Part II: 6 Months Later

Part II: 6 Months Later

December 18, 2008 

Dear Diary: 

 I don’t think I can do it anymore. Between working from 11-7 and starting school at 11 and finishing at 5, I don’t have the energy to do both. I know I have to make a choice, and it’s a tough decision, but I think I’m going to stick with working. I’m making an income, plus, it’s kinda hard for me to catch up in school, I’m failing so many classes. My parents aren’t going to be too happy about it, but at least I won’t be doing nothing. Who knows, maybe I could save enough to move out and get a place of my own, or at least with some roommates. Maybe I’ll ask Lizzie to move in with me when she gets back. I have a crush on the one guy I work with, Ted, but he says he’s gay. I’ll admit, he’s a bit flamboyant, but not gay. Bisexual maybe, but not gay, although he is dating Vince, another guy I work with. If Jack ever found out that I even thought about liking someone else, he’d probably sleep with that chick again. Luckily for him, he’s been on his best behavior, the best I’ve ever seen from him. These past six months with Jack have been great, I even rewarded him for his good behavior last night. He may have some potential after all, he hasn’t slipped up once and he’s been nothing but good to me lately, I think he’s actually doing more than just trying. I met some interesting people while working at my new job. It’s a gas station called Chicken Mountain, it’s a funny name, I know.  The regular people I met are actually pretty cool. Like, there’s this one lady, Gerta, who is legally blind in both eyes, have had both legs amputated, five heart attacks, is a chain smoker, diabetic, and is only forty-five, (and gives me some pretty good weed when she has it). Then there’s this black guy, Tom, he’s one of the weirdest people I ever met, but he’s got some good advice when he needs to supply it, he runs this service to help with laziness, he thinks it’s a disease that should be addressed in this country, and he’s friendly and well mannered, but he’s really ghetto sounding. Anyway, I should probably get to bed, tomorrow’s the day I drop out, I hope my parents won’t be too mad at me. 

Sandra walks from the community college to her house, walks in and heads into her bedroom and flops onto her bed. “Phase one complete, initiate phase two.” She says to herself. “But when?” She sighs.  After a few hours of hanging out in her room, she’s called downstairs for dinner. “Hi mom, hi dad.” 

“Hey, Sandy. How was your day?” her mom, Sonia asks. 

“It was ok, I guess.” 

“You guess?” Maxx, her dad asks. 

“Yeah.” 

“Is something the matter?” Sonia asks. 

“I uh, have something to tell you guys.” 

“What?” Maxx asks with an eyebrow raised. 

“I dropped out of school.” 

“You’re joking!” Sonia says. 

“No, I just can’t do it anymore. I work overnight and then have to go to school, and its hard to concentrate, and anyways, I’m doing terrible, its better if I just quit now.” 

“But you’re so close!” 

“No, I’m not close. It’s been three years and I have to do another year, and I just can’t do it anymore.” 

“Well, I hope you have a plan.” 

“For now, I’m going to keep working until I figure something out.” 

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” 

“Me too.” 

“It’s the end of the semester and you did your finals, so how did you drop out?” Maxx asks. 

“I just told them I won’t be back in January.” 

“Oh, how’d they take it?” 

“They didn’t want me to leave and the advisor told me I should stay and get my degree, but I told them I couldn’t do it anymore because doing both is stressing me out.” 

“So why don’t you quit your job?” 

“Because I like working.” 

“That’ll wear off, trust me.” 

December 25, 2008 

Dear Diary: It’s been a week, and already it feels good to just work. I know I won’t officially know until next month what kind of difference it’ll make with everybody but me at work, school, whatever. This also means I won’t have to get only two hours of sleep in between work and school, and then four between school and work. It sucks that I had to work last night, and I have to go back tonight, I’m actually getting ready for my catnap before work. Well, at least I had a good Christmas with my family, even if it was short. Hopefully, the time will go fast, since we’re going back into normal days and I’ll have at least some people today. 

“C’mon, get up, you’ll be late for work.” Sonia says as she turns on the light, waking Sandra. 

“Is it still snowing?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Damn corporations and their atheistic take on holidays.” 

“Yeah, it sucks, but you chose it over school. Now get up.” Sandra gets up, gets dressed, and cleans the store for five hours before she gets one of her regulars. A short woman with metal prosthetic legs hobbles into the store and moves to the coffee. 

“Gerta, good morning; what’s up?” 

“F*****g nothing. Coffee. Newspaper. Pie. It’s the same f*****g thing every day.” 

“Well, you don’t need to be such a b***h.” 

“Sorry, out of pills and in major pain.” 

“Oh, sorry.” 

“Nah, it’s fine- where’s the damn newspaper?” 

“Not here yet, you’re early.” 

“Ah, f**k.” She pays for her coffee and pie and hobbles back outside and sits in her motorized wheelchair, then lights a cigarette. Sandra follows her out and lights one, too. 

“So, uh, didja reup?” 

“Can you afford it this time?” 

“I can, uh, give you half…” 

“Fine, but this is the last time.” 

“Ok, cool.” 

“Come by after work, I should be in my room, just knock on the side, you know what to do.” 

“Thanks, Gerta, you’re the best.” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

January 17, 2009 

Dear Diary: Well, today was the first day of school. I didn’t go, obviously, but it was weird to not have gone back to school after vacation being over, since I kept going to school after high school was over. Hopefully what I’m able to contribute to the house is enough so mom and dad won’t kick me out, I wouldn’t be able to afford living on my own, at least not yet. Right now, I don’t think that I can, but I can try saving some money. The problem is that its always gone too quickly; I could try just keeping it, but I don’t know, I have  the next few days off, so I’m gonna be chilling with Francine and Larry so I’m just gonna use that time to just, you know, think when I’m not gonna be wasted. Huh, I wrote a lot of ‘gonna’s; eh, I don’t give a s**t, I’m tired and high as f**k. Goodnight. 

Sandra gets up, packs and heads to Francine’s house. When she gets there, there’s music playing and a bunch of people over. “Hey hey, what’s going on?” 

“Paarty!” Francine says, drunkenly. 

“What’s the occasion?” 

“Eh, no reason.” 

“Oh, that’s cool.” 

“Yeah, here, have a beer.” 

“Ah, thanks.” She downs half the bottle in one swig. 

“Hey, we’re about to smoke a bowl, you want in?” 

“F**k the f**k yeah, let’s do this s**t!” They all smoke a pipe and Sandra has multiple beers as the night progresses. 

“You want a pill?” 

“What kind?” 

“Morphine.” 

“How much?” 

“Five bucks.” 

“Do I just take it, or-or…?” 

“Well, you could smoke it, snort it, or just take it.” 

“I- I don’t know, I- smoke it?” 

“Yeah, here, I’ll smoke it with ya.” So, they put the pill on a piece of tinfoil, light it underneath and suck the smoke up through a straw. 

“I’m-I’m not sure it worked.” 

“Eh, I-“ 

“Bowl!” they hear Lawrence yell. 

“Bowl!” Francine says. 

“Sure.” Sandra says as she chugs another beer. The next thing she remembers is waking up on the couch sometime in the afternoon. Francine and Lawrence stumble out of their room. 

“Damn, you guys have any idea what time it is?” Francine asks as she checks her phone. 

“What?” Sandra asks. 

“It’s a quarter to four.” 

“Holy s**t, when did we pass out last night?” 

“I don’t remember.” She turns to Lawrence. “Luckily we didn’t oversleep.” 

“Oversleep for what?” 

“Movie starts in half an hour.” 

“Oh, cool. What are we gonna see?” 

“Soul Shredders. I heard it’s f*****g amazing and trippy as hell. Lawrence, pack a bowl.” Lawrence goes into the room and comes back out again. They smoke, and go to the movies. Afterward, they go to a diner. “If I buy a pitcher of beer, will you guys help me with it?” 

“Sure thing, babe.” Lawrence says. 

“Sure, I’ll have some.” They go through two pitchers before heading back to the house. Francine turns on some music and a black light. 

“Pack the ninja stick.” 

“Ninja stick?” They pass this long tube with a pipe on one end, and Sandra hacks violently after one hit. 

“Haha, she can’t handle it.” 

“Sure I- aack can, I just ha-“ she coughs some more. “Have to get used to it.” 

January 21, 2009 

Holy s**t, I had the most fun in these past two days than I have in a while. I got there and there was a party going on. I smoked a morphine pill, which I’m not sure I got any effect off of. I probably would have snorted it, but I already promised myself I wouldn’t snort anything, so I probably should have just taken it, but because I was drunk, and because I have to take pills every day for my whole life, I just wanted to switch it up. I also had a few beers and bowls and I was pretty trashed by the end of the night. The three of us woke up at like, four in the afternoon the next day. We smoked a bowl, and then went to the movies. Then, after the movie we went to the diner and got a pitcher of beer to split between us. After we got back to the house, they put on some pretty trippy music, turned off all the lights except for a black light, which mad the neon paint on the walls really stand out and smoked another bowl, this time out of a ninja stick. It’s basically a tube with a bowl on one end and it hits like a bong. Unfortunately for me, I got the munchies and ate almost their entire supply of snacks, which they bitched at me for. I don’t care; I still had a great time. Yesterday we just smoked and played video games, not as exciting as the other two days, but still fun. Well, gotta work tonight, so I guess I better wrap this up and get some sleep in. 

“It’s ten o’clock.” Sandra hears Maxx say as the light flashes on and off. She gets up, gets ready, and goes to work. When she gets there, she sees Vince, a short guy that she works with, crying on the counter. 

“Vince, are you alright?” 

“No, I’m not alright. Ted left.” 

“What, you mean he quit?” 

“That’s only a small bit of it.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, apparently he went off to live with some chick that is like, fifty miles away cause they’re dating now.” 

“I thought he was gay.” 

“So did I.” 

“I’m sorry, Vince.” 

“It’s- it’s alright, I guess I’ll have to try to find someone else.” 

“That’s the spirit- have you talked to him?” 

“Yeah. He told me he got her pregnant which is why he’s moving in with her.” 

“Did you bring up anything about your guys’ relationship?” 

“He told me he wasn’t all the way gay, just a bisexual who preferred women and that he was sorry. B*****d.” 

“At least he apologized.” 

“Yeah, I guess, it’s just that when he told me he loved me, I thought he meant it, and that I wasn’t just a relationship until a girl shows up.” 

“I’m sorry, that really sucks.” 

“Yeah, whatever; I’m going home now, see ya later Sandy.” 

“See ya Vince.” A customer walks into the store. “Tom, how are you, don’t you ever sleep?” 

“I sleep when it’s required, yo.” Tom, an average size black guy says to Sandra. 

“How’s the cause?” 

“Not as good as I had hoped.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I really haven’t gotten any willing participants.” 

“Oh, sorry to hear that.” 

“Eh, it’s a’ight.” A few hours later, Gerta shows up. 

“Morning sunshine.” 

“Go to f*****g hell.” Gerta says. 

“Ouch, that was kind of harsh.” 

“Sorry, just not in the f*****g mood today.” 

“Are you ever in the mood?” 

“No, I guess not.” 

“Well then that’s pretty unfair to me, now isn’t it?” 

“I think it’s completely fair, I’m the one who’s living by a thread, I have every right to be so f*****g miserable.” 

“Can’t you ever be positive?” 

“How’s this for positive: I wish I was dead so I wouldn’t feel any more pain.” 

“I-I-uh…” 

“That’s what I thought; now ring up my f*****g coffee.” 

“Newspaper?” 

“Thanks for reminding me.” 

“Sure. Three twenty nine.” Gerta pays for her stuff and sits outside. “Wow, I hope I don’t get that fucked up when I’m older.” She says to herself. The next day, Sandra has off of work, and decides to get a hold of Jack. They decide to meet up at a coffee shop. 

“Babe, what’s up? Haven’t heard from you in like, a week.” Jack says. 

“You know, work and other s**t.” 

“Other s**t?” 

“Yeah, hanging out with friends, that sort of thing.” 

“Why are you avoiding my question?” 

“I’m not, I just told you, hanging out with friends.” 

“You’re f*****g Michael, aren’t you?” 

“F**k no.” 

“Yeah, right; I see how you guys look at each other.” 

“What the f**k? He’s just my best friend.” 

“Yeah, sure. I’M supposed to be your best friend, and the only man in your life. The only other best friend you’re allowed to have is female.” 

“What the f**k? You don’t dictate who I choose to be friends with, besides, there’s nothing wrong with guys and girls being best friends without being in any other type of relationship, and anyway, Michael is married.” 

“That’s not how it goes. I have my guy friends and we do typical guy things, and you have your girlfriends and you guys do girly things like go to the mall, paint your toes, and give each other manicures.” 

“You have a really skewed view of the world, a*****e. And for your information I was with Francine the past few days.” 

“Oh, phew. Had me scared there for a little. See? How much did you spend at the mall? Get a new handbag? Your nails still look like s**t though…” 

“We didn’t go to the f*****g mall, instead I went to a party and got shitfaced. We went to the movies and got drunk at a restaurant. Nobody’s nails got done, no malls were visited, and no handbags were bought. Shove that up your a*s, dick.” 

“So you’re a loose, easy skank.” 

“What?” 

“How many guys did you f**k at the party?” 

“None, I just had myself a good time getting wasted.” 

“I don’t believe you.” 

“I don’t give a f**k if you don’t believe me, I know the f*****g truth.” 

“I’m going to the next party you’re going to.” 

“What?” 

“That’s right, I need to monitor you to make sure you don’t hit on any guys.” 

“But I just told you-“ 

“I need to see it for myself. Anywhere in the party you go, I go. Where I go, you go.” 

“That’s unfuckingnecessary!” 

“Yeah, well, it’s the only way I can make sure you stay mine.” 

“You’re a chauvinistic piece of s**t, I’m not a car, or a television or whatever. I’m your girlfriend: another human being who has mutually, by choice, agreed to be in a relationship with just you and no one else. Not a piece of property.” 

“And you choose to go out and get wasted where anyone can take advantage of you without me there to monitor you and make sure that doesn’t happen.” 

“I’m a grown woman, Jack; I know how to make my own decisions.” 

“So, in your wasted state, somebody could do something and you wouldn’t know or remember.” 

“Trust me! I know what happened, I remember everything from that party.” 

“Yeah, but being the alcoholic that you are, you probably only remember everything up to where you lost morality and self respect.” 

“How many times have I told you? I’m not a f*****g alcoholic!” 

“You sure like to drink a lot.” 

“I only drink during special occasions, and to me, a party is a special occasion whether there is a purpose to it or not.” 

“Who has a party for no reason?” 

“Some people do, a*****e.” 

“I still think you’re lying.” 

“What about you? You’ve cheated on me twice.” 

“Yeah, so?” 

“So? What the f**k? You’re not so perfect yourself.” 

“Yeah, but I always said I’m sorry.” 

“Now I’m starting to doubt whether I still believe those apologies.” 

“Of course I meant it.” 

“Then why did you do it twice?” 

“Because you made me mad the second time.” 

“Know what, talking to you is a waste of time, lemme know when you get your head out of your a*s and on straight, ok?” She gets up to leave. 

“Babe, I’m sorry.” 

“Just words.” She says as she leaves the shop and heads home. 

January 23, 2009 

Dear Diary:  

F**k Jack. I don’t see why every time we get together, he has to bring up some invisible issue and fight over it. He can’t seem to understand that I have my own life outside of him, that my day doesn’t revolve around him 24/7. I don’t know if he’s just insecure, or that much of an a*****e that he thinks he can control me; I wish he’d stop it. Maybe I should just break up with him. Yeah, I know I’ve said that a thousand times, but he’s just insufferable anymore. Of course then that goes back to my problem of being alone, so I don’t know. I really don’t. Maybe I should just stick it out until someone better comes along and I can finally tell him to go to hell for good. I was hoping that I had maybe found someone in Ted, but it turns out he wasn’t interested in me. Or Vince for that matter. Poor Vince. And it figures I was right about him the whole time, and I didn’t say anything. Of course out of the two, the one that I liked is the one that left. I guess I should be thankful I have a five day stretch at work coming up, it’ll give me a valid excuse as to why I don’t contact Jack. Wow, listen to me, having to come up with a valid excuse so as not to get in trouble with my boyfriend. That’s no way for anyone to live, I know I don’t wanna live that way. I’m trapped, and even though I have the key to escape, I’d rather throw it out than use it. Kind of makes me wish I never broke up with Carl. He was a great guy, and didn’t treat me like Jack does, but we had basically nothing in common. I’m rambling now, so I should probably go to bed. Goodnight. 

“…So, yeah, that’s why I took today off. I’d rather spend a couple of days winding down with you guys and forget about him. Now, pass me that blunt.” Sandra says. 

“What does being at work have to do with him?” Francine says. 

“Because he’ll just pester me at work.” 

“So why don’t you just leave your phone at home?” 

“Doesn’t matter, he’ll just call me on the store phone, he’s relentless.” 

“He does it every day?” 

“No, just times like this when he thinks I’m cheating on him.” 

“And why did he think you were cheating on him?” 

“Because I came to the party.” 

“Aren’t you just making it worse then, by being here?” 

“Probably, but at least he can’t reach me here; he doesn’t really know who you are or where you live.” 

“Yeah, that’s true, but aren’t you going to ‘feel his wrath’ when you go home and talk to him again?” 

“What’s he going to do, break up with me?” 

“Maybe he will.” 

“I doubt it, he needs me as much as I need him, though for different reasons.” 

“How does he need you, especially if he’s f*****g other b*****s?” 

“I think he needs me because to him, I’m a sure thing, he has a relationship where he can do anything with only a short term consequence.” 

“So, basically, you’re being controlled.” 

“Don’t make it sound like that, I don’t like the idea that I’m somebody’s puppet.” 

“But you are. No matter what he does, he knows he still has you. He knows your weakness and is exploiting it for his own gain because he knows he can.” 

“That sounds really s****y.” 

“Sorry, but it’s true.” 

“I know.” She sighs. “Pass that s**t.” 

“What do you guys wanna do today?” 

“This.” 

“Ah, well. Can’t say I didn’t try.” 

“I’m gonna get some more s**t, anyone want anything else?” Lawrence asks. 

“Nah, just a quarter like I asked for.” Sandra says. 

“Acid.” Francine says. 

“Ya know, I’ve always wanted to try acid.” Sandra says. 

“Got ten bucks?” Lawrence asks. 

“Yeah, sure.” Sandra says. She pulls the money out of her pocket and hands it to him. 

“Alright, be back in a little bit.” He leaves. 

“So, where we getting s**t from this time?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Because as far as I know, all your dudes just handle weed.” 

“Um, well, um…Zakk.” 

“What??? I told you I don’t like the cut of that guy’s jib. He creeps me out.” 

“You wanted weed, right?” 

“Yeah…” 

“Well, everyone was out except for him… I kept him in my back pocket in case something like this happened.” 

“I thought it was weird that you guys would bring up acid in an order.” 

“Hey, you’re getting what you wanted, stop complaining. And anyway, you’re getting acid too, so you’re not so perfect yourself.” 

“Alright, shut up.” A few minutes later, Lawrence returns. 

“Got everyone’s medicine right here!” He says. He gives Sandra her acid and weed, and the three of them take the acid at the same time. 

“I don’t get it, what’s the big deal?” 

“You don’t feel any different?” 

“Nope.” 

“Well, depending on the person and how much they eat depends on the effect.” 

“Well then I guess I’m gonna need- whoa, do you guys see this?” She asks as she waves her hand in front of her face. 

January 30, 2009 

So, I tried acid for the first time this past weekend, and it was amazing. At first I didn’t see what the big deal was, and then they kicked in. First, I waved my hand in front of my face and saw a trail. Then, I got up to go to the kitchen, but I felt like I was wading in water, having to separate it with my hands. I finally got to the kitchen and opened the fridge, and when I did, it felt like winter air, complete with a flurry of snowflakes landing on me. I picked up the can of soda and it looked and felt like a red ice cube. I made my way back through the water and sat back down, and it felt like what I always imagined a cloud would feel like. Then the dog started barking, but it sounded really deep and slow motion like. I must have passed out or something, because the next thing I remember was my head getting numb, and then black. I woke up to Francine slapping me in the face, asking if I was alright. Come to think of it, with the nausea and headache I had after I woke up, it was probably a seizure. Apparently, I threw my full can of soda at Lawrence’s head during my fit, but luckily he understood. I guess that’s the last time I’m going to take acid. Too bad, too, because it was a lot of fun. When I checked my phone when I got home and turned it on, it was full of messages and missed calls. Damn, that son of a b***h can’t seem to leave me alone; I wish he’d just disappear and leave me alone, at least for a little bit…