Funniest 5 Minutes of My Life

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. Worse 15 minutes of my life.           Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.         You seem familiar. Have I threatened you before?         People think it must be fun to be a super genius but they have no idea how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.               I hate it when ugly people say they need their beauty sleep. B*tch you need to hibernate!         I never said I hated you. I just said that if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.       Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics...           They say you are what you eat but I don't remember eating sexy beast this morning.         I don't have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.         Dear Sneeze, if you're gonna happen, then do it. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave it that way. Sincerely, I look like an idiot         OUT OF MY MIND be back in five minutes           STOP GLOBAL WARMING I need ice for my martini.         come to the dark side we have cookies         I WORK FOR MONEY if you want loyalty, hire a dog.       Dear Gangster, maybe if you pulled your pants up just a little, you might be able to run from the cops faster. Just saying.     Yeah, I was good at math BEFORE they tried to mix the alphabet into it.             When Life gives you LEMONS Squeeze them in people's EYES         I know Karate and, like, two other Japanese words.               If at first you don't succeed skydiving is NOT for you         I AM AN INSTRUMENT GOD USES TO ANNOY PEOPLE         Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.          When your ex says, "you'll never find anyone like me" and you say, "that's the point".   69% of people find something dirty in a sentence           Once you hate someone everything they do is offensive.  Look at this B*tch eating f*ing crackers. Like she owns the place.           Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is really a train.         When your friend falls, you laugh When your phone falls, you panic.

 

Reviews

[Heart Of The Shattered]

I love the third to last one! I can so relate to that...

[skyelight]

happens to me all the time... xD

[Melissa Hoover]

I feel awful but the last one is beyond the truth! Ha! Great job finding these things.

[skyelight]

Depressing but SO true lol xD