My Legend

A fantastical, tongue-in-cheek story written by my son. Please see his biography to understand why this was posted.

My legend is one of death; I was a revered general that led the armies of the empire to many victories. But with the passing of time the emperor fell ill. Instead of handing his reins of his kingdom to his evil son Chubaka the Big Foot, he asked me to be the Guardian of his lands upon his death. Through the employment of magic, Chubaka learned of his father’s wishes and he murdered him with his “Sword of the Light” before his father’s final command could be ratified in the people’s court. Chubaka claimed the throne and I was condemned to die in the Gladiators arena for the amusement of the masses.

The name given to me in the arena was Bruce Lee, and as I vanquished one foe after the next in Mortal Kombat. I became the most feared warrior in all of the fighting games. Recognizing my formidable skills as a swordsman, the supreme master Raden recruited me to fight in a tournament against supernatural beings that wished ill upon humanity. I fought through a gauntlet of strange fighters with the powers of the Scorpion, the reptile, and one who could freeze his opponents with a single conjured blast of ice Sub-Zero. I called upon the great force, the fantastical energy that connects all life, and suddenly I was filled with the power of a hundred men. I slew each of the supernatural beings as if they were mere children and the world was, for a time, safe.

I became rich from these conquests and I enjoyed the spoils of my victories. I continued to spill the blood of many men and dwarves, increasing my hit points daily. But with wealth came great responsibilities. As a member of Wu-Tang Clan, I saw it as my duty to protect the city and its inhabitants from evildoers and when a crime wave fell upon us, I reacted. Using my vast fortunes I designed never-before-seen weapons, all of which mimicked the vicious fighting nature of the bat. I created a suit that allowed me to glide through the air, a belt equipped with various doodads of destruction, and I traveled from crime scene to crime scene in a black chariot that allowed me to race forward at great speeds across paths of smooth rock.

As my wealth and arrogance grew I took great risk. One afternoon I was approached by a stout shiny-headed man who wished to wager for my beloved “chariot.”  Thinking that no mortal could defeat me I agreed to a race. We flew like the wind down a stone path, our machines screaming with power while causing much property damage. But alas, the man with the chrome like dome defeated me. Being a man of my honor, I bestowed upon him a pink slip for my beloved chariot, and retreated to the caves of Mordor to grieve. I cast aside my Earthly possessions, all my wealth, even my honor. All I brought with me was a single golden ring, my precious.

When I emerged many years later it was to a strange and wondrous world. The gears of change had been busy in my absence and there now were boxes that could transport images and sound across great distances. One day the leaders of every country appeared on these boxes and their message was earnest: “Beings from another world are descending upon us. They traveled in ships the size of cities and they had made their intentions clear. They are going to try and destroy the entire human race.”

I was Earth’s only hope. But realizing that the empire had betrayed me by casting me into the arena, they could not ask me to fight for them. Instead they employed trickery and sent Colonel Sam Trautman, a dear old friend who I had served under in the Great War on the planet Avatar. He assured me that I would be under his command and if I went to battle, I would get what I truly desired; which was for my country to love me as much as I loved it.

Knowing we were outnumbered 50,000 to 1, Trautman and I commandeered an enemy craft. The craft looked like a metallic hawk that flew faster than lightning itself. We took to the sky but we did not attempt to engage the enemy forces as we were just one and they were many. Instead we flew our stolen craft directly into their mother ship pretending that we were one of their own. It was there that we learned that the bowels of their ships were actually flesh and blood. Instead of driving a stake down into the heart of that ship, I released a virus that traveled not just throughout the mother ship but also throughout the enemy’s vessels. In a matter of minutes I had saved the planet.

But alas, there was not enough time for me to fly my foreign bird away before the enemy ships exploded. So I was forced to travel into a strange device they called the Stargate and it transported me to a different universe. I was set down on a small desert planet and the primitive inhabitants mistook me for a god. They showered me with jewels and women, but after many years of basking in these luxuries I left my tribe of Ewoks and searched the sky far and wide for a passageway back to my homeland. “Alas… I found it!” There was another Stargate in all that sky and in all that dark. I gripped destinies hand and together we flew through the passageway and in a matter of moments I once again recognize the stars around me.

But something was amiss. A massive mountain of pure rock was hurtling towards my homeland from the heavens. I knew if this monolith impacted my world it would surely destroy it with great floods, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and firestorms. The great danger lay just below my machine and so I brought the craft down upon the chaotic surface. A team of my comrades had already arrived on the rock led by a man name Bruce Willis. They had drilled a deep hole into the core of the object and were preparing to blow it to bits with an explosive device. When the timing device failed to operate it became clear that one of us had to stay behind and manually detonate the weapon. Someone had to lay down his life for our home world. I told the others to go and leave me behind so I could carry out this final task. I only asked them to tell my wives that I loved them all.

After my comrades had flown away into the darkness I pressed the button that would reunite me with my ancestors of Yore, including Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, Rocky Balboa, Mr. Han from Karate Kid, Luke Skywalker, and Betty White. The subsequent explosion decimated the rock on which I had chosen to die. Yet alas, I did not perish. I was hurled into a cloud of rock and debris and with my godlike strength I clung to a small fragment of stone as it spun wildly outward. Once I was clear of the discharge, the ride smoothed and I realized I was heading toward my home planet. I rode that rock down though the hot atmospheres as a returning conqueror on fire steering it to its destination while my golden locks of magnificent hair blown ever so wildly from the force of the wind. I managed to maneuver my horse of stone toward a vast blue ocean as I filled my iron lungs with the deepest breath I have ever taken just before I hit the water. The force of the impact pushed me down hundreds of feet. My world turned to black.

I awoke to find that I had grown webbed feet and gills and that I was underwater. As my vision cleared my eye were met with the strangest sight. A small yellow square sponge and an enormously obese pink starfish were staring at me with wide eyes. Once they realized I was alright they burst into hysterical laughter and ran away cackling at the top of their lungs. I had no idea where I was. In fact it came as quite a surprise when I had wandered outside and realized I had been in a dwelling made from a giant, hollowed-out pineapple. At any rate I seized the opportunity and swam desperately toward the surface what seemed like many miles above.

As I made it to the surface it took me a great many days to make it to land. On the fifth night of my great swim I ran into a creature who calls himself Aquaman and his wife Ariel, a mermaid princess. They loaned me their giant Sperm Whale named Moby Dick which saved me at least 7 days of swimming and raised my awesomeness points to new heights as I rode into land with great pride. When I finally stood on solid land my entire country stood before me and the President himself bestowed upon me the nation’s highest honor, “The Medal of Valor,” for my great bravery.

I settled into my house with my many wives and my two dogs, Cujo and Obama. We’ve lived in harmony ever since. But I will stand prepared as I always have to once again defend my lands, my women, and you; my "Children of the Corn".

Author's Note

Submitted by a mother anonymously, please see biography to understand this post. I did not edit this, only changed one word quiet to quite.