My emotions

My heart aches 

As I say your name

My soul crumbles

As I feel your pain

Broken eyes tear

As I see you near

My head bows 

As I see my sins

The light in my life dims 

As I see you walk away

My heart breaks

As I say your name

Reviews

[Acucena G.]

i relate to this poem, because I have felt the same way once. Its a wonderful poem , well penned.

[Aria K.]

Thank you !

[Steve]

This is very solid! You are good. This one really came together at the end nicely.

[Aria K.]

Thank you very much !

[Rahul]

My heart breaks
As I say your name, these two line's make me emotional but happy as well anyhow (i don;y know why...lol )
nicely penned, again you made my night by this piece.

[Aria K.]

Thank you very much for reading and your really positive review :) well this poem I wrote in about 8 minutes so I was surprised when I saw that people found it good !! I thought about it and put it on paper straight away :)

[Rahul]

Really ?
really you made it in 8 minutes /? i can't believe because i'd my poem don't know you yet read or not, i even made that one in 11 minutes...not sour up or down in seconds...lol
it's a great, great, and an awesome write if you really had made this in 8 minutes, now i'm thinking that i should have to break your this record....lol :)

[Aria K.]

Lol !! yes I really did write it in 8 minutes :) What can I say it just popped up in my mind I made a few changes and I published it :) but I am very glad you like it !! And also let me know if you break my record :)

[Rahul]

Ok, i'll surely let you know if any write i could make in 8 minutes o in 7 minutes...lol, well, if i'll make in 9 minutes then i'd be great as well, because i really won't love to beat you or your record but i want to break this record because as i know "RECORDS'RE MADE ONLY TO BREAK"...am i right or am i 100% right ? lol :)

[Aria K.]

Hahaha :P you are right

[unsavable_soul]

Nice piece,
I like the heart felt emotions in this and the straight to the point nature of this. I personally feel in my honesty that this is a little plain though to my taste, I am a fan of metaphor and strong descriptive factors. This is not to say this is a bad piece, I don' think it is. More a thought that it could be done with more creative intentions, but this my mentally lethargic opinion.
Sincerely
Christopher

[Aria K.]

Thank you for your review ! Will keep everything in mind !!

[Mason Rayburn]

I think going from an ABAB rhyme scheme to an AABB scheme is what's making the poem sound off to me. The first four lines (ABAB) seem like they should be part of a different poem. As was mentioned before, the rhyme scheme is lost or changed up further as the poem progresses.

Don't get me wrong, when I am simply expressing myself in my writing, I have probably done this very thing myself. My work is likewise confusing to the readers. In order to make great poetry, some rhyme and reasoning needs to be constant through the whole piece. I would like to think that I am beginning to grasp this concept as more reviews of my work are added.

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad and beautiful poem of love. I like the way you used the short statements to make your point. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Aria K.]

Thank you for your positive review :) much appreciated

[Imara]

Wow, very "emotional" piece. (maybe not the best time for a very bad pun) I love the way you brought the end and the beginning together. I reminds me of a Robert Frost poems, he does that a lot. A very simple yet powerful meaning that anyone can connect to. Seeing that one person, that person who was your whole world. That one person who you were sure you could love forever walk away. Worse walk away because of something that you did. Really great work I love the rhyme! Great Job!

[Aria K.]

Thank you for your positive review Imara. Saying that it reminds you of Robert Frost poems is really flattering as I love Robert Frost and I really enjoy his poems! Yes seeing that special someone walking away because of my mistakes is heartbreaking. Thank you so much for the review :)

[Imara]

Welcome ^^ keep up the good work

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

I feel your pain, Aria. But your eyes are not broken otherwise they could not "...see you walk away." I think this would have more impact if the lines were joined and perhaps as free verse. E.g.:

----------------
My heart aches as I say your name
My soul crumbles as I feel your pain

Broken eyes tear as I see you near
My head bows as I see my sins

The light in my life dims
As I see you walk away

My heart breaks as I say your name
----------------

A contrite rendition of sentiment though. :)

[Aria K.]

Thank for your review and your advise :) And thank you for reading xx

[quinfinn]

this is a lovely, piece, i would love to see you play with the words a bit, before you set them in stone. there is always more you can do with a line if it sounds a little cliche...you have a very obvious talent for making rhyme, some find that difficult and belabor it....seems to come naturally for you...that is good! use your rhyming skills to make your lines more provocative...the last six lines in this have virtually no rhyme scheme, making it seem like two different poems. example, from "my head bows....as i see my sins...as you walk away my life light dims...heartbroken tears, fall as rain...and as you leave, i whisper your name....." this is just an example of how you can easily make changes which don't seem forced. an adjective or adverb can make a huge difference in the right places....thank you for asking me to read, very enjoyable!!!

[Aria K.]

Thank you so much for your positive review! I am very glad you enjoyed it :) To be honest this poem didn't take long to write , I was done in 8 minutes, it was just something that came to mind and I had to write it down. But I will keep everything in mind and improve my writing :) Thank you again

[quinfinn]

never, never give up! you have a talent.....

[Aria K.]

thank you so much!

[quinfinn]

;)