted 14 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This was mystifying at the most. I enjoyed on a certain level because it doesn't contain very much action or very much explanation as to who the characters really are and keeps everything on a hush-hush: in other words, it does what any good prologue should.

I'm not too keen on if the man mentioned here is evil or not, or if the child is evil, or if anyone was evil, and I like this. It gives me room to make assumptions about the characters and doesn't force any alignments on me from the get-go. It also doesn't contain an immense amount of magic or impossibilities crammed into the first entry of the story, just (what I assume to be) a goblin. This kept me interested because I want to know more about this...whatever it was because it wasn't described in it's entirety. In fact, it wasn't described at all.

All in all, this is a good prologue to what looks to be a good story. I shall read on.

PS: Have you ever read the Bartimeaus Trilogy? This reminded me very much of it.

Posted 14 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Maybe if I changed my font over to something like this on my book it'd look better. This is an interesting prologue and it is terrific. Usually I don't get into books with elves, goblins, et cetera. But this one hasn't one thing to lack that doesn't grab my attention. Very rich and verbose. I give you a 4/5, because I think it should've been first character, but maybe I'm just being too much of a critique. Good job. 4/5.

Posted 14 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Awesome job
I didn't see any errors in the chapter
Great description and imagery

Posted 14 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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12 Reviews
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on September 23, 2009
Last Updated on November 16, 2009



Fredericksburg, VA

NOTICE: The name ASHLAN has been changed to ASHLYNN In the Story "The Secrets of the Goblin King" due to the amount of complaints I have had on other sites regarding it. Thank you! HI I've nev.. more..

chapter 1 chapter 1

A Chapter by Surrealstorm

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