Wilderness

Prince Folco was tired of the food shortage, tired of sleeping in places that did not even remotely resemble a bed and above all tired of overhearing plaintive comments with hostile glances his way.

            Folco leaned against the stone wall of the cave he and the other refugees had managed to find to shelter themselves from the bitter cold outside. It was not the most pleasant of accommodations. Their surroundings smelled heavily of mold, but  there was a pool of water in the cave in addition to the stream about a mile from which they could drink. It  beat being exposed to the freezing rain and howling rain outside. It was cold enough in here.  He pulled his hood as far forward as it would go and drew his cloak into a cocoon around his shivering form.

 

Earlier in the evening, several hobbits had scouted the cave both for predators and other animals that might occupy the cave in hopes of procuring something to eat. They’d been very short on commons in the past eight nights since they’d fled Drémeadow. To their disappointment, they’d found only bats. While they’d shot a few, it was not nearly enough to feed the entire group. Only the smallest children and the hobbits already showing symptoms of illness had eaten an evening meal. The prince himself refused to touch anything. He was on unsteady enough ground when it came to his subjects and fellow refugees without taking food away from those who needed it more.

 

 Around the youth, a mixture of heavy breathing, chattering teeth, snores, sniffles, coughs and the occasional complaint of those who, like him, were unable to sleep echoed throughout the cramped quarters. Folco closed his eyes, drawing his knees into his chest in hopes of stifling the nagging pain in the pit of his stomach. It was his second consecutive day on an empty stomach. Perhaps I should have had some lunch after all, he thought. He could have partaken in one of the deer from earlier, the deer the children and frail had finished for supper, but when he’d overheard several complaints about the meager commons, he’d lost all desire to eat.

 

 Folco was tired of the winter-induced meat shortage, tired of sleeping in places that did not even remotely resemble a bed and above all tired of overhearing plaintive comments supplemented with less-than-friendly glances his way as though he was somehow better off than the rest of them- or, more likely, as though his father’s actions nearly a fortnight ago were somehow his fault. Never mind that he’d come to Kiran’s defense, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt the Cancalian emissary was innocent. Never mind that he’d planted false orders with the gatekeepers to anticipate a large group of early departures and allow them to exit. Never mind that both things, particularly misleading the gatekeepers in his intentions to sabotage efforts at capturing Kiran or any of the now-stateless hobbits amounted to treason.  Then again, Folco thought, he deserved it. After all, had he not acted so childishly on New Years’ Eve, he could have caught his mother’s assassin and prevented her poisoning. But he had, he hadn't been in the kitchen where he should have been. If he'd been there, his very presence might have stopped her death happening. Instead, he'd had someone else go in his stead, someone who missed the assassin tampering with the red wine, and now his mother was dead because of it.

If only he’d known what would happen. Folco would have insisted on staying in the kitchen, annoying though he found it at the time, whether or not Kirk was there. He might have seen something and been able to bring the real murderer to justice. Kirk obviously hadn’t seen anything that would help Kiran, or he presumably would have said something. So here was the situation where his mother was dead, the wrong person blamed and himself in disgrace for both helping Kiran to avoid unjust punishment and helping the other hobbits coming to Kiran’s defense escape an attack by his father’s people.

 

His face suddenly felt hot. His eyes stung. Gritting his teeth, the young prince picked up the open water skin beside him and stood, looking wildly for a place where he could be out of sight of the other refugees. His dark eyes fell upon a rocky protrusion from the ground near the edge of the cave, rising above the others. It would be cramped, but it would do. Folco began to carefully wind and weave between the others. Once safely out of sight, the teenager slid down the stalagmite to the ground, dropping his water skin next to him. His knees struck the rough stone wall, but Folco ignored it. He reached for his water. To his horror, Folco saw the cap had come off, spilling the contents. He pummeled his fist into the ground in frustration. Now he didn’t even have anything to drink! Just what he needed, on top of everything else!

 

One by one, the horrors of the past week and a half crashed over the youth. His mother, Queen Arabella, proposing a toast and drinking from her glass after saluting the life and health of all in the room. Ironic, Folco thought, how the concepts of life and good health were nearly her last words. His father accusing Kiran, Cancalia’s envoy, after exchanging words Folco could not hear with his advisor Jarmir Esteel. His father ordering an attack on those coming to Kiran’s defense, the act that spurred Folco into sending Lindo to his room to get travel necessities while he went to tell the guards outside, who remained unaware anything was wrong, that his father had said to allow anyone leaving early out. At least, after Lindo had offered his support when Folco told him what he was thinking of doing, expressed his intentions to join him in seeing to the safety of the others, and said goodbye to his family.

 

Folco wished his closest friend were nearby so he might talk about the crushing burden of guilt weighing him down. However, Lindo was with Kiran and three other Dremeadow refugees were somewhere between the wilderness of southwestern Baur and Kiran’s home city of Northchester in Cancalia. He only hoped Kiran would be able to find them. Folco had left four behind in the clearing where they’d spent the past few nights in case the delegation, changing out the designated four every hour or two, but what if Kiran’s group got lost?

 

Leaning against the wall of the cave, the young hobbit fell into an uneasy slumber.

Author's Note

This isn't complete yet, but please let me know what you think so far. love it? Hate it? Why? Please give constructive criticism!

12/3/14: Several have pointed out that the flashback scene could be done better and i'm working on converting it into a different format to reveal things there, possibly as a conversation between Folco and Lindo. Let me know what you think please.

12/5 Flashback removed for the nonce, now deciding whether to incorporate it into one of the upcoming chapters or making it its own entity although presented differently

Reviews

[C. Rose]

You use dubiously and indubitably in close proximity.

If one person says some dialogue. And then a different person does an action, it helps to put the second person's action in a new paragraph. I ought to find a name for that rule. Do you know what I'm talking about?

"No need to crack your head open about it" LOL
"let sleeping hobbits lie" LOL

It is January 6th and he missed January 8th? Do you use an inverted calender or is that a typo?

Xenia had one, should be Xenia had won, I believe.

Nice last line.

Based on the dialogue you clearly know your characters well.

Good job explaining Kiran's abilities, and keeping it natural. (It didn't feel forced).

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Whaaaaat, how did I not already reply to this? Thanks so much for the head's up about the typos about Xenia and the date too!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

*heads And that is why I ought never to write at midnight o.O

[Nonnye]

HI, I've only read the down to the flash back. You have set the stage now bring your readers into the scenes. Telling what he did, what had happened, how he felt is a good foundation to set the story but now make it happen. What if you were to take the reader into Folco's mind and body instead of the narrator's. (I'm going to take a liberty here, please don't take offense. I want to give an example not impose on your work)
Folco rested against the stone wall of the cave. He watched his fellow refugees . . . the oder of unwashed bodies mixed with the dank of the moldy cave... I want to be right there with Folco, the narrator is only the means to place me there. The narrator has no experience of this cave. The narrator does not feel the discomfort, the fear, uncertainty, doesn't smell the dirty bodies. Only Folco has that.
The show vs tell phase that we are recommended to use is great, but it has been used without given us a good understanding of what it means. A writer can write one scene 6 different ways and evoke 6 different feelings from the audience. What are you wanting to do to your audience? Do you want to tell them a story? or do you want them to be a participant in the lives of the characters and events you have created? How much do you want them to feel, hear, see, smell? As a reader I want to feel the ick of a moldy cave stuffed with unhappy smelly people. I want to feel Folco's worry.
Your story is interesting, by that you have, so far as I can tell, removed the predictability, your have created a complicated group of people who are more that 2 denominational. By the way you have used your words, I know that there is a cave with people (hobbits) hiding in it. Me, as a reader I wants you to pull me into it so that when your people are bleeding I'm hurting for them.
Thanks again for posting this.
Nonnye

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

This was actually a very helpful review, especially about how to word it to show just how to do it. They liberty you took was extremely appreciated in how to take it to the next level (=

[Nonnye]

I'm glad it was helpful. It is always nerve-wrecking to "touch" someone else's work.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

You've definitely given me some revision ideas! Might give heads up after I do some. What'd you think of the flashback?

[Nonnye]

Haven't read that part yet. Will do so soon. Thanks

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

My favorite peice of advice I can give it re-write the sentences that have the word "was" "is" and "that" it will really help with the flow. I didnt see anything else that needed fixing other than that :)

Taylor Mccutcheon

Please vote for my story on Tallange.com Http://www.tallenge.com/vote/vote0.aspx?vid=732fce9d-881e-4a61-9f91-7061bda4c8d0

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks for the suggestion, I shall definitely have to keep this advice at the back of my head as I do more thorough revising!

[Jennie Baron]

I think this chapter has benefited from the advice you received, and I personally don't see anything wrong with your exposition of events and characters, at least after the revisions. Very nice, and still entertaining.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks for the review! [= I'm sure more revisions will come, as I definitely like taking my reviewer's advice especially if I notice more than one reviewer noticing the same thing. [=

[A. Amos]

I agree with Hatter review on this one...

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

So lose the flashback? And thanks for reviewing! (=

[A. Amos]

I like the tale however felt you're rushing things, my advise make a simple start with less characters; let your reader sense who is who and then keep adding more. Thank you

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Gotcha. So basically, I've got too little exposition where others might have too much?

[A. Amos]

Yes my friend

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Gotcha. I do have an idea of things from before the feast gone wrong but thought they might seem boring so chose to keep them out. I'll try for inserting a chapter before chapter one and maybe another one between here ad when Kiran's already in Cancalia

[Roo]

Yes, I think you should have had a chapter between the two, because the thoughts of Kiran, constable and Paladin(a lot of names for one character) don't paint the picture well enough. It would give you an opportunity to offer us some dramatic action. You might also be able to plant a reasoning behind why frodo, no sorry Folco's, reason for going back. Did I tell you I don't think it's right to take the Hobbits out of Middle Earth. I can be a bore at times.
I think the problem with this chapter is nothing happens. A missing hobbit isn't enough. I don't care enough about the hobbit to wonder where or why he has wandered off.
Easy chapter to read though. Still got some curious sentences going on. But it reads well enough.
Roo

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Hey, thanks for your review! I've definitely got some ideas on what to put in the chapter between the two. I do have some ideas on what would go in the chapter in between- including an explanation on who exactly Kiran is and some of his abilities. It'd also likely be a Folco-centered chapter- you actually did hit one of my concerns about the drama of a missing person. I wondered whether I needed for the reader to know him better.

As for the name hobbit, it's actually a sort of placeholder until I finally figure out the perfect name for a race that, while similar in several ways (like being smaller, the curly hair and eating more because smaller mammals tend to eat more often than big ones), has a fair few differences as well.

Might be telling too much, though, time for me to get writing and start showing! [=

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Aaaaand this chapter is now a chapter in between, and I am contemplating whether to add another one (set near the end of their journey to Cancalia) to showcase more hardships and the like encountered. I've also made an attempt to give more information on what exactly Kiran is.

[Hatter57]

Cher,

I think the flashback structure to this chapter is the greatest weakness displayed. In just the first few paragraphs, I can see such great potential and hints of a detailed background for this world you've created. But rather than letting the reader travel with Kiran and take in the sights and sounds of his arrival in the kingdom and learn about it through his interactions with the people, you have presented what amounts to a summary of action and events that could easily take several chapters to present if they were allowed their rightful span upon the page. I may be in the minority here, but to me, half the pleasure of reading is experiencing the discovery of little details as the story unfolds and piecing them together in my head alongside the protagonist(s). My advice would be to convert this to a standard timeline with more detail and use flashbacks sparingly. The incident where Folco accepts the offer of relief from his kitchen duties would fit in as a flashback very well AFTER the queen dies and Kiran re-examines the incident and sees the potential significance it lacked before the unfortunate incident at the banquet.
Also, don't be afraid to spend some time showing a growing relationship between Folco and Kiran before the banquet (if such is intended). Otherwise, it seems too unlikely that Folco would reveal the existence of his dead sister, a closely held family secret, to someone he had only recently encountered in an official capacity. He would be far more inclined to simply hide behind a pointed silence, and Kiran would be denied crucial information. Of course, he might not need that information until much later in the story, depending on how you see that element playing out. Maybe it's a revelation best held in reserve a bit longer, so as to increase its dramatic effect.

I hope this is helpful to you; it is offered in a spirit of encouragement because the premise looks promising. If you'd like to get in a few licks of your own, please feel free to take a look at the posting(s) for my own writing and I'll be happy to take your advice into consideration. :) I believe The Wonderland Effect can only get better as a result of honest reactions.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much for your ideas, feedback and suggestions., I've actually been contemplating converting this chapter into a prologue and revealing things such as the conversation where Folco was diverted from the kitchens and the carefully-concealed existence of Xenia (who is actually the protagonist of my book Traitor Princess) at a later point. [= So strong a consideration, in fact, that I'm tempoerarily posting the prologue as a stand-alone short story (for lack of a better term and to give readers something to compare if they wish) here: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/speedyhobbit/1285940/

I will certainly check out Wonderland Effect ASAP! Putting it on my reading list now.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I've definitely made a bunch of tweaks since last you reviewed! I cut a lot of the flashbacks back and turned the banquet gone wrong into the first chapter of the story. I've also got Folco himself reflecting upon his acceptance of relief from kitchen duties and regretting it, though he also thinks the main problem with it is that he might have seen something. He's also keeping his regrets to himself rather than discussing them with his friends (silly lad, haha). I'm also redoing the Xenia thing a bit, though I may make more tweaks. Your review actually did play a large factor in my revisions thus far [=

[FlatLineBeauty]

This was an interesting chapter and one I will be reading again when i have more time to give a better insight. xo Winter

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Excellent, thanks so much!

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

"Then" instead of "hen" in the third paragraph, seventh sentence. My favorite part is the description you use in the scene where Queen Arabella is taken ill. Terrific use of diction and really evocative description. This section really shows your skill for showing all the sides in a situation in your writing. It is brilliant showing and not telling. At other times I feel you become slightly too convoluted in some details, and this is a gentle criticism, because you are telling a story with complex parts. I want you to try to expand and focus more on all the short complex parts the way you did with this scene about the poisoning of the queen. That part is really top notch, in my humble opinion, and it really shows what you can do!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks for the review, especially calling the typos spellcheck missed! I will certainly have to do it. By complicated parts, do you mean the dramatic ones like where something bad happens to a character?

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I just mean that there are complicated parts where several things are happening at once and maybe more passive sentences separating out the active ones might help.

[Richard C. Charlson]

I enjoyed the flashbacks, and the way you were able to tie them into the story. It works very well with your style of writing, very intriguing story you have created, I will be reading more.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you for reviewing! There may be more!