A little more carrot (Allot less stick)

A little more carrot (Allot less stick)

A Poem by ShaneBerry
"

one of the original three F/A/B/A/P/F poems i started on a while back. re edited and remixed and this is the final copy. introduces Doctor Diamond, Sepia Dreamer, and Throttle Fire. enjoy!

"

I have something for you,

Its a little more than a crush

And I don’t know what to do.

Smile through the nervous anguish.

So much more than a crush so lets call it a vanquish!

 

I don’t want to waste my time,

Sitting here just thinking of a rhyme

Or reason to why it feels so wrong.

I hope the doc finds the answer by the end of this song.

 

Doctor diamond what's the prognosis here?

Am I mentally ill?

Or is my heart in full gear?

How could it be after  its been stolen?

I'd rather it be missing than beating broken!

 

Oh yeah this pressure, on my chest,

Is more painful than,

Here comes the rest.

You have a question my dear,

Well come sit over here,

And speak anything into my ear!

 

And these aren't sad words,

No there's a smile on my face,

Sepia Dreamer can I fly little bird?

With harsh but real words you can put me in my place.

 

Looking at a picture and my heart skips a beat.

Looking so gorgeous must be an incredible feat.

But it’s a "look and don’t touch" situation it seems,

My amber alert heart is bursting at the seams!!

 

Oh! You say I'm choppy?

B***h Bot swallow those words,

Cause your teeth are sloppy!

You said you knew it, its true.

Better it be she than you!

 

Oh yeah this pressure, on my chest,

Is more painful than,

Here comes the rest.

You have a question my dear,

Well come sit over here,

And speak anything into my ear!

 

I'm not hiding but I wont say a thing.

Throttle Fire 'round my wrist ties a string,

Sensitive feelings and sentimental stings.

 

Its getting kind of cold in here,

The wind that blows seems oh, so shear.

I've got one more match before we all die,

Or we could run into the sun and we would all fry!

 

I don’t want to rest!

(pressure on my chest!)

Will you lay right here?

(you have a question my dear?)

Amber alert heart disappears.

(so bring on the rain, baby bring on the tears!)

 

Oh yeah this pressure, on my chest,

Is more painful than,

Here comes the rest.

You have a question my dear,

Well come sit over here,

And speak anything into my ear!

 

Speak up! speak out!

Don’t forget to forget doubt!

I'm here!

You are all there!

So tell me how is any of this fair?

 

© 2012 ShaneBerry


Author's Note

ShaneBerry
i hope you are all enjoying F/A/B/A/P/F, it is really something that i hope sticks with people and perhaps people relate or find meaning in the words i write. in this poem we are introduced to Doctor Diamond, Sepia Dreamer,Bitch Bot and Throttle Fire. each are prominent figures in the F/A/B/A/P/F series. for questions on who the names actually represent in my real life, and what this is all leading up to, please feel free to ask! :)

My Review

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Featured Review

Okay... here goes...
Overall, what I got from these as a theme was the social game in life and how different sides are sticking up for different values.
Read on a poetic level... I'd say it reads a bit choppy, even though the rhyme is ok.
Read on a lyrical level, or perhaps rap, id need to hear the verbal cadence that goes with the words to give an honest opinion. A suggestion..if any of ya have a drum machine, would be to record the cadence and beat to the song and post it with the lyrics.

Overall word usage is good, the vocabulary is within the common range of young adults to middle aged adults... target range of lets say 16 to 25.
One questionable line..."Throttle Fire 'round my writs ties a string," WRITS???? Mayhaps a typo?

To sum up, I think it's well thought out, but would certainly appeal to a particular type of person who's going through a similar social scene.

If I take the exclamation marks as a way to tell the reader that a line is louder or more stressed than others, then I'd go as far as saying it has a similar growl to it as let's say EMINEM might use.

Not bad!

Aaron


Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Nice, sweet

Posted 8 Years Ago


A well thought out piece love...would like to hear this vocalised, would be awesome! So much here to invigorate the senses and dwell over...as always sweet, powerful xoxo



Posted 8 Years Ago


You are slowly becoming disiplined, good for you.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Okay... here goes...
Overall, what I got from these as a theme was the social game in life and how different sides are sticking up for different values.
Read on a poetic level... I'd say it reads a bit choppy, even though the rhyme is ok.
Read on a lyrical level, or perhaps rap, id need to hear the verbal cadence that goes with the words to give an honest opinion. A suggestion..if any of ya have a drum machine, would be to record the cadence and beat to the song and post it with the lyrics.

Overall word usage is good, the vocabulary is within the common range of young adults to middle aged adults... target range of lets say 16 to 25.
One questionable line..."Throttle Fire 'round my writs ties a string," WRITS???? Mayhaps a typo?

To sum up, I think it's well thought out, but would certainly appeal to a particular type of person who's going through a similar social scene.

If I take the exclamation marks as a way to tell the reader that a line is louder or more stressed than others, then I'd go as far as saying it has a similar growl to it as let's say EMINEM might use.

Not bad!

Aaron


Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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490 Views
4 Reviews
Rating
Added on April 2, 2012
Last Updated on April 4, 2012
Tags: Friends, And, Bands, Peace, Forever, F/A/B/A/P/F, Fabulous, Killjoy, Nichole, Victoria, Doctor Diamond, Holly, Throttle Fire, Rachael, Crash After, Julia, Juicy After, Sepia Dreamer

Author

ShaneBerry
ShaneBerry

denton, TX



About
My Chemical Romance “The Ghost of You” Name: Shane Douglas Berry Age: Born on 8/4/1992 Hair color: Brown Eye color: Green Skin color: White, Freckled Tattoos: Oroborus (red, center.. more..

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A Poem by ShaneBerry