I am so lonley

I cannot get over you.

My friends always ask who I like. I tell them nobody. That's only part true. The truth is I do like someone, but she is long gone.

I'm 17 years old and I have never been in a relationship. In middle school I would tell my friends that I was in a relationship with a girl. It was all a lie. I was scared. This went on for a couple years until I realized it was wrong and I stopped. But to this day I have told nobody that I was lying, I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. I love my friends and in all honesty they would try and help me get a girlfriend. But I don't want their help, It would feel wrong.

I thought I would be alone forever. But freshman year I met you. Your name was Jesse. The first thing I noticed about you was your eyes. Blue beyond belief. You had long blonde hair. Freckles kissed your cheeks, and you had these dimples when you smiled. For the life of me I can't remember how you and I became friends but it happened. We would have conversations on the phone for hours and stay up way too late texting each other and I was really in love with you.

We were walking to the store to buy some lunch one day. We were talking about love, and happiness. You suddenly fell silent. Without even looking over to me, you told me that you had feelings for me. I should have been ecstatic. This was the first time that a girl that I liked shared those feelings and I responded the only way I knew how to. I rejected you. I pushed you away because it was all I knew. After that we stopped talking, and I was giving myself hell for not having the guts to tell you how I felt. We started drifting apart and I didn't have the courage to pull you back.

Sophomore year we hardly talked at all, and the conversations we did have were brief. But one day you messaged me on Facebook. You told me you had been expelled. To this day I'm still in the dark as to what you did to get expelled. You said you were being home schooled for the rest of the school year and when the year was over you were moving to another school district. When I found out you had been expelled we started talking more. The last weeks of the school year were approaching and we had made plans to meet up and hang out again. Every time we tried to meet up something went wrong. Weather, your parents, my parents, previous plans. By the time things cleared up you were already packed and moving. You were moving to my previous school district. To the High school I would have gone to had I not moved. I was devastated. I wasn't able to see you before you left, and now it was too late.

Only after you left was I able to tell you how I felt. It didn't matter though because you were already in a relationship. You were dating my best friend from my elementary school years. I wasn't allowed to be angry because it was my fault for not telling you sooner. I wasn't allowed to be jealous because I had my opportunity and I chose to not date you. I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe if I had dated you maybe you would still be here, but its too late. 

Now I'm two years too late. Unable to fall back in love because for some goddamn reason I'm still in love with you. Why can't I just forget you. I met a really nice girl. But I can't give her my heart because you still have it, you just don't know it. You deserve to be happy, you really do, but I'm just so angry at the fact I cant stop loving you. In my head I'm over you, I want somebody else. But I haven't been able to love anybody like I loved you.

I lay in my room at ungodly hours of the morning, with this crippling feeling of loneliness. Just wanting somebody to sleep next to. But its not you that I want, It's the new girl. She deserves all of my love, but for some reason its still with you. Its unmanly to feel this way. To lay in bed and wish for someone just to be there. Not even to have sex with. Just to have their company.

Its been two f*****g years. Two years of agonizing loneliness. I'm so angry at you for having this grip on my heart that you don't even know about.I beg of you. Please let go. Please.

Author's Note

This is the edited version. In my opinion, much better than the last. I would love to hear feedback on what I could do better on!
( I listened to all of the In Utero, OK Computer, and Boys Don't Cry albums writing this. I don't know why it took so long)