We don't try

Just close your eyes

while one us pretends

that the other will be fine

maybe you'll hold my hand

or maybe I'll hold yours.

 

I'll close my eyes

and pretend I don't know you saw me cry

and you'll close your mouth

and pretend that I'm fine.

 

Don't you know your doing it wrong

it's easier to feel bad for yourself

if you cry,

not the other way around.

 

So you will close your eyes

and pretend your not sad 

and I will close my mouth

and pretend that you're happy.

 

I will hold your hand

or maybe you'll hold mine

and we'll walk together in the dark

and pretend we can see.

 

As I fade away

I'll hold your hand,

and you will hold mine.

Then we'll both pretend.

You'll smile for the world

and I'll do the same

 

Until you fade away,

or until I do the same.

 

We'll pretend. 

Reviews

[Jock Engelman]

An amazing portrayal of a couple both battling their own internal demons. It does read well except for a few phrases. But that is part amd parcel with perfecting a piece.
Rating = 95/100

[SlightlyOdd]

Thank you for reviewing.

[SlightlyOdd]

And also if you don't mind could you be a bit more specific about the phrasing issues as constructive critisim is always welcome.

[Jock Engelman]

Well the main one is:
"
Just close your eyes
and one us pretends
"
To me this is a brilliant beginning but the wording itself is difficult to read.

[SlightlyOdd]

Is this better?

[Jock Engelman]

That's much better. However I feel there may be a grammar issue this should fix it:

Just close your eyes
while one of us pretends
that the other will be fine
maybe you'll hold my hand
or maybe I'll hold yours.

[Leslie Philibert]

Like the way you leave the quatrain verse form towards the end... good

[SlightlyOdd]

thanks for reviewing