Part V: Angel Year -4

Part V: Angel 

Year -4 

Month 1 

October 20, 2004 

Dear Diary: 

     Ok, so I did something tonight I didn’t think I’d ever do. I went on a blind date with a guy named Carl. He is the brother of a girlfriend of a friend of mine. Weird, I know but this guy is straight up Christian, like, 100% Jesus freak… and I like him. I figure it’s perfect, he’s a Christian, I’m a Christian so this should go well. He’s really nice too, like really, really, really nice. He’s really shy and quiet, even more than me. Anyway, I went to a restaurant with my friend and his girlfriend and Carl and it was awkward but I think we got along ok. He invited me to go to church with him on Sunday and I said yes. I figure this will be good for my spirituality. Maybe he’s the one I’ve been looking for. I know, I’m getting way ahead of myself, but I don’t see how this can go wrong. He seems nice enough, and he’s Christian so I know he’s a good guy. Maybe my goal of being married by eighteen will come true after all. I can’t believe I have a boyfriend again. Hopefully this one will be a keeper. I’ll make sure to keep you updated on this new venture. Who knows what it’ll bring? Good night. 

     That Sunday, Sandra and Carl, a heavyset guy with thick glasses and short brown hair are eating at a pizza place in silence. “So… do you go to my school, or a different school or something? I’ve never seen you before.” Sandra asks. 

     “No, I’m homeschooled.” 

     “How does that work?” 

     “Cyberschool.” 

     “Oh, ok.” 

     “Yeah.” 

     “So you do this every Sunday?” 

     “Yup. Except it’s usually with the rest of my family but they had their own stuff to do today.” 

     “Oh…” 

     “Ready to go home?” 

     “Yeah, I guess.” They finish their lunch and Carl drops Sandra off at home. 

     “So how was church?” Sonia asks. 

     “It was fine.” 

October 27, 2004 

Dear Diary: 

     So, today I went to church with Carl and it was kind of nice. The sermon was good, I was invited to do stuff, and I was welcomed instantly. I have a feeling like maybe this would be the relationship I’ve been looking forward to. He hasn’t tried a thing with me yet, which is weird cause guys his age are always horny. Maybe it’s the Christian upbringing he’s had that’s given him this self control. We didn’t talk much again today, maybe he still needs to get used to me. After all, as I understand it, I’m his first girlfriend. That’s kind of cute, he’s a year older than me and I’m his first girlfriend. He comes off so innocent, too. Can someone as naïve and innocent as him really exist, or is this another façade? Well, I believe everyone deserves a chance, sometimes even seconds if I like them enough. I like Carl, and I can’t wait until he opens up enough to let me know all about him. I thought we’d get conversation going when it was just him and me after church, but he was still pretty quiet. Anything I ask him if we relate to, he says no to. He doesn’t listen to the same music, read the same books, or enjoy much of the same stuff I do. So far the only thing we have in common is our religion. Eh, it’s only been a week so far, hopefully we’ll get somewhere on some level. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining, I have a good guy finally and I should try to hold on to him as long as I could. Who knows? Maybe my time has come. 

Month 10 

August 14, 2005 

Dear Diary: 

     So, this week I’m going to the annual ChristianFest that’s happening. Carl has been there every year, I’ve never been. Apparently it’s a festival where a bunch of preachers and Christian bands play the whole week. In order to get in for free, we signed up to work. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us, we gotta go to another state. I’m excited to go. Even though we’re going with his family, we’ll still have some time to be alone. Maybe I can get more than a kiss. I’m afraid to ask, because I don’t know how he’ll react. I don’t quite know what I want to happen, but it’s been ten months, and we still barely talk or do any couples’ things except for the kiss we have each time we separate. I don’t know, better than the jerks I’m used to, so why complain? 

August 15, 2005 

Dear Diary: 

     So, the first day of the festival was ok I guess. I did whatever random job was assigned to me and I went back to our campsite. I barely saw Carl today except for dinner. His parents made chili, but it was really gross. It had no flavor to it and it was more like ground beef soup in water. Sleeping arrangements were weird too, but I guess understandable. His parents slept in between us, I guess to prevent anything happening between us. I guess I kind of expected it, but I still find it ridiculous, we’re both grown adults. Oh well, guess we’re not gonna be as alone as I thought. 

August 17, 2005 

Dear Diary: 

     Ok, so this isn’t quite as fun as I thought it might be. I haven’t paid attention to anyone on stage, the food is terrible, and me and Carl can’t get long enough time together to have a private conversation. Well, this sucks. I mean, I guess it’s a nice time and all, and I’m grateful they took me with them, but I’m not having as much fun as I thought I would. Oh well, it’s kinda like a free vacation, so whatever. You know, it’s been ten months this Saturday, I can’t believe it. Even though it’s been ten months, we’re still pretty much at the same point we were in the beginning. I don’t know nearly enough about him as I should at this point, unless he’s told me everything about himself, after all, his family doesn’t seem very interesting to begin with. Most of our car rides are silent, cause we have almost nothing to talk about. I don’t know, at least he’s a good guy and hasn’t tried anything funny with me. Maybe I should just chalk it up as a win, after all, how many actual good guys are out there? I don’t know, I’m kind of hoping for this week to be over. I’ve had enough. 

August 21, 2005 

Dear Diary: 

     Thank God that week is over. Don’t get me wrong, I like God and God is good and all, but this week was really boring. I just spent a week outside in the heat with no relief and I didn’t even really have fun. Well, I don’t know, I guess I did. I just wish we could’ve had time alone together, even just to sit in a field and look at the moon or something, especially yesterday. I don’t know, it just seems like a bit of a letdown. Well, it’s getting dark, I gotta get ready for our four hour drive, yuck. 

Month 12 

October 20, 2005 

Dear Diary: 

     Did this really just happen? Carl proposed to me!!! This can’t be real, I never thought, I’m speechless right now. Today is our one year anniversary going out, and he popped the question after dinner today. I said yes, of course. This is exciting, I’m gonna get married! It’s been a year and just like that, I’m engaged! I really like Carl a lot, I might even love him. I’m actually looking forward to marrying him, because he already treats me so well, so I know I won’t have to worry about him stepping out of line. What’s weird though, is we haven’t had a fight this whole time. Not that I’ve instigated, and neither has he, but we don’t conflict with anything hard enough to fight about. I don’t know if I should be worried or happy about that. I guess I should be happy cause I don’t like fighting, but at the same time, conflict can be healthy. I don’t know, I’m just excited to be engaged, I told my parents, and they were happy for me. I still can’t believe it, I have a fiancée. The engagement ring isn’t the prettiest or most expensive, but I don’t care, my dream is coming true, I’m gonna get married! I never thought in a million years I’d marry someone like Carl, but life’s funny that way I guess. Carl’s nice, I’m sure he’ll make a great husband and father, he’s a good big brother to his adoptive brother so judging by how good he is with him, I’m pretty sure I won’t have anything to worry about. My dream is so close I can taste it. I’m gonna be marrying a teacher, and I think that’s what I’m going to do too. I know I haven’t talked about what I’m going to do after graduation, but I’ve been thinking about teaching even before me and Carl met, it was just a silly coincidence. My life is finally starting to come together, it’s super exciting. I wonder what day it will be? 

Month 13 

November 25, 2005 

Dear Diary: 

     This was the most embarrassing Thanksgiving ever. Ok, so we got here at his aunt and uncle’s on Wednesday night, and it was a pretty good day yesterday. I saved my appetite for dinner, I ate a lot, and it was kind of tasteless, and then… I got sick. All over the place, it was disgusting. It figured their carpet is white, so of course it was obvious, and I couldn’t even control it. Now I feel like total s**t. I’m sweating, I’m nauseous, and I still throw up now and then. I don’t know what the f**k happened, I showed up here, and suddenly I’m sick after I eat dinner. It’s so embarrassing, what a first impression. Ugh, I can’t even sleep in peace, cause my dreams are f*****g with my body. Like earlier, I had a dream that my pillow was a giant chicken tender that I had my face against, and I kept moving my head from side to side trying not to eat it, and it made me feel sick. I felt as bad as I do in real life as I did in my dream. His family was so understanding, but I still feel really bad that they had to clean up my mess. I guess I’m getting myself into a good family, not many people would be so calm about that. I’m going back to sleep now, I still feel like s**t. 

Month 15 

January 20, 2006 

Dear Diary: 

     It’s over. We’re not getting married, I ended it. I called him earlier to let him know. I could hear him crying on the other side, and I immediately regretted it, but I don’t. I feel so bad, but it’s for the best, in my opinion. I know, I’ve spent the whole time saying how happy I was with him, and I was, but it felt fake. I’ve never cursed in front of him, he doesn’t know I’ve been smoking weed since my seventeenth birthday, he doesn’t know I’ve fallen asleep in the church bathroom from not getting enough sleep the night before so I’d pretend I was going to the bathroom only to take a few minutes to nap. I never told him I thought his family’s cooking was bad. I could’ve had everything though, his family is well off, he’s a good person, and genuine. Makes me feel like I was the bad guy in this relationship, which is why I ended it, he didn’t deserve it. I didn’t give him the true me, instead I gave him what he wanted, and even though it may have been better for me to stay, I couldn’t do it, I felt like I was hurting him. I also feel like because of his upbringing, if he found out how I really am, he nor his family would like me anymore, think I’m Satanic, or try to make me like them. It basically comes down to the fact that we’re more different than we are alike, and I’m not going to pretend to be this sweet, innocent, young girl when I’m not. He doesn’t deserve to be lied to, and I’m not going to keep doing it, he deserves better than that. He deserves someone better than me, someone who doesn’t have to fake their way through the relationship. God, I’m such a piece of f*****g s**t for doing this to him, but I have to, for both of us. I didn’t tell him any of this, and I probably should have, but I just told him it was over. 

  

     I know this will never be read, but I have to let it out. I’m incredibly sorry for hurting you the way I did, I feel bad for it, I really do. I should have given you an explanation, but I never did. I just called you and ruined your day. I know we were engaged, and that should have meant something, and it did but it felt wrong to me. I never told you why, and I’ve been meaning to apologize and I never did. I’m really, really sorry. You were a good person and I let you down, I made you think I was a goody too shoes. Even though I am a good person, I wasn’t good enough for you or to you. Sure, I never hurt you directly, but I felt like I was anyway by not being my true self. This is a weight I’ve been carrying with me since that day, and although I don’t think about you as much, I still wonder what could have been if I had stayed. Would we have gotten married like we were planning? What would I be doing at this point in my life? How differently would have life gone for me if we were still together? We’ll never know, and it’s all my fault. I’m really sorry about how I ended it, and you deserved better than that and there’s no way I can ever make it up to you. I was thinking maybe we could get together one day and talk about this so you don’t think I’m a total a*****e for the rest of your life, but that will probably never happen because you probably would be better off if you never saw me ever again. There’s a good chance that you’ll never read this, but if you ever do, please accept this as my official apology. You did mean a lot to me, but I was holding back out of fear you wouldn’t like the real me since some of it contradicted how you were raised to feel, so rather than expose you to my true self, I decided to end it to protect you. Come to think of it, this probably means that I caused a trust issue for future relationships. If so, I’m sorry for that too. I probably should have been honest with you, but I was scared. I’m sorry for leading you on and raising your expectations so high that it hurt that much more. For awhile, I did believe it to be real, and I wanted it to be real, but it just wasn’t meant to be.