Untitled

This is a poem is about something very personal that unfortunately happened to me. I would love it if you would take the time to read and feedback on it. I have not thought about what to call it yet.

A vicious valley of despair.
A survivor left with a scar to declare.
Crimson rivers flood memories buried
Where does the river begin?

Touched with the taste of joy
Beneath God's watchful eyes.
As the mournful moon waits...
The sinful stars begin their show.

Foolish hands clutch it tight
It's sinister smile shines bright
Lustful liquid indulges me
I didn't mean it.

This was it. The moment strung by fate
Do it!
Those words cut me deep,
Deeper then any wound could.

A flip of sides
A chance to live
Was this something I could forgive?
No. They would never let me.

Swallowed whole by a painless paroxysm
The luxurious, richness, oozes.
The valley immediately floods
It's river washes a wave of worry.

Alone.
Surrounded by white coated trees
Experienced branches devour me
Safe but who really did care?

It was over.
Snatched by destiny's greedy claws
Taken before I had chance to bid farewell
Free.

A con-coxed emotion too heavy to share.
So isolated I stare,
No one to tell.
Instead I fell. And Drowned. 

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

I really liked this poem! I don't have much to say critique-wise, although maybe you should have the last sentence, "And Drowned," on its own line? Over all I really think it was great, I even added it to my favorites. :)

[SarahV]

Thanks so much it means a lot! Also I agree it would be better on a lines of it's own but I think I just wanted to stick to the same number of lines for each stanza, but yeah I totally agree >_< Thanks for the feed back!! I'll be sure to feedback on your work. :)

[Riley Bray]

Awesome and no problem! X3

[SarahV]

I'l review some of your work tomorrow as I'm about to fall asleep ! D:

[Riley Bray]

Haha okay that's fine :P

[A.E. Surdam]

Beautiful and mesmerizing. A great read, packed full of emotion. Wonderful imagery. Thanks for sharing!

[SarahV]

Thank you so much!

[Just Kim]

This is one asmazing piece pf poetry,
Love it, it's beautiful

[SarahV]

Thank you it means a lot :)

[Emily Feret]

Well this was sad, but also beautiful in the way it was written!

[SarahV]

Thank you :)

[Sir Joseph]

Bravo on the very heart felt write! You conveyed a sense of a hopeless fight in this piece that you put together beautifully! :)

[SarahV]

Thanks very much!

[Sir Joseph]

Welcome!:)

[Dr. Wood ?]

very tragic but also well disguised in a way......You have done well here..I wonder how long this took you...You DO need to title it though but I understand how hard that can be sometimes

[SarahV]

Yeah I keep forgetting to title it... But thank you very much! I can't remember how long it took me I would write a stanza or two and leave it for a few days or so then continue and edit it as I went a long after the event had happend, I think about 2 weeks tops. :)

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

Full of emotion, nice use of word choices. Makes me want to cradle you in a loving fathers arms and tell you, you are loved and that this too will pass.

[SarahV]

Awh thank you very much :)

[Pankaj Lohia]

nice poem.. i liked it a lot.. but u should give a name to it soon :) and loved the way you have talked about the moon and stars.. i love the night sky a lot. its the most romantic thing ever :)

[SarahV]

Thank you, the use of the moon and star's had deeper meaning and were more metaphorical as well as setting the scene. " As the mournful moon waits..." - This was used to set the scene and the sense of negative forboding. "The sinful star's begin their show" this was used to say that the 2 characters of this dreadful act of violence began their "show". Thank you for your comment :)

[Pankaj Lohia]

yes i knw that in this poem they were used as metaphors.. but i was just sayin that the moon and stars are generally very romantic :) .. btw where in the UK are u from?

[MOON]

Poignant write mysterious , flowing write . Lovely imagery too.

[SarahV]

Thanks for the comment I appreciate it!

[Zap-the-awesome]

I like it. Interesting, makes you wonder and pay attention. excellent!

[SarahV]

Thank you :)