Yesterday, Today and Tonight

Everyday, I wake up to a new life. My friends and my family - I knew them yesterday. I did that one thing yesterday. I ate those meals yesterday. And yesterday, it rained. Well, it was sunny. But these dark clouds rolled over the highway and dropped bombs on my windshield. Bombs that exploded on impact. Erupting and streaming in the same manour as the wind. But the way the water runs. The way it runs up instead of down. When I was a child, rain fell from the sky and then ran on the ground. But now, now it runs up the glass in front of me. The way the windshield wipers obstruct the marathon and slides the water away from the finish line. But that was yesterday. The water is gone today. Not me though. I’m still here. 

Yesterday the world was green. It was green. And there was no other colour that I saw except for green. But today there is life. Well, more life than there was yesterday. Full of pigments and hues. The world is different today than it was yesterday. But not me. I’m the same. Well, I’m the same right now as I was this time yesterday. But today is different than yesterday.

It’s okay if you don’t understand what I’m talking about. I’m sure most people wouldn’t. The more I reveal about my life, the less you’ll understand. Or maybe you’ll understand more. What do I know. That last statement was a rhetorical question, so forgive me for putting a period instead of a question mark.

I don’t quite understand it myself. I see him. I see her. I remember them both. I remember his and her image. I remember some of the things they used to do. I know that I like them. I might love them. Probably not. I wish that I would. I don’t know if they remember me, though. What am I to them? I don’t remember. Or rather, I do, but I don’t believe what I do remember. I can’t tell if my brain is recalling a dream or reality. He smiles and she waves and I know. It’s real. But it’s not important. I mean, they’re not important. Well. No. They are. I’m sorry. They are important. Sometimes I forget.

I hate driving. In fact, I tend to not pay attention while I’m driving. I fall away from reality, and when I come back, I don’t remember how I got to where I am. I think that should scare me, but it doesn’t. I’m okay with it. I think I might like driving more if I took in the world around me. If I actually used that time to look for something new. I might like it more.

I get to work and there he is smiling, reminding me that we’re friends. He did the same thing yesterday. That other guy looks at me the same way he did when I walked in yesterday, as well. Not a bad look, just a look. We’re friends too. For some reason, he doesn’t have to do anything to remind me. Maybe it’s because we’re not that close yet. Or maybe that look is enough acknowledgement that I’m present. I sit down in my usual place and do what I did yesterday. I type on my computer. I draw on my paper. I do something for him. I do something for him. Forgive me for being vague, but I see no reason to be specific right now. 

There’s a stinkbug in the light above me. Between the textured glass and the fluorescent bulbs. It buzzed the same way the light does when it’s turned on. It slides around on the glass like a crew boat on the water. Rowing its legs and flopping around in a circle. I wonder how it got in there. It pushes itself up and forward and then crashes on the glass ocean with a pat. It stops moving every once in a while. I wonder how long until it dies.

You know how when you’re working and you forget that you’re human? I know that sounds weird, but hear me out. I’m the type of person, and I know many others who are the same way, who get so immersed in his or her works, that they forget to go eat. Perhaps that isn’t quite the same as forgetting that you’re a human. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I need to go get some food.

I really don’t like driving. I try to avoid it as much as possible.

How is it that this planet is where it is? Or. I mean. Society. Buildings, cars, streets and parks. And stop signs. Who made those? Where did the word “stop” come from? Stop. Resistance. When a man assaults a woman, she resists. Screams, “stop!” The same way, we drive and we stop. Why is the sign red? I see red when I’m angry. Or when a lover gives another a rose. Or when I used to cut my body at night. So why is that sign red? I don’t understand how red associates with stop. Red doesn’t make me want to stop. I don’t want to stop. Not for the sign. 

I like listening to music. It’s pretty. Most of the time it is. I like it because it is emotions. It feels good. When you close your eyes you can feel it. Have you ever tried feeling music instead of listening to it? Cause, you know, music is a series of vibrations. I doubt I’m the only person who does that, but I’m sure there are few others who do. It makes me feel things that I don’t understand. I guess that’s why I like it. It’s different every time. And I can’t ask someone what the feeling is. Cause I don’t understand it. I’m rambling.

You know when someone tells you something, but you hear something completely different? I won’t go into detail about what was really said, just know that what I heard wasn’t true. I heard “you don’t belong here.” Again, that’s not true. But my mind keeps telling me that. I don’t believe it. But it’s hard to ignore. I’m going to go home now.

I see a lot of things that I don’t like. There’s a guy in the backseat of another car with his shirt off, sitting next to a girl. And another vehicle with a rosary hanging from the rearview mirror. I never did get that. Rosaries look cool, but why hang them from your car mirror? That doesn’t make you holy. Not to mention, it’s illegal to hang something from your rearview mirror. Is it the world that’s wrong, or is it me? I seem to be the common denominator, but maybe it’s just coincidence. 

I like to stick my arm out the window when it’s warm. I move my hand up and down and let the wind push my arm. It looks kind of like a dolphin jumping through waves. I always felt like I was more than myself when I did that. When I was a child, I was a super powered wonder. What I was doing, no one else could do. What I was doing, it was something special.

When I was little, this world was a place that I really loved. The sky was always clear. The grass would blow in the wind. The dandelions were everywhere. When they were in the white, fluffy stage, we would always blow them and make wishes. Which is why, I’m sure, they were everywhere. I guess I don’t see them anymore because I don’t make wishes. I don’t make wishes anymore... That’s sad.

The End (Ending 1): Before

Snow falls from the trees. Or petals. White petals. They don’t melt when they touch the ground. But it feels the same. I hope you know what I’m saying. That feeling when you’re standing under snow. This moment is unique, but I’m certain others have been here before. Standing beneath a streetlight. The snow rabbit trailing down. They touch softly. On my hands. My face. My cheek. A cool brush. It feels nice. I like this. I like how this moment feels. 

I don’t feel that much. And I wonder how often other people feel. And I wonder if life is supposed to be like this. And I wonder. And I wish I could be somewhere else. Alone. Or with others. Or another. The wind singing through my hair. Time stands still for as long as I need it too. And the sun sets with the most beautiful colours. And I can take pictures of every moment. And the world would taste so sweet that I may shed a tear. Or more. I guess what makes me the most sad is knowing that there’s this whole great life out there that I could have, but I don’t know how to get to it. 

All day today I was breathing. Even now. And I just now recognized that I was doing so. So I guess that today I was alive. And I guess that I still am. I like looking in the mirror. You can’t lie to a mirror. Or rather, mirrors don’t lie. It can’t show you something that isn’t there. I like looking in mirrors because I can see myself. And if a mirror can’t lie, then that means that I really am here. I really am.

The End (Ending 2): The Gathering

I’m going to take the long way. The sun is setting just right. Peeking through the trees. Pouring gold over the clouds. Windows down. Radio singing. The wind is perfect. It tastes good. It smells the same. It feels like life. It’s times like this that I love to drive. This world that I’m in. It’s so beautiful.

Let me tell you about the Gathering. It’s this place. Right now, it’s underground. Actually no. It’s not a place, it’s a people. Until this point, you probably weren’t aware of my religion. See, I’m in love with Jesus. The Gathering is this group of people that come together on Friday nights who love the Lord. Right now, we’re singing. It’s cramped, but we’re singing. Even more than that, we’re worshipping. It probably doesn’t make any sense that I’m writing about this. You’re probably thinking “this writing here is completely different than before.” Because it is. I said earlier that the more I write, the less you would understand me. But if you don’t understand this, it’s because you don’t know Him.

Everyday, I wake up to a new life. My God, my saviour. I knew Him yesterday. I worshipped Him yesterday. I got down on my knees for Him yesterday. I loved Him yesterday. Everyday, I wake up to a new life. And even though I seem to forget where I stand with Him, He never does. If this is how every day ends, knowing that He loves me, then I don’t mind that everyday is the same. I guess I don’t mind that I forget either. Everyday, I get to remember that He loves me. Everyday, I wake up to a new life. Everyday, for the rest of my life, He will remind me that I belong to Him.

Reviews

[Veritatis Cupitor]

Interesting...

Initially I really enjoyed reading this piece because of how its written. its realness. You aren't attempting to try and make sense, to be coherent. (If I actually wrote the way I thought and spoke, it'd be like this, very scattered, seemingly random and incoherent...) I truly do like that it's written in this way.

And then the Ending...
Ending 2 really caught me off guard. Did not expect this sort of shift in tone. What seemed like a negative sort of write turned out to be pretty optimistic. Its a nice surprise. I seem to forget where I stand with God quite a bit as well. And of late I've distanced myself alot with not just Him, but with this world, with this life, with the people that comprise it, and with myself. Reading this is reminding me of what I want. Wanting closeness, if not with no one else, then atleast surely with Him. Thanks for reminding me of this.

[Kate Hunter]

Well done. I like it when a writer just goes by the stream of thought they're having, it always seems more true and less... uptight and formal.

[Mackenzie Brooke]

This was really great!

[Siena - Silent Awakenin..]

Wow, you write so fluently, like everything you want to communicate to the reader just dances around the page so effortlessly, and we'll still understand it. You're also very, very discriptive which I love... dont ever change that. I'm sometimes criticised for it and it sucks... i love telling the reader, everything! aha or maybe i just cant help myself. idk. Um is this about you and your life, or have you created a persona? Ethier way I like your style. And how do you change your tone so quickly? i envy you... you can still manage to effectly effect us... as readers. Thanks for the upload man.

[Princess Derion]

you're an excellent writer :)

[Kaylor Mason]

This is really good. I'm glad you know Jesus, and you understand your relationship with him; that's what most important. I like how you walked through your thoughts, day by day. Incidentally, I didn't know it was illegal to hang stuff from your rearview mirror.

[Lynn]

This writing really speaks to me. I think you did a great job on it.

[Becky Clancy]

Thumbs up from me ^_^b

[jennifer little]

good job

[Wretched Knight]

Are you rambling things? I see where you wrote that. You're writing whatever you are seeing & feeling at that time. But I really enjoyed reading this. Good luck, Shanemusic!