Trickles of Thought

Well, since Writers Cafe deleted all of my work, I guess it's time to quit stalling and try to rebuild. Excuse this piece, it's pretty rough, but I like it all the same.

Rain is something that pours from the head

Through eyelashes, ear lobes,

And that dimple hanging at the edge of your cheek

 

Thunder is something that screams from the mouth

Daisies of sound exploding, fresh, sweet,

Crackling like the candy wrapper in my pocket

 

Lightning is something that burns in the eyes

Whips of fire in spirals churning

Cutting the cascade with a plastic knife

 

If I tilt my neck the smallest bit

I just might let my hair down

And drown the whole world

Reviews

[Chiquita]

I like the disconnectedness of this. It is summed up in the name of the piece, "Trickles of Thought". It is just loosely associated enough to make it worthy of the name. It does follow the theme of a thunder storm. In the end it hints that tipping of the neck could drown the world with the trickling thoughts.

At times I feel like I will drown myself in my own trickling thoughts. I tend to call those moments: anxiety.

[Kayla]

Yeah I hear ya, this is my first day back on since they deleted all my work, but we learned a valuable lesson- never trust a site to archive your work. lol Anyways, yeah its a little rough, but I think it has some great use of language and has a lot of potential. I really liked the lines:
"Rain is something that pours from the head

Through eyelashes, ear lobes,

And that dimple hanging at the edge of your cheek"
its very bizzare and fresh. Nice write!

Awena

[imm's place]

wow powerful, vivid imagery wonderful, mary

[Michael X]

I like this, the metaphorical concept of this writing ..trickles of thougt" rain pouring from head..
through eyes lashes.. it's visual and artistically concieved.. the ending stanza put the finishing touches
with original concept- brings this poem together with feelings presented in idea.. I also enjoyed
the descriptive verb analogy..how it feels to flood the world with dispondency.. Nicely done.

[Greg the Bard]

Rain is one of the best subjects to write about. I love the imagery though out the poem. The poem flows a little fast for me. I had to force myself to slow down the reading. But that is mor3e a problem with me than the poem. Your use of rhytem is wonderful. I love the write.

[Alex McFadyen]

I love this poem too. Imagery is incredible, theme is consistent and strong, metaphors are solid. It is also very genuine. Will you marry me? ;)

[Celtic Cat]

For some odd reason, I'm having a hard time reviewing this. I love it....but can't pull out a piece to say "this is the part I fell in love with" or a magical phrase that lit me up. It's like a complete cascading of tremendous observations and imagery that completely sucked me in. I can definitively say this: I LOVED the ending. Thought it was beautiful.
Excellent piece...sorry I'm having a hard time finding better words to leave in review!!
Much love~~

[Collette]

I like this for so many reasons. The obvious is the imagery, of course. I would have never thought to link aspects of the weather to human qualities, but you've definitely done it in a way that works well, and effectively. Likewise, I enjoyed this for its underlying possibilities. Its meaning could go in so many different directions, but it simply evoked a sense of the link between humanity and nature. So often, we feel as though we are above the animal guise. This is a little reminder that we are not as distant as we think. My favorite lines have to be:

If I tilt my neck the smallest bit
I just might let my hair down
And drown the whole world

simply for the fact that it reminds me of my own hair, which probably could suffocate another. haha. Really though, excellent imagery, nice flow, everything kept the reader engaged. Only thing I might change is adding a bit more. I felt as though the ending kind of left me hanging.
Thanks for sharing! Keep the read requests coming.

[James K. Blaylock]

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It made me think of all the bad weather we had here - in Texas- last night, although I'm sure its true meaning is much deeper. This was my fav stanza...

Thunder is something that screams from the mouth

Daisies of sound exploding, fresh, sweet,

Crackling like the candy wrapper in my pocket