Forgiveness (Chapter 3)

Adding on to the story

I changed sides every 2 minutes in bed. I couldn’t sleep for one peaceful moment. Every time I tried shutting my eyes, Mrs. Sheikh’s words popped into my mind as if they were drilled into it.  “Until I don’t receive payment, you won’t set your foot in the school, forget this class!”

I wanted to cry.

Why me Allah? I asked.

This isn’t fair. I thought. It isn’t.

I thought about Mother. I lashed out at her today and said some things I shouldn’t have.

But she also should have told me about not having enough school fees! I was her son! I want to help her just like she helped Seera and I when we were little. I didn’t care if I have to even go to the market every five minutes to buy something she needs or even be her slave, because this would be nothing compared to what she’d done 3 years ago. Nothing at all…  

I get up from bed after lying restlessly and dead like my dreams, as they never get fulfilled and never come back after I wake up from them. The first thing I did do was dash out of my room and embrace mother to bits.

“Oh mother! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know what I was thinking when I just bursted right at you! Especially when you were worried about me, so much! I-I--”

She flashed me a strong-willed smile.

“I… I… just want you two to be happy. As I didn’t experience that core-emotion that much and want you and Seera to experience all of it! Be happy Saleem… please be happy… I understand that it’s hard to use that emotion , as Mrs.Sheikh dismissed you from school just today, but why not think about something else-” she stopped to take a breath to continue, her lip trembling as if she were to let out a sob. I finished it for her.

“Something bright and creative. Something that will make our lives worth living in this world.”

Her eyes glistened with emotion. Seera came jogging towards us, her eyes glowing, as if she’d been the luckiest girl in the world. I think she was. Mother gave Seera and I such a tight hug, that we had to return it within seconds.

“Allah, please have mercy on…  us…”  was how she ended the conversation.

Mother sounded miserable after she said that last word. What happened?

The next few days, I let mother rest. Well, who did the chores? Me, of course! I cleaned the house, cooked the food, fed Seera and refilled the stock of water and grains of rice at the market, with the money mother gave me. What did Seera do? Well, could she do? She watched me do all of this with enjoyment as if she was watching a movie.

“Sallu, do work!” she ordered me as I gave the kitchen a sweep.

“I am, I am Seera! Why aren’t you helping out? You lazy baby!” I said, with a hint of laughter.  She chuckled and was about to go when I said.

“Wait! How about this? Try massaging mother’s feet.”

She looked puzzled, but then went to mother.

I went back to sweeping the kitchen. The kitchen was always kept clean by mother. She never stopped doing her duties, she would always be positive and hope for the best. I want to become like mother when I grow up, a fearless, caring and positive person. I wonder who would Seera be like when she grows up? Negative like father? Or, positive like mother? Why did I even ask myself that? Mother for sure!

In the evening, I decided to bring something special for all of us, with the rupees remaining. I quietly left the house, tip-toeing. I set out into the serene and calm atmosphere of the beautiful evening with the vast and empty sky reaching for infinity. The sky’s hue darkened as the sun slowly settled in a magnificent flourish of ribbon-like fire. I could see the glittering and luminous stars starting to form into the red-orange sky. Everytime, light gleamed on my delicate skin, my heart skipped a beat. All I wanted was for time to stop right here, so I could enjoy this moment forever, and ever. I continued to walk, enjoying the view at the same time. I stopped at a stall and bought a jalebi and samosa.  I quickly paced back home as it got chilly.

As I placed the samosa and jalebi in the kitchen, mother came running towards me.

“Where were you Saleem?”

“Look what I got mother!”

I showed her what I brought. Instead of being happy, she slapped me.  

“You spent valuable money… on this junk?”

My heart tore apart.  Junk?

“But… I thought it would make you and Seera happy?”

“Did it make me happy? No! Return this and bring back the money!”

She started to sweat and shake. Her eyes glistening in sorrow, while her lips were trembling and her nose drawn up and wrinkled. The way she looked at me. It wasn’t anger. More like regret and desolation. She looked at me helplessly and scurried back to her room.  What was happening to her? This wasn’t the mother I knew. Something was wrong and I needed to figure that out at any cost. I went to Seera and gave her the samosa and jalebi. That’s when I heard whispers coming from the room.

“Please forgive me… I’ve done you wrong and deserve punishment.”

My heart pounded with fear and worry. Who was mother asking forgiveness from?

Most of all…  what did she do?

Author's Note

How's the dialogue?
Do you like the story so far?

Reviews

[Zoya]

This is a touching story. In a way, It also gives out positive vibes. I thought that this story would just be about how you managed to help your mother, but the last lines bring some twist with them, I guess. I have enjoyed reading your story so far. Keep writing!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Zoe!

[Zoya]

You're welcome!

[heartspeaks]

at this point it intrigues me to read further... nice words... the boy's consistent efforts are amazing. Good work. i would rate this chapter 8/10

[matrixmark]

The first dialogue - take out the word 'don't'.

Change this sentence....I didn’t care if I have to even go to the market every five minutes to buy something she needs or even be her slave, because this would be nothing compared to what she’d done 3 years ago. Nothing at all…

To this... I didn't care if I had to go to the market every 5 minutes to buy something she needed. It wouldn't bother me if I had to become her slave, it paled in comparison to what she'd done for me over the past 3 years.

When Seera came jogging along, by putting in the glow in her eyes showed the reader just how happy she was. I always go on about little things add so much to a story and then you followed it with Great, great emotion being shown when the three of them hugged, that part was very heartwarming and was well written.

Regarding this sentence....What did Seera do? Well, could she do? - Add in the word 'what' after well.

Regarding this sentence... I quietly left the house, tip-toeing.
Change it to this..............I quietly tip toed out of the house.

I loved the way in which you described the sky - that was really vivid and the way in which you played the words was spot on. - EXCELLENT SENTENCE. And so to was the follow on sentence from this - Nailed it.
And then you make the readers heart sink - the mother slapping saleem. I really felt for him because I got so involved in the character of him.

You've left it at a stage wher the reader needs the questions answered - that's a good thing because it will bring the reader back.
I can't put my finger on why I like this story but I know want more.

The above suggestions are just that and in now way are they being disrespectful towards your writing. They are only there as a guide to help you correct a couple of things.

Keep writing this story.

Mark.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Mark for the detailed feedback and review!! It will really help me a lot! I will be sure to make the changes to improve on my writing. I also got interested in Saleem myself too, as the writer and don't know why. Thank you for taking time to read my story!
Shaan

[matrixmark]

It really was my pleasure to have read it. Please do wrote more on this piece. Remember, the more you write the better you become.

Mark.

[Mr.Writer]

Yep, I will :) Also, I totally agree on the statement! Even though I don't write every day, I try to write at least a couple of times a day to improve on writing. I've been planning on writing a new story, but will plan first. I've written another story where I lost track in between because I didn't plan on what would happen and stopped writing it. :( :D
Shaan

[matrixmark]

Writing a story isn't an easy task, and yes you must plan it or it will fail. Just take your time and if you fin yourself getting stressed then pull away from it for a bit of time and come back to it with fresh eyes.

Mark

[Mr.Writer]

Yeah, exactly! I'm also excited for tomorrow.

[matrixmark]

Sleep well.

Mark.

[Mr.Writer]

Thanks, you too!
Shaan