Raped by a friend..A Night of betrayal, a lifetime of Pain

True story.. Writing through the pain. Thank you for taking the time.. sR

 Flash backs began again in March of 2010 for some reason after so many years of silence.  There are still a lot of puzzle pieces I cannot entirely fit together.. a lot of dots that still do not connect.   Sometimes my memories of that night come to the forefront of my mind and they are hard to face.   I know from experience that the only way for me is to face them and to just let them out.  This is something that keeps me down and I really need to let go of this week before the depression gets any worse.  The sound of my own silence is sometimes deafening and the heart feels hollow.

I originally wrote and posted parts of this back on MySpace back in 2010 when the flashbacks and darkness began.  It was very difficult for me to write about it then and still it is not easy for me because memories and tears always fill my eyes along with my pages even now after all these years.     I had seldom spoken of this but I hoped telling this story would help me release some of these feelings that lay heavy on my mind and heart and it did for awhile but it always comes back to haunt me..   I also posted hoping maybe it might help others to understand how these date rape drugs work so if it ever happens to them they can recognize it sooner than I did.  Sometimes I feel I just need to write it down because it feels like it kind of gets it out of my head for awhile, but just for awhile.

This happened in 1971 but the memories and the realization and magnitude of what happened did not begin to reveal itself to me until almost a year later.  They came in dark fragments, in bits and pieces.  That's the way the "Spanish Fly" or now the "date rape drug" often works......

blank memories

that night devour my consciousness
it was the little something slipped into my drink
I blamed myself for the emptiness

my lack of recollection defied reasoning
four hours deleted from my memory card

when only darkness filled my head

one by one they began to surface

 flashbacks of that night

coming in the night

flashes of unbearable disturbance
 when I could feel him there once again
350 pounds of him on my 95 pound frame

........sometimes
I still hear the sound of his voice

smell the over powering stench

his cologne mixed with sweat

maybe mixed with the scent of sex

I hear the muffled laughter

.......I still cringe
he was not alone in his hunger
the two of them, brothers
taking from me what was not theirs to take

robbing me of my dignity

my self-worth suffering still to this day

I feel the burn of the scarlet letter

they branded my self image forever

I can almost see his face even now

my so called friend
I shutter at memories
and I wish they were still blank

sometimes I crave the nothingness

wishing again my mind to just go

blank...

 

bj smith

aka shallimarRose

He watched me as I cared for my own recently born baby girl. 

I could feel him staring at my engorged breasts but I could not fathom what was going through his sick mind.   He stopped by my house after work to tell me my friend (his wife) had finally given birth to their new son by C-section and was in the hospital.  He asked me  if I would come help him clean and disinfect the house getting it ready for the return of his wife and their new baby coming home from the hospital in just a few days. They were friends of ours and so I readily said yes. How could I even imagine what he had planned.

 

I took my newborn baby with me as I was still breast feeding her.  I entered their home and put the infant seat with my four month old daughter on the kitchen table and went about scrubbing down the nursery.  I barely finished the baby's room and began the bathroom.  I went back downstairs to check on my daughter who had been sleeping.  It was a sweltering day In day nearing the end of September.   He came over and asked if I wanted something cold to drink. I had been working hard and was thirsty so I said yes.  I expected water or maybe a coke but he brought me a  bottle of right time which was kind of a flavored beer.   Just one drink that I never even finished.  Soon after the first few sips I began feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach. The room was spinning and my legs felt like collapsing.

He told me to go lay on the couch because I was so disoriented.   I staggered to the sofa. I distinctly remember keeping my feet flat on the floor. Mom use to always tell us girls "keep your feet flat on the floor and you will be alright".   I sat in the corner of the sofa and laid my head on the corner armrest cushion. That was the last thing I remembered.

About four hours later I was awoken by yelling when my then estranged husband showed up screaming at me. I felt so ill and I could tell I had vomited.  He was furious at me for having the baby there so late. He didn't even suspect a thing, how could he? Even I did not know or suspect at that point what had happened. I was too sick and four hours of my life were just gone.. missing.

I did not remember what transpired that night and I wish it had remained that way. Not eating and being on tranquilizers due to the messy divorce I was going through I thought maybe the mix of the tranqs and the one drink? Well maybe that was why I was drawing a blank.  Where did those four hours go?  Why was the cleaning never finished? What happened there that night? I could feel the uncomfortable feeling the next morning. Had sex occurred? He called me on the phone and told me that I had gotten so drunk and it was consensual sex.  It made no sense.. I didnt even finish one drink how could I be that intoxicated?  He told me I told him I wanted him.. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stand the fat slob but somehow he managed to put doubts in my head because of my medications... He was married to my friend and so I never said a word. I didn't want to hurt her and I still was trying to sort things out. Figure out what happened.  Days and weeks and months past but still I could not fill in the blank pages of that evening.  None of the puzzle pieces fit. About eight months to a year later they began... little flashes of light, of memories, flashbacks.

The flashbacks came...I began to remember bits and pieces.

I remembered him asking me what I would do if he came over to me on the sofa and kissed me. Asking me if I had ever been with a large man before(large I think meaning heavy, overweight).  I could hear his questions but I could never hear my answers and so I blamed myself. I actually felt guilty because his wife was a friend of mine but the question remained in my head. Why would he have even asked me such questions when I was so sick unless he knew something I didn't?  Over the next year or so the flashes of memories continued to grow becoming more and more real and larger than life. I began to remember certain things, things that really bothered me

One day I came across an article on the "Spanish Fly". I was young and naive and did not know what they were. Suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly I knew exactly what had happened that night and why just a few sips of a drink could render me so helpless. I couldn't remember everything, still pieces of that night are missing but I remembered enough to know it was certainly not consensual.  I remembered him being there so heavy on my small framed body and at this same time his brother came in the door. Instead of saying something to stop it he bent down leaned over the sofas side and began sticking his tongue down my throat. I uncontrollably kissed him back. I had never met his brother before and would never had done that but my memory of kissing him back was so strong, one of them on top the other kissing me at the same time. Every memory that night was so out of character for me. I had only ever been with one man (my husband). I heard voices, they were chuckling and muffled. I could not make out their words. I wanted to stop them but I felt powerless and there was an overwhelming willingness from the drug. I had no control over my own body and mind, no choice but to give in to whatever they wanted. I can remember my arms feeling heavy and I couldn't lift them. My head was spinning, I wanted to yell out but no words came. I had no power whatsoever to stop myself from giving in. I was rendered completely helpless and it was an awful thing to recall, the two of them there having there fill.. not remembering fully what they did to me, what they may have forced me to do..  

 

The worst part of that night for me though? not knowing where my baby girl was during these four hours.. She was only four months old. Was she safe, crying, wet, hungry? I guess I will never have the answers I need and so I sometimes drop into PTSD depression. The memories? Sometimes they fade away for awhile and I can almost forget it ever happened but other times like the past few months I cannot get the blinding flashes out of my head....and it feels like they are brand new memories, it feels like it happens over and over again. 

No, I never reported it because by the time I was certain what happened it would have been too late, I had no proof. Also in those days it was often the victim that was blamed.  I know they would have said I should not have been at his house alone. Mom would have said that too..  Then there was the shame and humiliation I would have faced and what about my friend?  How do you tell someone a year after the fact that their husband drugged and raped you?  This overwhelming pain and shame that I still bare..   Up until 2011 I never told anyone about the rape in my family, not even mom and I never penned a word of it . Suddenly in 2010 the words wouldn't stop flowing from my bleeding heart and soul and they continue to bleed ink.

 

 

 

When I began writing about all this in 2010 it was in hopes that  maybe releasing the pain after all these years through my writing might be a way to try and rid them from my mind again.. finally give me some peace.  It does work for a little while but then they start again, the flashbacks I mean.  They come back every now and again and I find myself trying so hard to fill in the blanks spaces that I still have and it makes me physically ill.

 

Last year in a bout of depression and uncontrollably crying I confessed everything to my mother.. I never got professional help.

My writing is therapeutic whether I post it or not however it will be well worth writing and posting if this helps even just one teen or women to recognize these things if this ever happens to her. Or helps one person suffering to call someone to talk to.

I ran into his wife years later at a baby shower and found out they were divorced and he was serving a long prison sentence for attempted murder. Perhaps I was one of the fortunate ones as awful as that sounds. I told my friend everything and she seemed not at all surprised......we made peace with each other that night but I have never spoken to her again.  Oddly enough I found myself looking at the prison release dates and his 25 years was up in 2011.  

 

 

If you or someone you know have been a victim of rape sexual abuse or want more information about date rape drugs and their effects on women go to woman's health.gov (link below) or... 

 

Search for a local rape crisis center/sexual assault help ...

 

or call the sexual assault crisis center hotline [phone]-HOPE (free)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                women's health hotline [phone]

6:00 am to 6:00 pm Monday through Friday

 

 

Related writing see also :    In the form of a Pill..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more shallimarRose Poetry titles visit my table of contents in my blog...

 

Bits of Me...Table of Contents by title...

 

 

 

Author's Note

I was second guessing this one here.. whether I should I leave it up, will it help me cope? Will it even it make any sense to you if you read? I sent rr out on this one in a moment of weakness. but now I am glad I did. the feedback here is uplifting and helping me in ways I could not see coming.

If you read this in it's entirety Thank you
Feel free to RR this to your friends if you want to..

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Your story is sad and true for many woman. Most cases are not reported. Which is sad. In the old world was worst. Thank you for sharing the story and you need to ensure your story reaches out to all woman. Woman must scream out when they are raped. Thank you for writing the story.
Coyote

[shallimarRose]

I think you and I are close in age. Yes in those days if we told the victim was blamed most of the time.. The was she dressed or the circumstance, perhaps the way she looked at him was the cause.. AS IF that gave the perpetrator a license to do the despicable. Thank you Coyote for reading and having the courage to comment here as well. Posting this was a difficult decision. Rose

[Trace]

Rape is a horrible thing that no woman should ever have to be subjected to, but I have a firm belief that nobody can take from you what you do not willingly give. A monster may force himself on your body, but your soul is yours and yours only to share. What happens to you without your consent is not your fault and can be difficult to deal with, but you have to separate your physical body from your soul and let your heart strengthen your mind to enrich your soul. This is such a powerful read, and should be read and shared with many women who don't realize how easily they can become a victim. Thank you for sharing this. Trace

[shallimarRose]

Trace Thank you for taking a few minutes out of your day to come here and read this. Your words here " you have to separate your physical body from your soul and let your heart strengthen your mind to enrich your soul." truly touched me. I am trying to do that.. Rose

[Leanne Estelle]

Wow, this was so utterly heart-wrenching to read but I am glad I read it. You are so inspirational and I wish more people had the courage to speak up like you. Sadly because these things are not spoken about so many people don't have any information. I am so glad you found an outlet for your pain (even if it only helps for a while). Thank you for being so courageous by sharing your story.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Leanne for stopping to read this and for your encouraging words.

[Leeci]

You have been through a lot and after reading what you went through, it bought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing, I know this would have been really difficult to put out there but by sharing this traumatic expreience some young girl who is a victim out there may get the courage to speak out and get the justice they deserve.

[shallimarRose]

That is my hopes Leeci.. Thank you for pausing here to read.. Rose

[FlatLineBeauty]

I am glad that you posted this Rose. I know that it will help many women and young girls even. There are so many that think it is their fault. Some occur the same way and some different. It's a horrible thing, and very hard to cope with. I still have trouble coping. I don't think its something we can ever get over, but we may be able to help others. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience, and if you ever need to talk feel free to message me.

[shallimarRose]

You said you still have trouble coping which tells me you also have been touched by this in some form.. The same goes for you ... If you ever want to talk you can pri message me.. On myspace many younger girls messaged me with their stories.. Thank you for reading and sweet comment. Rose

[Jonas Hughes]

I want this story to be published so I'm offering a few changes in hopes it may help. This is a tragedy, and someone of your strength should be a beacon of hope for those who still holding on to their horrible secret. You need a platform for other women young and old to read this story. So many times have I heard women share their traumatic experience only to be blamed, scorned, and even accused of instigating the incident. That just blows my mind! Such a secret rolling around inside had to cause incredible pain, and eat at you for all these years. The fact that you broke your silence is a testament to your growth, and strength. You have been wrestling with a demon, and you just kicked its a*s!
Remember, these are just suggestions, I'm only trying to help get your story and you to a place where you can get help, and where you can help others.
You begin with telling the reader about your flashbacks, perhaps just open with a description of the room. Tell us how it smelled, the colors, the emotion that you felt whenever these memories. One of my favorite teachers always preached, show, not tell. Meaning, don't warn the reader by saying "how could I imagine what was going to happen" If you just continue with the story, they will be unprepared for the emotional uppercut they will feel when you reveal what happened.

You know what, I'm sorry, I just assumed that you would want to take this beyond this forum. This was hard enough I imagine, but the first thing I thought was other women should read this. Healing is a process, and it is up to you how to handle it. There is such strength coming through your words, which is why I assumed you would want to help other women. It's a typical male thing, to see something and want to fix it, but this is something more. Which is why I stopped to ask you if you wanted it to go farther? You are an example of survival and courage. I only wanted to help. I will still do so, but only if you want.

[shallimarRose]

Jonas Of course I would want to help other women. I would most certainly consider having this published in some kind of a journal or book where other victims could read and find courage. The problem is I have little real recollection of for instance the room.. It was his parents house. I had never been there before.. I remember stairs because i was cleaning upstairs and had to come down to check on my daughter.. I remember the sofa was maybe velour and I think dark green in color.. I can see him taking the rite time from the refrigerator.. there was a bar or counter to the right I think.. its all so foggy in my head.. little by little sometimes if I write enough or talk about it I remember more fragments. Just a couple of months ago I was telling a friend about all this and after I recalled that when I woke up his parents were there.. I had not remembered that before.. They were all standing in the kitchen around the open counter or island and laughing and talking and drinking.. I was unconscious for hours . Could the muffled voices and laughter be theirs? Or were these men actually laughing at me and scoffing my inability to react in a normal way? Its questions like these that tear my heart out .. His parents? I have no idea if they walked in on them raping me and did nothing to stop it, maybe even participated, or were maybe just oblivious and told it was consensual and I was sick.. But still both men were married so I cant see a parent just allowing this to happen. I know I need help because I have so much of the puzzle still missing and in my heart I need to know. did they make me perform acts I would not have done as a young wife and mother? Did the second man actually rape me too or was it just kissing and touching on his part.. I need to know all these things to find peace..

The other thing is I would never mention my family and my mothers part in my pain.. She is 88 and I don't know how much time we have left with her. To hurt her now is just not going to happen. There is much more to my story. Daddy died in 1967. I have always thought perhaps when mom is gone I will write a book of my life. again I think you and we can talk more if you private message me. shallimarRose

[shallimarRose]

Jonas where I begin telling about the flashbacks was only an explantion meant for my WC readers.. My story actually starts below the poem.. So that is where I guess I would perhaps try to recall my moments in the house.. The table where I placed my daughter in the seat ect. Oh see another speck of something.. I remember the house was rustic wood paneling..

[wordwarrior]

Don't doubt yourself that you sent this out on a RR Rose. This is a sad, haunting and tragic story that so many women go through. As long as you feel you can have it stay here, the more people who will read and give you their total understanding and non judgement(as I am here)
These are parts of life that can be hidden too often. If you story makes juts one other person aware then this is well worth while.
And that part about telling people, especially your mother is heartbreaking. One would expect a mother to cry tears of blood for such that their children have gone through.
This kind of behaviour from another human being is shocking and unfathomable.
Thank you for sharing and hope sharing helps(even for a short time) I also commend your strength to share this!

[shallimarRose]

Thank you WW.. I think with mom to acknowledge that this happened to me would be to have to face that perhaps she was not as good of a mom as she thought she was. In moms defense I should have told her long before she was in her eighties and battling Alzheimer's.. :( I never had the courage and I guess that makes me a coward maybe. In my heart I believed it was my fault even before she told me it was.. Im trying to hold it together and to move forward but I keep having these road blocks thrown in front of me. Thanks again for your precious friendship and words of encouragement here.. xo Rose

[wordwarrior]

You're most welcome Rose and of course I am sure you have been told many times that this is NEVER your fault. It also has nothing to do with your mom, whether she was a good one or not! It's acknowledging that you have been violated and whoever does such a cowardly act is the one solely to blame.

[shallimarRose]

There is so much more I can tell you.. Hurtful things that she says.. but I think now its the Alzheimer's talking and not her.. thanks again.. xo Rose

[wordwarrior]

You are most likely right Rose xoxox

[Kenneth Compton]

The pain and misery some can inflict on another is beyond comprehension at times. Those of us that are not evil, or perhaps simply not maladjusted, can never fathom this kind of behavior. It saddens me that any woman would be put through this kind of pain. You are a strong, powerful, resilient woman for having the "testicular fortitude" to write and post this. I commend your bravery madam!

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Kenneth.. It seems the more that seem to understand the more I feel I understand myself.. Im trying my best to hold together right now.. shallimarRose

[Mark]

Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us. I hope you find peace and can understand that none of what happened is your fault. He was supposed to be a friend. We all assume we can trust our friends not to harm us. If things get bad, I sincerely hope you seek professional help with this. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my thoughts.

[shallimarRose]

I was trying to get help in april/May but then mom fell again (5th fall) this time breaking her him. I am her full time care giver.. I am here 24/7 and at night cant even sleep because she needs me every two hours.. Every time I take a step forward I slip two back.. Thanks again Mark.. xo

[Mark]

Have you checked into caregiver relief programs? There are people who will stay with your Mom and give you a break...

[shallimarRose]

we have a lady that comes 2 hours a day 4 days a week.. I sleep during those hours. thank you Mark..

[Mark]

You are welcome my friend. I wish I could do more for you. I hope you find your center.

[shallimarRose]

I will pri message you ok... hugs

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I believe that posting this is a sign of courage, resilience and the will to fight back against an evil memory by defiantly showing that you can and will overcome this. You are able to vent through your writing- and even share with others! The mere act of writing is too much for some. It very much makes sense- PTSD is not fun even in mild form (which I've had) because it compels you to relive painful memories. Leave this up. You are strong and awesome.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Cher. Your coming to read this means a lot to me. I am trying. The comments coming in right now are uplifting me a bit. The burden lies deep .. thanks again. shallimarRose

[Natersby]

Thank you for sharing your experience here. I think it will definitely help someone who reads it, indeed many people, whether they have had such an experience themselves or not. Apart from helping recognise the drugs effects, I think it is a powerful reminder to both women and men of the need for caution. It may have felt a moment of weakness when you posted it, however I think you're actually very brave for sharing this. I'm also very sorry to hear about your mother's reaction, and you should certainly not feel bad about telling her. You should never believe it was your fault.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Natersby for taking time to read and upbuild here. Rose