and because of this

a free verse thing about being overwhelmed with existence written in the third person because i want to detach myself from this

she's fragile. 

she's only ever comforted by gentle words and soft voices

that tell her everything's going to be all right. 

she dreams of going to war with her own thoughts and winning the battle, 

but wakes up to a battle lost

still feeling the residual pain of what wasn't real. 

she dreams of escapism and self-deceit,

where she lives by the sea 

where the tide takes all morbid intrusions and typical responsibilities

and drowns them

one by one.

she avoids conflict and startles easily

and because of this,

she feels unfit for existence itself.

she wants to believe that everything can live forever

she wants to believe that not every hello has to end with a goodbye

she wants to believe that she has the strength

to win a fight in only a few years

despite being infamous for lasting a lifetime.

she's scared of growing older,

and scared of learning lessons she believes she already has the answers to.

she knows there are certain emotions she hasn't felt just yet

and she's wary of their consequences

and because of this,

she doesn't want to make herself vulnerable

despite this, she does anyway, without even meaning to

because it's all she knows how to do.

she's a living contradiction and the embodiment of being tired

tired of making choices, tired tired tired.

she says it aloud without thinking these days.

and when the sun goes down,

feelings she thought had drowned are returned by the tide

and for just a moment she wonders what it feels like to die.