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A Poem by Simply Whitney
"

This is a song I wrote, tell me what you think. It's a true story, I hope you can understand it's meaning. And don't even think about copy writing it.

"

She has secrets that no one knows,

Her burning fire overflows.

Trusting is something

She doesn't know how to do.

You must be really close for her

To open her doors.

 

You walk right through,

Into something you never knew.

 

Broken heart,

Never mended from it's last break.

Shattered dreams,

But what she shows is not what it seems.

She knew well,

What she was meant to be.

Maybe she'll see,

There is so much more than this.

 

People look at her in many ways,

Like they're caught in some daze.

Words were spread behind her back,

About the things she's always lacked.

Her promises were broken,

Left her with all these lies.

Sitting in confusion,

While jealousy was in their eyes.

 

You walk right through,

Into something you never knew.

 

Brojen heart,

Never mended from it's last break.

Shattered dreams,

But what she shows is not what it seems.

She knew well,

What she was meant to be.

Maybe she'll see,

There is so much more.

There is so much more.

 

She layed down her life,

Surrendered it all.

She found out,

She's not the one

To catch her self when she falls.

 

Healing heart,

Coming back together.

Gathered dreams,

It's all becoming clearer.

She still knows,

What is set for her.

She now sees,

There is so much more.

 

Cause there is so much more to me.

© 2008 Simply Whitney


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Reviews

Hi Whitney,
I'm sorry, but it's all so very generalised. I really think you need to come up with more specific problems that readers can come to grips with. I know after reading your bio that you're only fourteen, and life can seem like hell at that age. (Don't we all know it?) But if you're going to grow as a poet - and I'm sure that you will - you need to get away from this abstract, dreamy, generalised way of writing. The character in this piece comes over as self-obsessed, it's all her against 'them', those faceless people who 'spread words behind her back.' What they actually say is kept from us, what are the 'things she's always lacked?' What's the story behind the 'broken heart?' (Typo there - brojen). You say she 'layed' (laid) down her life, but obviously she didn't, because she's still around, recovering. Try not to be melodramatic over what might come over as being trivial. (Sticks and stones....etc.) 'Gathered dreams' - it sounds poetic, but those gathered dreams have no substance unless you tell the reader what they are.
Don't lose heart. Learn from your critics and attack the subject again, this time filling in the blanks. Also, it's always a good idea to go over the piece again before cut and pasting, to correct any typo's or spelling mistakes.
e.g. - V3 - 'it's last break - should be 'its'. The comma there means 'it is.'
V7 - to catch her self when - should be 'herself', one word.
Last line - Cause there is - if you must shorten the word 'Because', it should be indicated with an apostrophe - 'Cause. Otherwise it reads as 'Cause' - e.g. - He was always true to the cause.
Keep writing.

Posted 14 Years Ago


well this one im not to sure if i like it, it was simple and cute but when your talking about something like this it would be a challenge to go deep. which is a challenge for alot of writers and poets. say your talking about if some one died if your not crying while you are writing or if it isnt stressful to put in to words to the readers its just you saying oh this person died in a not so creative way. so on this poem i think you could have stretched your creativity a little bit further. and dont be mad its a friendly constructive poetry judgement soo basically im reviewing and helping your work become stronger.

Posted 14 Years Ago



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Added on July 14, 2008

Author

Simply Whitney
Simply Whitney

LaPlace, LA



About
well I am Whitney. I have a passion for writing and music so this is pretty much why I joined this shindig but anyways, I am fourteen and I love being myself and to stand out and I do pretty rad job d.. more..

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