Part 2: Chapter 4

Part 2: Chapter 4

A Chapter by Stars and Whales

Part 2

Chapter 4


Lora stood shaking, gun in hand. She felt lost in the darkness and distant from her surroundings. Tension within the large room had ascended to a high degree.

“You have two options, young one. Kill this man or face the seven trials I am placing upon all the People. If you shoot this man in the head, right now, you can skip it and become my successor!” The Sloth Man said.

Many different stresses and contemplations slapped her across the face in that moment. Sweat tickled her skin from head to toe and the pistol felt slippery in her shaking hand. To shoot the stupid man or not to shoot the stupid man! Trutt was a piece of crap: that’s all he was. What was wrong with murdering a piece of a crap?

But something felt terribly wrong to Lora. The Sloth Man cackled loudly as he glowered over Lora like a black cloud. The air felt intense and it gripped her lungs and heart with an iron fist. Something seemed out of place--Lora alleged it was because to murder an unarmed, helpless man off an order by a psychopathic brute was not who she truly was. Yes, that was it. For why was she living if she was to accept murderous orders from a stupid sloth-like man. Didn’t that make her no better than a small tick or a mite attached to the larger Sloth? Just biting away at its rubber skin with no incentive but to reap the Sloth of his desirable blood? Her sweat turned to ice and freezed her skin into a trembling chill. The trigger on the gun seemed to shake of its own accord. In fact, the whole world around her looked as though shaking in a inconceivable blur.

Lora decided she should shoot Trutt. He was a selfish wretch and did not deserve life at

all. Right? But then another outcome bit away at her flesh, telling her she was better than that and that she could face the trials, whatever they may be, just like everyone else. For she didn’t want to be the Sloth Man’s successor. Who would want to be the servant of a slimy, wretched, evil, sloth-like man?

Was it right to take the life of an unarmed, hopeless man? Lora couldn’t see a purpose in his living, but the ethics she grew up on so long ago kept coming back to snarl and cackle loudly around her brain. She lowered the gun. Then she gritted her teeth and let the gun fall to the ground with a clang of metal connecting with the hard floor. “I won’t have any part in your plans. My name will not be conflicted with your evil genocide and trials. So, you sloth, tell me--what are these trials I am to face? I’m sure it won’t be as challenging as the nightmares I am certain to have from your face.”

The Sloth Man smiled within the silent room, but the expression seemed to make the silence louder than silence had ever been before. He licked his lips sloppily as he snatched the pistol off the ground. He instantly aimed it at Trutt’s head and pulled the trigger with a bang. Lora jumped, backing up slowly, a loud buzz exploding in her eardrums. “You devil! Your plans will never become reality! You’ll fall just--just like everyone else!” she screamed, her voice echoing throughout the room.

The Sloth Man pointed at Trutt’s dead body. “No, girl. I’m in control.”

The group of Pinches stood in shock staring at Trutt’s dead body, but none dared show it on their faces. Lora scanned the room quickly, heart beating. The whole room seemed to shove pressure into her face and bring out an emotion within her she didn’t know she had. Sniffing, she turned and ran from the room, slamming the tall doors behind her. She didn’t see S.Z and Al follow closely behind her.

She swung to a halt on a tall, wooden pole. Sniffing, she caught a glimpse of a poster with large block letters spelling out the words, “Hail the King! Hail the victorious ruler!” Below these words was a photo of the Sloth Man, and below that were instruction for the seven trials, as well as what would happen of those who denied them.

Trial 1: Exaltation

Trail 2: Obligation

Trial 3: Devotion

Trial 4: Vanquish

Trial 5: Overcome

Trial 6: Hope

Trial 7: Pity the deceased

Lora looked up. She blinked to remove some of the moisture that enveloped her eyelids. Then she looked around at her virtually black and white surroundings. Lifeless bodies lay scattered across the dusty floor, their eyes blank and puffy. Blood and dirt was spat upon the blackened walls. What was this life? Something had to be done. The freedom to do as they pleased and live as they desired had destroyed them. What lie ahead seemed nothing but oblivion.



© 2015 Stars and Whales


My Review

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Featured Review

I give critiques, meant to help you write. If this review offends you, PM me and I'll take it down.

Your style is a bit.. impersonal? I guess that's how I would describe it. While this isn't as important as in first person writes, I think you should filter everything through the eyes of the hero (heroine). Some examples from the text:
"Tension within the large room had ascended to a high degree."
"Many different stresses and contemplations slapped her across the face in that moment."
While these technically do describe what is happening to the protagonist, it just sounds foreign. As in, almost unrelated to the character.
Personal Theory:
This is basically a way of telling, instead of showing emotions. Except downgraded further, if you follow me. So, while emotions should be shown with character reactions, you just described the reason for the emotion.
Reason -> Emotion -> Reaction
Those two examples are reasons, and they feel unnatural because they're not real happenings.
Sorry, I don't get my explanation either.

It goes a bit slowly. Probably the big paragraphs and small text, they hurt my eyes.

The Sloth Man is not really a fear/anger - inspiring name. But I guess if you support it right, which you probably did...

Also, more filtering problems. The reader naturally presumes that any comment or observation is coming from the protagonist, so you don't need to specify this. Which you sometimes do. Examples:
"something felt terribly wrong to Lora" - the 'to Lora'.
"Lora decided she should shoot" - the 'Lora decided'.
"Lora couldn’t see a purpose in his living" - this one actually sounds natural. Maybe I'm wrong with all of them?

Small grammer problems, your editor should pick those out.

I generally use power lines when something suprising happens. Power lines are when you make a separate paragraph, usually after a long one, to highlight a sentence.
"The Sloth Man pointed at Trutt’s dead body." - This is the beginnning of one. Somehow I feel like instead of this being the power line, the sentence where he shoots the person should be one. Just feels more important, more suprising. You know, loud gunshots and stuff.

The Trials list tells me nothing. I still have no clue what each of them are, and lists look odd on the printed page.

"Sniffing, she caught a glimpse of a poster" - Firstly, sniffing? Am I missing something? Second, this whole scene seems a bit melodramatic.

Overall, very advanced writing style. Congrats on being the single best story writer I have seen on the website, including myself. Remember, the more you write the better it gets.
So keep it up. Good luck.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stars and Whales

8 Years Ago

Meeks...this is great, most people don't take time to give an in-depth critique, but what you have g.. read more



Reviews

I give critiques, meant to help you write. If this review offends you, PM me and I'll take it down.

Your style is a bit.. impersonal? I guess that's how I would describe it. While this isn't as important as in first person writes, I think you should filter everything through the eyes of the hero (heroine). Some examples from the text:
"Tension within the large room had ascended to a high degree."
"Many different stresses and contemplations slapped her across the face in that moment."
While these technically do describe what is happening to the protagonist, it just sounds foreign. As in, almost unrelated to the character.
Personal Theory:
This is basically a way of telling, instead of showing emotions. Except downgraded further, if you follow me. So, while emotions should be shown with character reactions, you just described the reason for the emotion.
Reason -> Emotion -> Reaction
Those two examples are reasons, and they feel unnatural because they're not real happenings.
Sorry, I don't get my explanation either.

It goes a bit slowly. Probably the big paragraphs and small text, they hurt my eyes.

The Sloth Man is not really a fear/anger - inspiring name. But I guess if you support it right, which you probably did...

Also, more filtering problems. The reader naturally presumes that any comment or observation is coming from the protagonist, so you don't need to specify this. Which you sometimes do. Examples:
"something felt terribly wrong to Lora" - the 'to Lora'.
"Lora decided she should shoot" - the 'Lora decided'.
"Lora couldn’t see a purpose in his living" - this one actually sounds natural. Maybe I'm wrong with all of them?

Small grammer problems, your editor should pick those out.

I generally use power lines when something suprising happens. Power lines are when you make a separate paragraph, usually after a long one, to highlight a sentence.
"The Sloth Man pointed at Trutt’s dead body." - This is the beginnning of one. Somehow I feel like instead of this being the power line, the sentence where he shoots the person should be one. Just feels more important, more suprising. You know, loud gunshots and stuff.

The Trials list tells me nothing. I still have no clue what each of them are, and lists look odd on the printed page.

"Sniffing, she caught a glimpse of a poster" - Firstly, sniffing? Am I missing something? Second, this whole scene seems a bit melodramatic.

Overall, very advanced writing style. Congrats on being the single best story writer I have seen on the website, including myself. Remember, the more you write the better it gets.
So keep it up. Good luck.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stars and Whales

8 Years Ago

Meeks...this is great, most people don't take time to give an in-depth critique, but what you have g.. read more
The story and the way you describe things just keeps getting better and better. :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


This is to let you know I have read this chapter, you know the drill :~)

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I really like the story you got here!
Well done!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stars and Whales

8 Years Ago

Thank you Emily!
it`s getting more interesting on each chapter,

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

when the book comes out I want a signed copy my friend!! love it!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stars and Whales

8 Years Ago

Thank you, terry!

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Added on November 5, 2015
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Stars and Whales
Stars and Whales

Middle Earth, The Shire



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"Even Darkness Must Pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer." -Samwise Gamgee I love to write, and I hope to become a published writer some day. I ho.. more..

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