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A Poem by SlightlyOdd

Someone small looked up at the moon, the sky, and the stars
They looked all around, wandering effortlessly through tiny battles fought during tiny wars.
The battle ground was never here though despite that's where it starts
Yes drift they did only when they fought, they fought themself picking at their own faults for all their parts.
Never showing their true heart
The only one who ever got a glimpse
Was someone very far away
the warrior on the moon with an angel on it's back.
Pushing it all down
Letting it push them down
Hoping dreaming That someone would notice
But the only one who did
Was the warrior on the moon with an angel on its back.
Sufering with a smile determined not to be a burden.
Never getting close enough to get hurt.
But getting smacked anyway
A wonder they didn't snap
but who's to say they won't.
They know what they're doing
they know it's not healthy
But still
telling someone all they've be harboring would be like begging for praise
making them feel like they should be nice to them.
To tell them that everyday they thought:
I'm stupid.
Whenever anything is good i always have to mess it up.
why am i so weak, i try to change but i can't.
I'm really truly a selfish person; people say I'm not but with everything good I do, I get this warm feeling. There's always a gain.
Why can't i be like them.
Why am i not good enough.
Why am i not satisfied i have everything i need more than a lot of people, yet i always find myself wanting more.
Why am i so self absorbed.
Why am I so Different.
Always asking themselves
Why am i so STUPID.
But they'd never tell anyone this
No not at all.
They'd never commit suicide,
not because it was wrong but because of what they'd do to the people who loved them.
But maybe what they're doing is like suicide.
Unsure, confused.
hoping, dreaming.
That someone would notice,
not that they'd tell them this.
but it helps to know there's someone out their to notice.
Not that they'd ever say anything,
but anyone who really listened could tell.
So they looked to the moon.
And wondered why they were so stupid.
Because hope was STUPID,
and no one noticed
But the warrior on the moon with an angel on its back

© 2013 SlightlyOdd


Author's Note

SlightlyOdd
Edited version. If you see anything wrong let me know! ;)

My Review

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Featured Review

This is not going to be brief... Let's start with the grammar first....
In the 4th line 'falts' should be *faults*...... In line 20 'their' should be *they are*...

Maybe you would like to alter this line:
"I'm really truly a selfish person people say I'm not but with everything good thing I do I get this warm feeling. There's always a gain"
There should be a semi colon " ; " after 'selfish person'.... Also it should *everything good i do, i get this warm feeling* instead of 'everything good thing i do i get this warm feeling'...

There is a subject-verb disagreement wherever you use 'Aren't I'..
"You wouldn’t say I aren’t, so you can’t say aren’t I." Instead of aren't I use *Am i not*

Also
Always asking themselves instead of 'themself'..
One more correction:
But maybe what *they are* doing is like suicide.. Instead of 'their'...
You may also want to rewrite the sentence below:
"not that they'd tell them this.".... Use *I'd* instead of they would.....
That it for all the errors... Now the i come to the poem structure....
It is well written poem with a good structure and rhyming pattern...
You convey your point quite genuinely and also manage to put your feelings in it....
The use of metaphors was good and the rhythm too is fine.... Well done!

There is scope for improvement... Maybe you should read more and more......
It may maybe that you wrote this poem in a hurry but as you know little mistakes can hurt the aura of the poem.....

I hope you accept my review in good spirits..... It took me 15 minutes to write it and i can assure you i just wanted to be as honest as possible....
Thank you for sharing!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

SlightlyOdd

8 Years Ago

Thank you for your comment I'm so pleased someone spent so much time on my poem! And I'll be sure to.. read more
This comment has been deleted by the poster.



Reviews

someone will notice

and they will say the right words in time

Posted 7 Years Ago


SlightlyOdd

7 Years Ago

Sorry I didn't respond earlier, thanks for reading my poem
I think this one is great already, it spoke a lot like you were just talking to me and that was what makes this poem great (:

Posted 7 Years Ago


SlightlyOdd

7 Years Ago

Thanks for reviewing
Rhianne Ney

7 Years Ago

You're welcome, dude
This is not going to be brief... Let's start with the grammar first....
In the 4th line 'falts' should be *faults*...... In line 20 'their' should be *they are*...

Maybe you would like to alter this line:
"I'm really truly a selfish person people say I'm not but with everything good thing I do I get this warm feeling. There's always a gain"
There should be a semi colon " ; " after 'selfish person'.... Also it should *everything good i do, i get this warm feeling* instead of 'everything good thing i do i get this warm feeling'...

There is a subject-verb disagreement wherever you use 'Aren't I'..
"You wouldn’t say I aren’t, so you can’t say aren’t I." Instead of aren't I use *Am i not*

Also
Always asking themselves instead of 'themself'..
One more correction:
But maybe what *they are* doing is like suicide.. Instead of 'their'...
You may also want to rewrite the sentence below:
"not that they'd tell them this.".... Use *I'd* instead of they would.....
That it for all the errors... Now the i come to the poem structure....
It is well written poem with a good structure and rhyming pattern...
You convey your point quite genuinely and also manage to put your feelings in it....
The use of metaphors was good and the rhythm too is fine.... Well done!

There is scope for improvement... Maybe you should read more and more......
It may maybe that you wrote this poem in a hurry but as you know little mistakes can hurt the aura of the poem.....

I hope you accept my review in good spirits..... It took me 15 minutes to write it and i can assure you i just wanted to be as honest as possible....
Thank you for sharing!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

SlightlyOdd

8 Years Ago

Thank you for your comment I'm so pleased someone spent so much time on my poem! And I'll be sure to.. read more
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
Wooowwwwwwwwwww. Brilliant. Your poems are deep and your poems are smart.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

SlightlyOdd

8 Years Ago

Thanks for reviewing!

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Laurierose
Poet at heart. Romantic by nature. Nature the style. Styled by experiences. Experience this world that is my mind...

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336 Views
4 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on February 13, 2013
Last Updated on February 14, 2013
Tags: sad, moon, warrior, alone, don't ask, never tell, depressing
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SlightlyOdd
SlightlyOdd

Mysteries Mysteries oh what fun



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Here's the thing why not guess Give it your best: Cats are a no but the symbol a yes Green is good by my color is gold I am a mule but when facts are told I relinquish my throne with crusts of .. more..

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