Shrinking

struggles with an unaddressed eating disorder

“Shrinking” 6-28-2015

 

Growing up, mirrors were something I avoided

Reflective surfaces were not my friend

But now, I find myself staring at every chance I get

At my reflection in the mirror

 

Looking at my face, the changing planes

The cheekbones that have, over the last couple years or so, began to push

Against the ever more tightly drawn skin of my face

At the ever deeper dimples, at the eyes that seem larger

Every time they make contact with their reflected counterparts

At the dark bags and hollow spaces beneath them

That used to be so full of life

I tell myself that nobody else can see

That nobody else notices how lifeless they look

I tell myself that I only see it because I know what caused these changes

Along with the matching empty spaces inside of me

 

I know about the missed meals

I hear the seemingly endless excuses

The “I’m not hungry”s and the “I just need more sleep”s

The “school is just so stressful”s and the “I don’t have time to eat”s

I know about the hatred I felt toward those fuller, healthier features

The sinister obsession with bones

I look at my chest and notice how, for the first time in my life

I can see the lines of ribs, finally visible across my flatter than ever chest

And the points of my shoulders

Stabbing like daggers through the tighter than ever skin

I feel my hips, the way they stand so far from my stomach

 

I feel the way boys grab them now

Different, hungrier, I know they find me more attractive

I get more glances, more chances

With guys who never would have looked twice

They validate my feelings, my obsessions

They don’t see the before picture

They don’t know about the hatred and the worrying

Over every single calorie

They don’t hear the phone calls from my mother asking “what did you eat today?”

 

I stare at myself and see less every time I glance in the mirror

I stare at myself because all I see is a shrinking person,

One with too many fears and not enough meals

But everyone around me stares, too

And they just see more beauty

S.R.M.

Author's Note

very rough, basically no punctuation, sloppy, but this was more about the emotion for me

Reviews

[Rainslover]

I can see it! The emotion you want to express, something everyone experiences in life! Even I am experiencing it, that's why I feel! When people say what less do you have, I get so frustrated! They never know the cries of mine in frustration of fighting myself with myself everyday, trying to be someone else everyday, to not be me because people expect something out of me! But, I know I still will be me and no matter what anyone says I can't help!

Really wonderful and brilliant, the feelings just touch my heart straight away! The expressing is too beautiful and raw! I love raw writings and this is one of them!

[S.R.M.]

Thank you so much! I am glad you feel the emotion, that's what i was going for while writing this. I tried not to edit it really to preserve that raw feeling, thank you :)

[Sharon Kim]

This is powerful! I can feel the raw emotion and it makes me sad the way society glorifies super skinny as the ideal woman. I can see the struggle, frustration and unhappiness at becoming an ideal you don't agree with.

[S.R.M.]

Thank you! "Frustration and unhappiness at becoming an ideal you don't agree with" perfectly describes the feelings behind this, I'm so glad that's what you got from it!