As the Year Dies

“Stand back! Give her air!” yelled the panicked king, rushing to his wife's side. "Someone fetch a healer!” The group dispersed, revealing the queen’s inert form. She’d gone utterly still, face ashen.

Kiran rolled the sleeves of his tunic up to his elbows. Why had he worn a cloak? It felt more like the end of April than the last day of December. Almost none of the hobbits bustling around the kingdom of Drémeadow had the scarves, mittens and head coverings one would typically wear in early winter. Wasn’t Drémeadow supposed to be colder than Cancalia since it was further north on the continent? Ah, well. He wasn’t about to complain. He’d be out here at least an hour while the two princes and two princesses carried out the tradition of greeting guests in person for the Pre-New Years Banquet. Unseasonably warm was preferable to bitter cold while he juggled a fifth line to speed up the admittance process and making sure Princess Nora, Princess Jillian, Prince Odo and Prince Folco were safe.

The royal family's home stood out amidst the spread-out houses, shops, silos, storage sheds and marketplaces.  Not only was it very large compared to the other buildings, but it was the only edifice with two stories.  A five-foot stone wall enclosed the wooden  palace. Hedges lined the inside and outside of the wall. Bare rosebushes lined the front. The sides were devoid of plants, but bare dirt evidenced the presence a garden at times of the year that permitted plant life. Compared to other kingdoms, the Drémeadow palace’s exterior was nondescript. The Foxtrots, like most halflings, preferred making the inside as comfortable as possible to impressing foreign visitors with a gaudy exterior.

          Dozens of party-goers gathered around the palace in Drémeadow’s capital city, Hardscrabble. Those waiting outside the front gate, evenly distributed among five queues, were clad in dressy clothes.  Clips and pins held carefully styled curls and waves in places. The dresses, coats and trousers were the finest material their respective wearers could afford. Seems Drémeadow’s halflings- no, hobbits,Kiran, they hate being called halflings - dress up just as much as Cancalia’s humans, elves, dwarves and gnomes. The most interesting thing here was the homogeneity of the population. The palace had employees of other races but otherwise Drémeadow seemed all hobbits. 

Hobbit guards in garments of red, brown and gold  stood ten yards back watching the princes and princesses check invitations. As the adolescent and young adult children of the king and queen, they wore the most expensive garb of all. Their gold jewelry and hair ornaments glistened in the sinking sun. Kiran, the fifth, towered over the two lads to his left and the young hobbit-women to his right. Both his height and the gold armor bearing a crest other than Drémeadow’s made him stand out like a sore thumb. He was the only one out here that wasn’t a hobbit. 

But then, it could have been worse. There could be orcs. Kiran was grateful none of the orc guards were out here. He’d known about and felt disquieted by their presence ever since he’d entered Drémeadow as an envoy from Cancalia a week ago. He’d casually asked about them the other day once he’d built enough rapport with his hosts. King Hrothgar said his advisor Jarmir Esteel had suggested the orcs. Jarmir’s reasoning was that orcs were bigger and thus useful for protecting Drémeadow denizens in ways his own race could not- through brute strength. Kiran was far from satisfied. Though none of the orcs had done anything, he did not trust them. He could not forget the way their eyes had malevolently followed him after they noticed the holy symbol of his god. Then there were the various horror stories about orcs around the continent to consider, not to mention his own personal experiences. Presumably the orcs in the employ of Drémeadow’s king were better behaved than most, as Kiran had seen no signs of wanton destruction, but it seemed too good to be true that the orcs were refraining from trouble. Orcs were notoriously difficult to control. What was keeping them from devastating the entire city? Ah, well, not my homeland, I suppose I oughtn’t worry too much. At least I don’t have to have dealings with them. Thank the gods.

The man's attention shifted to a particularly large family, the Rivers, near the front of the youngest hobbit's line. They were too deeply immersed in discussion to notice, let alone acknowledge him even though he'd become acquainted with some of them, especially the eldest, Lindo.   “I can scarcely believe it’s already becoming 3015. It seems just yesterday the Continental Calendar hit 3000! And would you believe we’ve been a monarchy for five years already? Seems the Restructuring just happened!” remarked a corpulent gentlehobbit with a blue cloak. He nodded towards the youngest of the hobbits checking invitations, a gangly adolescent. “But then, Prince Folco was just a pudgy lad. Nowhere near my height, let alone taller than me!”

“Will the party be any fun?” asked a tiny girl. “Or will it be the king or queen talking the whole time? Say, look at that!” She pointed directly at  Kiran. "Why's he so tall?" Kiran could not help but smile at her bluntness. Young children had no restraint on their words.

“Don’t be daft, that’s a human,” Lindo snapped. “And Folco’s family always throws good banquets. Plenty of eating, drinking and entertainment for all.”

“His Highness.” rebuked his mother. “You might be good friends with Prince Folco, but you’re in public.”

The adolescent muttered, “right.”  He gestured to the Pre-New Years Banquet invitations held by his parents and younger siblings. “Give those here. I’ll give them to Prince Folco.” As the prince signaled to the guards that the four hobbits in front of him were permitted to pass, Lindo stepped forward with a respectful bow of his head, presenting the pile parchment. “Your Highness, the Rivers family.” He tucked his chin to his chest, waiting for the young prince to take them.

            The dark-haired prince smiled slightly as he accepted the parchment, halfheartedly thumbing through them. “Go on,” he whispered.  As the Riverses began to pass through the ornate wooden gate, Prince Folco laid a sinewy hand on Lindo’s elbow. “You know, you don’t have to bother with the niceties. How many times do I have to tell you? People know we’ve been friends since before we ever became a monarchy. It’s not exactly a state secret.”

            “Don’t be absurd, others can hear,” Lindo whispered back to Prince Folco as the Rivers family exchanged discreet smiles with the prince. “Talk to you after if you have any time to sneak away, okay?” He inclined his head one last time.

"Straight through the gate, along the path and into the main door," said Folco, his voice exaggeratedly businesslike. "There will be guards to direct yoiu

~*~*~

            Once the palace’s banquet hall was filled to capacity and wine had been distributed to the guests, the king and queen stood up. The king was first to speak. “Welcome, ladies and gentlehobbits, to the annual Pre-New Years Banquet. I am pleased to see each and every one of you present in my hall. My staff has my thanks for ensuring the banquet would be possible. I intend to keep my speech short-“ there were several appreciative smiles among the guests- “as I know everyone is hungry. We shall commence our feast with Queen Arabella leading us in a toast.” A smattering of applause ensued.

Queen Arabella’s fine-boned hand rose, holding her red wine aloft in the air. The tight golden-brown curls gathered by several gold clips into a long plait and topped by a small gold crown were immaculate. Though the lines in her face indicated middle age, her dark brown eyes were vivacious, her cheeks rosy with the glow reminiscent of youth. “My dear hobbits! Thank you all for taking the time and effort to travel here tonight despite the cold. I greatly appreciate seeing each and every one of you gathered here, as do King Hrothgar, Princess Nora, Princess Jillian, Prince Odo and Prince Folco.” The royal family, oldest to youngest, gave a wave at mention of their name.  “I invite you all to take part in a toast. Raise your glasses.” Crystal wine glasses rose to the ceiling all over the feast hall.

          “To a happy and prosperous 3015!” Arabella said in acknowledgement of the Continental Calendar. The rest of the hall echoed her. “To family and friendship!” Another echo. “To the health of all in Drémeadow!” At that, the queen began to drain her glass, followed by the rest of the royal family and all the guests.

Suddenly, Queen Arabella’s eyes went very wide. Her pupils contracted. Her rosy face blanched to white, then grey, then an ominous greenish hue as she began to gag and cough. The human stirred, sliding his chair back, staring at the ruler with a speculative face. Gasps, resonating cries and murmurs erupted among the guests.

A series of crashes reverberated around the hall as the Queen collapsed in convulsions, her long sleeve sweeping her plate, silverware and some of Princess Nora’s utensils off the High Table. One of her flailing arms struck her chair, knocking it sideways. Her grip loosened on her crystal glass. A dark purple stain spread on the white silk carpet covering the dais. The crystal glass rolled along the dais and off the platform, shattering upon the stone floor. There were several cries. Many of those sharing a table with the royal family left their seats, crowding around the thrashing queen. “Stand back! Give her air!” bellowed the panicked king, rushing from his seat to the side of his wife. He shoved aside Princess Nora and Prince Odo to get to his wife. “Out of my way!  All of you! Someone fetch a healer!”  The group dispersed, revealing the queen’s inert form. She’d gone utterly still, face ashen. The human stood, striding towards the anxious hobbits.

A lithe figure with long pointed ears and sweeping bottle-green robes with silver lining that highlighted his green eyes emerged from the chamber behind the High Table. The elf cut in front of the human, knelt over the queen, jet-black hair falling into his thin face. She had gone utterly still. He seized her wrist. His thin, straight eyebrows deepened into a frown. The bony hand hovered just above her mouth to feel for breath, then straightened her face and placed two fingers against Queen Arabella’s neck. Finally, his pinkies closed the inert hobbit’s eyelids over fixed and dilated brown eyes devoid of light.

The faces of the king and queen's sons and daughters varied in reaction.Though all but Folco were over twenty and thus past the age of legal adulthood, they looked suddenly as uncertain as five-year-olds away from their parents for the first time. Jillian blinked rapidly. Odo's fists were clenched, and Nora clutched her chair so hard that her knuckles whitened. Whispers swept the hall. More than once, the paladin was sure he heard the word "poison."

Presently, several servants bore the lifeless queen out of the hall. The human sank into his chair in dismay. The two princes and two princesses looked fearfully at the goblets from whence they’d just imbibed their own wine.

The elf whispered something to the king, who turned very pale. His children, comprehending, shared expressions of mingled shock, disbelief and terror. The look in the elf’s jade eyes could chill one’s blood. The elf and the king exchanged whispered words impossible for anyone else to hear through the hullaballoo erupting in the hall.

The king stepped forward, extending a long finger towards the human, cheeks bright red spots against a white background.  Golden-brown eyes smoldered with fury. The confused human retreated a step. Nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.

 “Paladin!” roared King Hrothgar. “How dare you! You enter my land, we grant you hospitality, and you repay us by taking away my wife’s breath and heartbeat with your poison! Leave at once!”

Author's Note

I've just divided this chapter in half. Formerly, this and chapter 2 used to be one big chapter, but after several people suggested that sheer length might scare off readers before they ever peruse a word, I figured it'd be prudent to leave off at the accusation.

Please leave me any ideas for improvement you have!

Reviews

[Craig2591]

I think this is written well and saw no obvious errors. Good description. The characters seem believable. My only problem is with the orcs. Unless I missed something, they seemed to appear halfway through this chapter from out of nowhere. Also, as a huge Tolkien fan, I picture orcs as evil. What are they doing at this banquet?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

What are they doing there indeed (= They are quite evil. I may add a chapter or two before this one where Kiran specifically asks about them after noticing them. I've been thinking about some buildup, though may need a new hook if I add that chapter or two. You have a very good point though

[Craig2591]

At this point I don't know what you have in mind, but if you just show him wondering to himself about the orcs and then explain their presence in a later chapter it might be a quick and easy fix.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Good idea, especially since the incidents I'm thinking of, for most part, don't do much more than show more depth to the characters' personalities, though there are a couple of things Kiran shrugs off at time that transpire to be of paramount significance as he realizes in hindsight.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I'm trying out this paragraph: Kiran was grateful none of the orc guards were out here dealing with incoming partygoers. He’d known about and felt disquieted by their presence ever since he’d entered Drémeadow. King Hrothgar, when asked, had told him his advisor Jarmir Esteel had suggested the orcs. Jarmir’s reasoning was that orcs were bigger and thus useful for protecting Drémeadow denizens in ways his own race could not- through brute strength- but he was far from satisfied. Though none of the orcs had done anything, he did not trust them. He could not forget the way their eyes had malevolently followed him after they noticed the holy symbol of his god. Then there were the various horror stories about orcs around the continent to consider, not to mention his own personal experiences. Presumably the orcs in the employ of Drémeadow’s king were better behaved than most, as Kiran had seen no signs of wanton destruction, but it seemed too good to be true that the orcs were refraining from trouble. Orcs were notoriously difficult to control. What was keeping them from acting like orcs?

[Craig2591]

Perfect! It explains a lot.

[Stefanie Holmes]

You had sent me a read request for another chapter, but I had never read this before so I found the beginning and decided to start from there.

I really enjoyed this story so far and the character development. There is a lot going on here and there, so I would watch that you don't pile too much on for the reader. You don't want to overwhelm our brains! Haha.

Anyway, I truly did enjoy this opening chapter and I will continue reading on as I get the time to.

~Stefanie

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks so much for the review, Stef, and for all your others! I'm trying to do some revisions. I'm almost wondering whether to move everything after the king's accusation of Kiran to another chapter, leaving it at a cliffhanger.

[Roo]

I enjoyed this prologue. I found it a little confusing and still don't like the term Hobbit, but it reads okay. There are grammatical errors, but who doesn't have them. And there are some curious sentences eg. '...His neck, face and ears were virtually the crimson of blood in his wrath.' It doesn't mean a lot to me and it stopped me reading. I also read you piece aloud and found a few moments where I stumbled, because of similar sentences and on occasion the rhythm stopped rocking. eg. 'A lithe figure with long pointed ears and sweeping bottle-green robes with silver lining that highlighted his green eyes emerged from the chamber behind the High Table.' You've got to have a good old breath in your lungs to get through that one.
'The faces of the king and queen's sons and daughters varied in reaction.Though all but Folco were over twenty and thus past the age of legal adulthood, they looked suddenly as uncertain as five-year-olds away from their parents for the first time.' First they were varied but then they all had the appearance of five year olds. The first sentence tells me nothing really and deleting it would not change the paragraph. Therefore get rid of it. You need to simplify some of the sentences. Ask yourself what are you trying to convey. And read it out aloud, so you know when your writing stumbles.
I think, mostly, your rhythm is good and once I got over the second paragraph, complicated ++++, I thought the tale rolled along nicely. And it ended well. Not a hook but the arrest was well timed and I'm inclined to read on.
Roo

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Getting excessively flowery in my writing is definitely one of my flaws, I know I've had English teachers point that out too, particularly because I've tested in the 99th percentile of the American population in vocab! My mind also flies in 20 different directions at once, ADHD issues, so you can imagine what that does!

I'll have to try the read-aloud thing [=

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Looking back over, definitely see what you mean about the second paragraph! I'll definitely do the read through this out loud thing. I'll also speculate on ways to push the chapter to having a hook.

[Roo]

Sorry I've just read your blurb. I am going to trek over to your Democracy's end. I'm assuming from the above message that's where I should start. though as the above is only titled Prologue it is difficult to line up what it is a prologue for. forgive me if I am showing untold stupidity, but I am confused.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

If I add another chapter between this and "Return to Normalcy" (I suppose I could use another chapter of abnormal events, and perhaps showing Kiran's friendship with the refugees deepening?)

[Roo]

A quick point about how you have set up your writing in Writers Cafe. I have only been able to start this story because it is titled prologue. I have started reading a couple of your pieces only to find they are chapters of a story with preceding chapters. I like to start at the beginning. Can't you set it up so I can find the beginning a little more easily. I had almost given up. But now, after a couple of failed attempts I have found a place to start and will get back to reading your work. it reads well so far. Don't get the Hobbit thing. Are they Hobbits as in Tolkien Hobbits?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Hey, my apologies for the confusion! I am inconsistent in my RRs as I tend to feel bad flooding people with those- I worry about flooding the RR inbox.

Basically, I have three books in progress, all set in the same universe, although I am striving to write them in a way where one could read the whole series- or they could read a single one as a standalone novel if they wanted.

They do have similarity to Tolkien hobbits, but there's a couple of differences may have to go into somehow when I do the chapter between this one and the

I haven't decided whether to keep this a prologue or make it plain old Chapter 1. I made it a prologue since the next chapter is set a month later and in a completely different place, but if I add the one in between- you've actually given me some ideas- the term "prologue" definitely won't fit.

As for the order, you're correct in "Democracy's End" being the first of the books, although (I hope) this should be comprehensible without reading its predecessor. If you hit any points where you feel like there should have been explanation of previous occurrences, please let me know so I can remedy that foible!

[RobertLA]

This is great! I love the descriptions and general atmosphere, it seems to be something you're really good at. There were a few formatting hiccups here and there, but they really didn't bother me enough to take from the overall feel of this.
Altogether, nice work on this, I think I'll read the next chapter.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you for the review! Apologies for the formatting hiccups, WC gets quite irritating at times when it comes to pasting chapters over from Word because it makes nonsensical changes in format for no reason. I hope the next chapter seemed as good to you!

[Aleks Edwin]

I loved the start to this, It is a really strong introduction and grabbed my attention! its really gutsy to kill off a main character in the prologue! lol . There is a couple things I have to say on that, though: I would have loved to see more emotion from the royal children on the death of their mother. It happens and all they are worried about is what is in their cups, and Folco only seems set on defending Kiran.

In 'Democracy's end', the Queen and King were worried about how they would be received as royalty and knew the possibility of danger and threats. I don't know what you have planned in the end of 'Democracy' but this seems to be the first real attack on their family and their reign, so I would love to know their reaction to that as well.
If all this is explained in later chapters, please ignore this, haha! Im sure I will discover more as I continue reading, but that was my initial reaction.
Thanks! ~Aleks

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you for the suggestions! You are definitely correct in your guess that this is certainly the first attack to result in bloodshed, though hardly the first of the family's troubles as Democracy will reveal.

I shall work on alluding to their emotions. Since this book is mostly from Kiran's point-of-view, with a few chapters focused on characters such as Folco, Lindo, Kiran's friend Nont'im and other characters, I left out most details on emotion of the princes and princes, but can definitely try adding them.

[Yaseen J Malik]

great start. open world like these are usually combinations of things we like and have seen from other stories!
i felt that the pace was great and the beginning is solid.
the only thing i would change would be the first line "The sun had moved significantly towards the west in the sky." i think it would work better without in the sky" on to the next chapter!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you! I've made some edits to the story so that the chapter you reviewed is now chapter 1 after a prologue, but I removed "in the sky." It does seem rather redundant!

[Alleyway Rover]

Hello. I picked this up from the Leave a Write, Leave a Review Group and thought I would give this a looksee. I confess that I don’t read a lot of fantasy, so you may have to forgive the odd question or two.

Okay line notes first:

I don’t know why exactly, but I like the name ‘Yowling Bobcat Tavern.” I would go drinking there.

“The 29-year-old man sighed slightly, wishing he was not confined to the indoors dealing with paperwork that was his duty.”
This was confusing for a minute, I thought he was outside while he was thinking this. I eventually figured it out, but it was awkward enough to jolt me out of the story.

“I’m confused,” announced Brenk, his childish voice tinged with a faint whine.
Honestly, by this point so am I. I feel like there’s a lot of backstory here that I’m not getting. More on that later…


Overview:
Overall, a good start. We got the line-up of characters and the conflict and away we go…

I will say this. There is a lot to take in here. Too much, in my opinion. Most of the backstory that is coming out in dialogue can wait until it becomes necessary later. It would add a bit of mystery, ramp up the pace a little and keep readers like me from having to draw up a chart to keep track of everyone and what has happened to them.

So to answer your question, yes I think too much exposition at this time.

Along the same lines, I think the scene between the paladin and the halfling children goes on a little longer the needed. I feel like you weren’t sure where you were taking the conversation maybe and it tends to meander and weave. It could be cut down quite a bit and I think it would add more punch to the coming conflict.

Like I said, good start. I think I will enjoy reading this.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much! You're the second person to comment about the dialogue, so I shall definitely look over it to decide what to send to the chopping block.

As for the backstory, I'm moving on to your review of the next chapter as a reply there! [= I decided to take a stab at starting in medias res at a point where the halflings have been refugees for almost a month and jumping back towards what happened to make them that way. I'm very undecided about whether a more interesting starting point is Folco's disappearance or what happened in Dremeadow. Thank you again for the helpful review!

[CreamLatte]

This feels like a combination of Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones and Skyrim and I love it. Your style is great and I like the way the story is flowing at the moment. The only criticism I have is how, in some instances, you're showing instead of telling. I know, I know, that's probably not entirely helpful. But things like giving characters definitive ages - it breaks up the mystery of who this group of adolescents are. Details are excellent, but too much detail means the audience can actually have trouble seeing what you're writing... it doesn't give much room for imagination.

Now, with dialogue. I think the dialogue could be cut down a lot. Now, you happen to be quite good with dialogue and I think it's very important to further the story, but it's only necessary if it gives the plot substance. The children's discussion is essential, surely, but I'm not sure Kiran would stand awkwardly for five minutes as they developed their discussion. However, you can't reveal immediately that it is the prince who is missing, so some depth is still required.

All in all, pretty interesting story.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much for the advice; this was a very helpful review! I will definitely consider which details of the kids' conversations are needed, as well as to vary my descriptions of them. [=

[Phoenix]

Hey there look forward to reading more. And its your friend ( Robbin Bott Facebook) anyway I hope you in turn will read some of mine as well.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you for your review! I just read a set of lyrics for a song I like, and I'm going to have a glance at your books now! If you think of anything that needs improvement, please let me know! [=

[endo rush]

good as is. no need to decrease dialogue. be yourself. erle stanley gardner mostly had dialogues in his perry mason novels.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much, endo rush! By the way, random question, is your name short for endorphin rush? I'm a track athlete so I have to ask and that's the first thing that popped in my head when I saw your name [=

[endo rush]

yup, I trail run regularly. i've experienced runner's high only thrice, though.I had a t shirt made which says WARNING: RUNNING CAUSES HAPPINESS. bUT I'M NO match for you, you seem like a pro

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Trail running is so much fun! [= I'm actually doing some tomorrow for my long day and can't wait!read moreTrail running is so much fun! [= I'm actually doing some tomorrow for my long day and can't wait!

I'm definitely no pro, not quite that fast at either running or even racewalking, but would love to get to that level one day if at all possible!

[endo rush]

I think you also get so many ideas while you run and lose many ideas too because you simply can't remember them all. Even with your cellphone, you simply can't enter all your thoughts, especially during days when ideas flow hard like the current from a waterfall. Then there are days where no ideas come and you grab a book in the library where you work--a book on how to beat writer's block. Bullseye? Did I get it exactly right?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Well, you got the part of me being inspired by my training right for sure, although in my rare moment of poetry, events in my life are the main influence. I'm definitely prone to losing ideas too, or else I cannot figure out how to fit them into what I already have!

When no ideas come, I usually read a book about character development that I own, revise what I already have, or read fantasy novels.