Life/Us

Life, a never ending stream, we are but pebbles,

Dragged inside, long ride,

Some resist, carving new ways,

Others, compliant, treading the forged path,

End, all pebbles grinded, slowly but surely, losing,

What made them,

Gone, disappeared, even as the stream flows.

 

Life, a fire burning, tall flames licking the sky,

We are but embers,

Some glowing brightly at their zenith,

Others, but a nominal amber,

End, all ashen, as their fire dies, losing,

What made them,

Gone, disappeared, even as the fire burns.

 

Life, an eternal canvas, full of colors,

We are but the myriad colors,

Some to the fore, the beacons,

Others, but the backdrop,

End, all colors, fading, losing,

What made them,

Gone, disappeared, even as the canvas lives on.

Life, earth, myriad creatures,

We are the people,

Some paving a path of leadership,

Others, but the insignificant many,

End, all creation, beaten, bruised, losing,

What made us,

Gone, disappeared, even as the earth moves on.

Reviews

[Mia]

Here's what I love about the way you write, you take small things, seemly simple things. You know life is just that...life and you make it interesting and wonderful to read!
"Life, a fire burning, tall flames licking the sky,
We are but embers,
Some glowing brightly at their zenith,
Others, but a nominal amber,
End, all ashen, as their fire dies, losing,
What made them,
Gone, disappeared, even as the fire burns."
Incredible stuff! I can tell I am going to fully enjoy reading your work!

[Sid]

Thank you again!!Glad you like it!!

[Tex]

Sid you have outdone yourself on this one man, it is timeless, beautifully written. I love the flow of thought, the flow of the meter, the repeating theme in each stanza is like waves lapping at the shore. just remarkable.

I have a question on these two sentences:

Life, an eternal canvas, full of colors,
We are but the myriad colors,

because they both end on "colors" I think it just gives the reader the smallest hesitation. you might think of changing that second line to something like
"We are mixed of paints from the pallet,"
or something in that vein. Hey you are way better at this than me... do as you wish. or nothing at all.

it is a masterpiece.

I loved it.

[Tex]

I just read the other comments, (I try not to read others comments until after I have read and had my say)... I agree your second stanza it the stand out. it just took my breath away. and the last was just a wonderful closing.

I do feel the commas are needed. I really like to get the rhythm of a piece as the writer intended it. I love the ebb and flow of this write... without commas i would not have a clue about that.

[Sid]

Thank you Nicholas for this detailed review and yes the commas have been a topic of discussion...glad you liked it!!

[Sami Khalil]

Nice poem. I like the second stanza the most.

[Sid]

That's my favorite metaphor too. Glad you like it!!

[Sami Khalil]

Smiling...

[Sid]

:)

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the desire and the description in the poem.
"Life, an eternal canvas, full of colors,
We are but the myriad colors,
Some to the fore, the beacons,
Others, but the backdrop,"
I believe every life is important. Small and large acts are needed to make the world function. A powerful ending to a excellent poem. I enjoyed your thoughts.
Coyote

[Sid]

Small and large acts combined make the world and as such both kinds are necessary...Thank you for your comments!!Glad you like it!!

[Craba]

strong write that says so much.

[Sid]

Thanks!!

[rnuff]

love the last stanza, truthful.
deep and intriguing write, enjoyed

[Sid]

Thanks...glad you enjoyed it!!

[Becca Bishop]

I love the message of this poem, but the commas really put me off. They're necessary, sure, but too many scares the socks off of me and then my toes get cold and then I get grumpy. It's also, a pain, to read when, every few words, are separated, by a, comma. I don't want you to think I'm rude or anything, but maybe you can try using periods and hyphens (or whatever they're called) to give it some variety and make it look nicer. Beautiful write though!! The second stanza is my absolute favorite! There's something so magical about fire and everyone seems to look at it differently. Keep writing!!!

[Sid]

Yeah, i know about the commas, i tried it without them but it just seemed too bland...I'll try out your suggestions and i really like the idea of comparing the continuity of life with a fire it just felt apt....thanks for the review!!!

[Shreyas Tripathy]

This poem is so well written and gripping !!!
Love the idea behind it and really enjoyed the way you separated multiple synonyms with the commas in a single line. It makes the poem much more filling and natural.
You are an amazing poet, look forward to reading more from you :)