Departure from lover

Departure from lover

A Poem by Mr Good
"

this is poem on how a hero/lover feels when he knows he is seeing his love for the last time and that he and his lover can't be together in future.the lady smiles as she departs and the poem expresses

"
PARTING SMILE

smile that breaks the silence
yet it doesn't speak
for the lover,the poet
must pen down a melancholy

smile that breathes life in me
yet it makes life difficult
sore than sea's water
composer lives with heavy heart;burdensome to depart

smile that holds me to you
yet it will be the last image of you
swollen are eyes with dreams 
dried with wind of time

smile that flashes in my mind
yet my eyes won't see you any near
gone are the glares 
that brimmed with glee and brood warmth out
 
smile that wakes me up for slumber
yet you are a dream
seen multitude of times
that it foreshadow the angel bygone

smile that makes me hope
yet its that stole me my soul
for the poet rich with past memories;
now poor of his love 

smile that dips into my heart
yet it makes heart sobs
it bleeds ferociously
like stabbed with icey cold dart

smile that i remember the shortest
yet i can draft a book on it
too lil to say;the poet's pain is grand
even earth's surface sans corner to fill

smile that worketh its way to my loneliness
yet I feel your absence
uniquely lover's solitude
is not that world could percieve

smile that is drinkable like water
yet it manifolds my thirst
enough to drink
sore like ocean's water

smile that was pleasant like twilight
yet it inflamed me like sun 
that smile i treasure 
when you knew we can't be together

© 2013 Mr Good


Author's Note

Mr Good
I WOULD LOVE TO GET SOME FEEDBACK FROM READERS,IF YOU LIKE THE POEM,KINDLY INFORM OTHERS ALSO TO READ.

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Reviews

Lovely poem of lover and her smile and a smile from our lover is all it takes sometimes to set the heart in motion. The only remembrance of a smile at least is a positive thought in times of pain. Thanks for sharing.

Posted 7 Years Ago


The topic really resonates with me and I was truly looking forward to some wallowing in the loss of a past love but after the sublime first stanza I hit this line -
"sore than sea's water..." - which didnt make sense to me

then this -
"burdensome to depart" - which was surplus to requirement ans seemed like a one-line summation of the whole poem.

3rd stanza is sublime

4th stanza this line tripped me -
"yet my eyes won't see you any near"

5th stanza starts wonderfully but the last line in it could be better

6th stanza line two could be better - the final couplet in that stanza is breathtaking. :)

- I ran out of steam reviewing because your writing seems to fail you after the 6th stanza - as if you lost interest
overall a good write and I can see a lot of potential in this - it could be potent if you pare it down and take care of typos.


I like the repetition of the word 'smile'

Posted 7 Years Ago


Mr Good

7 Years Ago

Sore than sea's water is concept taken from rhyme of ancient mariner, after the albatross was killed.. read more
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
ANTO

7 Years Ago

thanks MrGood, I appreciate that and it makes much more sense now.
There are a few grammatical errors here and there.overall the poem is okay.

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on August 22, 2013
Last Updated on August 22, 2013
Tags: love, departure, smile, separation


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