Conditional Love: An Overachiever's Lament

A freeverse attempt at conveying the burden of one expected to be constantly perfect, trying to please someone for whom the best is not enough.

My life is not my own.

I'm only loved under one condition:
That I'm no less than the perfect girl.

My grades had to be high,
higher than all the rest,
 Bs were never okay.

I cannot make mistakes,
for mistakes are treason,
no slipping allowed,
and falling the unforgivable sin.

I'm just a shiny trophy,
Golden child of the sun
I have to be the smartest
And something to brag about,
And above all, most obedient

You forge a path and say I must follow
Dissension is not an option.
Nothing is ever your fault,
especially when it is.
You love me only when I succeed,
I'm unworthy of existence if I fail.

Stop living vicariously through me!
Let me decide my own way!
I'm not your bragging rights.
Your misjudgments are not my fault,
Stop deeming mistakes unpardonable.
And get over the fact that
I'll never be idealized you, just me.

Author's Note

This is not one of my better poems... I'm currently in a state where I cannot begin to find the words to explain the grief I feel about having family who cares more about appearance and their self-interest and using me as their trophy than my happiness or safety.

Reviews

You are off to a good start... and in time as the healing begins.. the words you search for will find your heart and guide your hand....

[The Representative]

As far as quality goes, that's nothing to feel undermined by Cher: it takes intelligence to write such as that.


Shall I tell you, what I've made into a recent habit: visiting daily my local woodland.



Cher, each day now, around late afternoon/ early evening (because in spring that's when the sun's at it's most beautiful) I go to a woodland area, that's local to where I live for now.


I've actually now, made into a habit to go to my local woodland area, and in a centre spot of an open field which is there stand in front of the sun, when it's most radiant.



The reason why I do this? Because I'm a cyclical being, exactly like you and every other person on the planet, whose part of a mere repetitive reality, built to just endlessly and endlessly repeat in the exact same manner.



We're part of a cyclical reality; that's why we behave cyclically, doing the same thing over and over.


It's being aware of this that's the key.







There's so much more I could describe; I'll just finish in saying that this is what's driven me to write The Representative the way I have - a definitive parable. A definitive political text.


A definitive weapon of mass destruction.

[Tai Ryens]

I empathize with your grief, 'tis heart-shattering that some parents care more about egos and appearances than they do their children's aspirations. And the worst part is, at least for me, that everybody tells you that there's absolutely nothing wrong with your life and that you have no reason to feel such grief. My take is that family should be judged as friends are judged, shouldn't have a free pass at emotional abuse and manipulation just because you so happened to be created out of either a mishap or an intentional action. You should never be obliged to adhere to your family's wishes if they conflict with yours drastically.
Well done.

[Chloe_Spence]

I love this- so honest and it just expresses emotions which I'm sure many can relate to :)
Keep writing :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i really do like this...and it really makes me angry when parents who were not successful in academics or sports expect to live vicariously through the success of their children.

Expectations seem to be the downfall of relationships...in love relationships as well...but parents need to love their children for who they are---unconditionally...expectations are so hard to live up to...and usually we hold high enough ones for ourselves...and we are our hardest critics.

i do like this..."i am not your bragging rights"--so true.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Yeah, I'm frustrated because I was very successful when I was younger and my mom expected me to become national teacher of the year or something by now, not to be stuck home with her (as though I even want to be here) after finishing college doing jobs I could have done in high school. I was salutatorian and an athletic record holder, then summa cum laude in college (and still an athlete, I have club team records) and an officer of several clubs and very successful in grad school- but now my life is worth nothing and it kills me enough inside without her being judgmental because her trophy kid has become scratched and stored away in a dark closet.

I truly appreciate your review and your empathy.

[Raymond Federle]

The hardest thing for some people to do is to break from the constrictions of family. there comes a point in your life where one simply has to say "Your my family and I love you all...but kiss my a*s." Thankfully I got to that point at an early age and I've been better for it since.....so has my family but they would never admit it. Now my children are my family and the focus of my family love is there. Maybe not your best poem but still brilliant! :)

[Rachelle]

Are we relatives or do we have the same relatives? Unfortunately, in mine, everyone has to be number 1. It is a perennial competition not just among siblings but among cousins. From day 1 till even death (Yes, even funerals are competitions.)
Sometimes, we just have to step back and spend a day or two without them… and more importantly, learn to laugh at them and ourselves…..

[Jennie Baron]

I think you explain it quite well. Quite a burden of grief to work through. Writing about it might even be cathartic. Also, an interesting and original topic to write about. I agree about the last sentence...maybe one way to make it more powerful would be to use more active language? Something like, I know I will never meet the ideal you've set for me, etc...Maybe less passivity is empowering?

[BlackRose]

I like it. But to me it could be more strengthened or a have a bit more power or oomph to it in spots, but nonetheless a great piece. The last sentence, I'll never be idealized you, just me, I get it but I don't. I get what you probably how you wanted to say it there but it's not worded or read right for me to completely understand. You could say instead, I know I shall never be idealized by you the way you want, but I'm happy being just me.