Moonless SkyA Story by SidI
walk the long winding road, called life, hand in hand with the ones I hold
dear. The guiding light emanating from these bonds, illuminates the damp
unknown road leading to an unknown end; the mystique in itself a drug. I walk
down the flowing stream, at peace with the world and with myself for I’m with
the ones I care for. At the end of the stream lies a green pasture and we lie
down and talk long hours, carefree and joyous. The prosperity and serenity in
every ones company a warm blanket that separates me from the harsh world. As I
walk further down this everlasting road, I come across a field of beautiful
blossoms which on closer inspection seem to have thorns of potential lethality
and yet I feel unperturbed for I have the help of my friends. Together we walk
across the field of thorns and feel only the blossoms kiss our feet for the
thorns are gone in company; the thorns only stand in the way of the lonely for
the lonely are doomed to misfortune and I count myself lucky for the friends I
have. As
I walk farther down the road I grow wary of my black shadow, a reflection of
some unknown darkness buried deep inside me. I fear that greater knowledge of
my shadow, of myself, might become a reason for loathing me for the darkness
inside, should it exist; but I believe that darkness exists in everyone and
success depends on how well you keep this darkness hidden behind the joys of a merry
social life. I curse my shadow and try to maintain a distance but nevertheless
it follows, for it is me, hidden in the depths and still very much me. Though
black in itself, it helps me strengthen the veneer of health visible to one and
all around me as it reminds of the darkness that might exist within me. My
friends around me help me in relegating this ominous presence to the depths of
my existence and in return I rely on their presence. As
we walk this winding road I grow accustomed to their presence and feel content
in knowing that they will always stay by my side; without the will to, I start
taking this presence of theirs for granted and in all my ignorance and
arrogance at my ability to make friends I grow ever distant to some while
getting closer to others and before long our path diverges from an old friend
turned outsider and yet we press on down this enlightened road for the one that
left is just one of many. As we continue our merry way I come to realise that
our feelings about the lost friend are anything but unanimous as some grow
discontent of the path we take while some others grow wary of the methods; they
feel that our journey lacks focus and that we are merely walking down this road
without much thought and they feel that our accepted bliss is nothing but
ignorance and there lie other roads leading to other destinations and after
much deliberation and rising distrust a small group of friends take the second
road at the fork that lies ahead of us. Still my group walks merrily down our
chosen path content in the joys provided in our path by the mystical life. The
weariness and distrust as also discontent of our way of life begins to take its
toll and still more friends take their own path, though they do so in a more
humble way for they have been our companions for a long time and are thus a
part of our life. Their loss from our journey leaves a smaller hole in my heart
than the previous group, for in that group were those friends of mine who had
stood with me as equals and who came along with me for the simple reason that
the roads of their lives and mine were aligned. They had one other reason for
being with me: they cared about me as I cared about them and if they left me it
had to be because I must be wrong in choosing this merry path and doubt starts
gnawing at my heart; still I persevere on even as the path becomes more and
more tumultuous and treacherous. As I continue down this treacherous path more
out of pride than sanity, I steadily lose my friends as their eyes open and
they do not wish to jeopardise their lives for the sake of following my
insanity. Before
long, I stand alone staring out at the vast stretches of land with no clear
path visible; I am lost and alone with no inkling of my destination. The land
before me seems like it was forsaken by the Lord many eons ago and wildness has
come to call it its own. I push through the overgrown forest, bruising and
burning amidst the thickets growing around my feet, the loneliness gnawing at
me. I feel apathetic at my situation for I know now the reason for it is none
other than me. I manage to push through the forest, battered and bruised and I
let out a cold, mirthless laugh which echoes back just to haunt me. I am alone
and suddenly the weight of all the pent up emotions come crashing down on me
like a falling building, as the walls I built around my mind to escape the
cruel forest give way. I let out a scream, hoping beyond all realm of
possibility that someone would hear me and come to my aid; that they would
miraculously fill up the emptiness inside me till I feel whole again. But, like
my brain told me and against my hearts failing whisper, none appear before; not
my friends, not the angel nor death to take me away. I am alone. Much
time passes with me at the bottom of despair, but after much consoling and counselling
I drag myself away from the edge of the forest and into what seems like a
desert, scorched and lonely. As I trudge along on the parched earth, an old
fear starts creeping up on me: my shadow seems stronger and blacker than ever
under the unrelenting Sun. Wary, I try to make haste as if by hurrying I could
put some distance between me and that dreadful part of me that follows my every
move. In my tired haste, I stumble amidst the sand and land face down in it; I
lay there instinctively waiting for the hands of my friends to reach down and
pull me back on my feet and I realise again that none of them remain with me.
In my daze I curse everyone and everything and before long everything becomes
hazy. I
wake up in the middle of the night with the moon shining in all its glory; my
shadow the only other presence in the vast wasteland. Fearful I withdraw into
myself trying to block out its presence but soon disguised by the chilly wind I
hear voices, faint and inscrutable. These whispers on the wind keep me company
throughout the night and I lie there awake afraid of what I might hear if I let
the voices speak freely. I bury much of my body into the sand underneath me and
yet the voice and also my shadow stay with me, haunting me, now with visions of
unfathomable misery. “Why
do you hide from me? Why do you push me away? I am but a part of you and you
can learn much by listening to my voice.” After a few days of destitute
wanderings during the day and lonely sleepless nights of haunted mockery, the
voices have become clear as day and in some depraved, disturbed way they seem
like my only solace in this accursed existence. They seem like my only friend,
deformed and evil, but still my only friend even though I still pay no heed to
what they say; I cannot deny their existence anymore. In truth at the end with
nothing more to be alive for, I look forward to their presence every time I
stop moving along this damned path, for the voices seem like my final link to
sanity even though they belong to my shadow. As
the days, maybe months or perhaps even years pass (I have no inkling of the
time in this bizarre existence anymore) pass by my shadow has become my only
companion for better or for worse, it is the only creature that has stayed with
me and though I still refuse to converse with the voices, I find solace in its
presence. I believe it is simply because of the deprivation of friends that I
resort to the company of my once feared entity: the darkness in me, my shadow. *
* * * * It
has been a long day of nothing and at the end of it I feel tired beyond words;
it is starting to get dark and I decide to stop my so called journey for the one-sided
conversations I have grown accustomed to. I drag my feet a few paces more, as
always unaware of my destination but unwilling to stop. Farther down the
wasteland (with no hint of a direction) I stop, fall on the ground as gently as
possible and look down at the ground to find that realm of solace and for the
first time I see complete darkness, a darkness devoid of the one presence I
have come to cherish in my loneliness. My shadow is gone or is it that there is
no light to cast it there? I look up to see the sky and to my horror realise
that it is a moonless sky and without light there can be no shadow. In my
aimless, thoughtless wandering I had failed to realise the complete absence of
light as the darkness had felt no different than the moonlit sky. I feel broken
over the loss of my last link to sanity as if this is the final ominous conclusion
of the lonely path I took a long time back. I frantically search around hoping,
against all sanity, that my shadow is buried somewhere around me; I dig and dig
in earnest till I finally collapse on the ground. The
darkness closes in and I feel suffocated like some invisible wall surrounds me
and boxes me in. It feels cold and hopeless, a chasm I cannot escape from and
frantically, with maddening unrest, I lash out at the darkness. I wish to all
the Gods that I could somehow pierce the darkness and end the solitude it
brings and desperately I swing my arms in all directions hoping to either break
free from this prison or to catch hold of someone that might dwell in the
distance. I try with all my might to get up off the ground and walk but my legs
give way before I can even get any hold on the ground and cursing like a
wretched creature I fall once again, face down onto the cold hard earth; the
cold harsh truth of my reality rushes into me like some unseen force and before
long tears stream down my face. I am helpless and finally broken. I
sit in grim silence and spend the next few moment thinking about my fate and I
feel regret to the point that I wish it would all end; any way possible. I
desperately wish I had chosen a different path and then I wish I had at least
talked to my shadow before it disappeared; maybe I could have understood
something about myself that I still don’t know. I curse the sky, I curse God
and before I realise I start cursing myself for all the foolish choices I made.
I pray to anyone who would listen, I pray “Send me all the way back, I will do
things differently; I would make different choices and I will not end up in
this hell.” I wait for what seems like hours, waiting in agony for an answer
that never comes. Finally at the edge of sanity, I howl at the sky like some
crazed beast, out of its mind, waiting and wishing for the end which still
lingers out of my grasp. In the end I scream, “Let me just go back to my last
friend and I will mend my ways or at least let me talk to my shadow; that is
all I ask,” and I lie down, spent and unable to move. I
see in the distance, a flickering light like one from an earthen lamp. I fight
against my body and mind and follow that fleeting hope of an escape from the
darkness and the solitude. As I draw nearer, the light seems like nothing more
than glowing embers from a fire long gone and I stare at it a long time,
earnest in my hope for a miracle. I look around me, desperate to find my shadow
but the light is not enough for a shadow to exist and yet I don’t give into
despair as finally after all those long hours there is hope for my shadow’s
return. “Why
do you look for me so desperately now when you even refused to listen to me
earlier?” I
turn around and there I see the faint outline of my shadow; the light seems to
be returning and I feel alive like I haven’t in days. “It
took your disappearance to make me realise your importance. I am sorry for
that.” “So
it seems like I am the last link to your sanity but talking to me will reveal
your true nature; are you sure you are up for that?” “I
don’t know for sure and to be truthful I’m just happy that you are back; any
more solitude and I would have been at my limit.” “Are
you ready to really and truthfully talk? Sooner or later you will have to
confront me and I believe you have had enough time to ponder that question.” I
feel lost and nervous: am I ready for a revelation about myself? I have kept my
shadow buried for so long I have no idea on how to deal with it. I still feel
afraid it might reveal something about me that I won’t like or find hard to
deal with. After some deliberation, during which my shadow maintains an aloof
silence, I decide to face it all because I feel tired of running and hiding. “I
am ready; though I have to ask what are you?” “Me?
I am just the physical manifestation of your inner desire that you bury away
deep inside. You put up a facade that feels one with all the others around you
but you have steadily been losing yourself to that veneer.” “Then
tell me what is it that dwells deep within me? What am I on the inside: a
normal person or a monster of some kind?” “A
monster, why do you ask that? Do you feel like a monster inside?” “No,
not really; I just want to be ready for anything that you might reveal.” “You
are no monster, inside or outside; though you are in the wrong world pretending
to belong. Do you truly believe the path you took is the right path?” “The
fact that I ended up here definitely tells me it wasn’t the right path but on a
more serious note, I know very well that I made mistakes throughout. I should
have at the very least listened to my friends’ cries of mending my ways but in
all my arrogance I ignored them. To make mistakes is human, but when given the
chance correcting them is the absolute.” “I’m
talking about your very first path choice; any subsequent ones are but a
consequence of that first choice. Do you believe the very first path you took
in the new phase of your life was the right path?” “Do
you mean my choice of pursuing the path that was considered the right path by
one and all including me?” “Yes,
that very path and why do you refer to it as the right path when any path
chosen with your dreams in mind is the right path for you?” “It
was the logical choice as it made sense to walk along the well beaten road that
leads to prosperity; isn’t that what everyone desires? To be truthful I too
felt it was the right path because it was the proven choice and why should I
take the chance of playing with choices that might jeopardise my future,” I stand
there quite for a moment wondering about the very first choice. Was it really
because I felt it was the right choice or was it only because everyone around
me thought it was the logical choice. “I wasn’t really aware if other choices
and paths existed as all I saw through everyone’s eyes was that sole path and
it felt right because it was the logical choice. It felt right because it made
everyone happy.” “It
felt right because it made everyone happy? Is that your justification for the
path of life that you took? In reality all you did was blindly follow others’
choice without even finding the truth inside your heart. All this time you
wanted a different life and different goals and in your ignorance you stumble
forward blindly on a path that doesn’t belong to you hurting yourself and those
around for whom you chose this path. Reflect upon your actions since you
started walking this new road; have you truly made anyone happy in all this
time? Have you felt any real happiness?” As
I stand there and look back at the years, a burning rock falls not very far
away from me. Startled, I jump, jolted out of my reverie; as I stand there
staring in amazement, more such rocks fall onto the ground like comets from the
sky and yet I can't decide exactly where they are falling from. “What
are they?” I ask my shadow. “The
dreams and desires that you burned in order to be the perfect son, the perfect
friend; in the end becoming none of those. Look back at your life, what have
you accomplished in your chosen field?” I
stare at the falling rocks and I feel those desires inside me; when I look back
at those years on my chosen path all I
see is vast emptiness and I feel regret like never before. What have I
accomplished on this road? As questions flood my mind I talk at length with my
shadow, my true self and I learn much about myself and about my life. Deep
inside me I wanted to travel along a completely different path but because of a
weak resolve I ended up on a path chosen for me by others, a path I’ve hated
inside all this time and now I stand at this wasteland staring down the lonely
road I have spent many important years of my life traversing. I feel lost and
at the same time I feel calm for now I finally know what it is that I truly
desire and I am relieved in that. If I were to escape this inferno and get
another chance I would choose a completely different road to travel in my
vagabond shoes. Finally exhausted I fall to the ground and before long I lose
myself in the world of dreams for the first time in ages. The
following day I wake up only to find the sun up in all its glory, shining
resolute and with a wary optimism I start my walk down the desert, closely
watched by my shadow. Despite the unseen and unknown wasteland sprawled in
front of my eyes I don’t feel the usual frustration and for some reason my
footsteps, though without a destination still, feel light as if buoyed by the
new found insight. In contrast to the many days I have spent here, now I feel a
calming warmth from the sun and a sense of hope from the gentle breeze. “Why
does it feel so different? Not much has changed because in the end I’m still
walking in this wasteland with no destination in mind talking to my shadow
which happens to be my only companion and still I feel...I think I feel alive.
The scorching sun feels like a soothing light warming me inside while the arid
breeze a balancing harmony to the sun,” puzzled, I ask my shadow. “It
seems you are at peace with yourself and even in this great wasteland you feel
hope for you see a true future waiting for you if you could only cross this
phase. Now you don’t have to walk the path you hate but instead have the choice
of following a path that you desire and for that simple reason you can take the
harshness of the world and still move forward with great resolve.” The
next few days pass by without much change in scenery and hopeless as it seems,
I don’t falter for something seems to be driving me, resolute to take me to the
path of my choosing; unfortunately during these days the presence of my shadow
has been weakening and today I sense almost nothing from it and worried I ask,
“What is going on? It feels like your presence is disappearing; is it because
of something I did?” “No
it isn’t because of something you did but because it is the natural order of
things; over the past few days you have grown to understand yourself well and
for that reason my existence is no longer a necessity. Soon I will disappear
entirely for as I said I am but a part of you and hopefully soon I will be you
and you will be me.” I
look at it oddly; it makes sense that it will soon be a part of me as it always
was but I find it unsettling that soon that assuring presence that has guided
me for some time now will disappear entirely. Then again I think it can't truly
disappear for it is me; it will only end up being the way it was supposed to be
as I accept it as me. “Well
weird as it sounds I think I will miss you even though you are me but I can
promise you, one way or the other I will not falter nor will I forget all that
I found out about myself and no matter the condition I will walk on through
this desert until I reach the crossroads of my life where I must choose my
path, if such a crossroads does exist,” with that, tired from all the walking I
lie down on the ground and fall asleep amidst thoughts of my future. I
wake up to find myself near a crossroads; surprised and confused I ask my
shadow, “What is this? Where are we and wait does a crossroad of life really
exist? Last night I think I was just talking about the unknown in ways I
pictured it,” and I wait in vain as no answer comes forth. I look around and
find my shadow but it seems my shadow is truly a part of me and no reason for
its sentient presence exists. The decisions about my life now rest with me and
me alone. I walk up the straight path leading to the crossroads and find myself
face to face with three paths " one to my left, one straight down and the third
one to my right. I
peer down the first path and I see the mundane existence of the myriads that go
about their lives as set up by fate or destiny and I feel no interest in it
whatsoever. I stare down the second path and I see my old and dear friends
calling out to me to join them on the road that we had taken together all those
years ago and I feel tempted, a growing sense of longing and I peel my eyes
away from the second road and gaze down the third. It seems laden with my
desires and yet I cannot see too far, for it is hazy and veiled in mystique. I
feel my buried thoughts rising, clashing with my longing for my friends. I
stand there, as the clash inside me grows more violent with profanities hurled
from both sides and I watch as if from the outside even as the third road
overcomes the longing for the second. I
look at my friends and say, “I’m sorry; even though I really want to join you
and walk down that road with you, my wishes stare back at me from the road on
my right. I feel like I’ve betrayed you and for that I apologize again but this
is my life and I do wish to shape it as I see fit and for that reason I cannot
join you.” And
my best friend replies with a smile, “Finally you are talking some sense; you
definitely should go down that road and see for yourself what lies ahead just
as we will walk down this one and shape our lives and all this time we will
always be friends, well at least long as you don’t fall dumb again.” We
laugh even as they turn away to see where their road leads them; I stand there
for a while, a tear running down my face as all the experiences come crashing
down on me and with a new determination I turn right and start my walk down the
hazy road, content in friendship and fulfilled wishes... © 2012 SidAuthor's Note
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