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tonight we flee

tonight we flee

A Poem by Schadenfreude

6 - 13 - 12

There is a cracking of his knuckles, and she wonders.
          ----  do you know the map of my body,

                 the way my scars move with my dancing  -----
she asks, and he slithers against her form.
          -----  there is no place

                 i have not surrendered to our clasped hands

                 our faked remembrance

                 and the mattress of our race to hell  -----
His voice is a whisper like coffee through her veins.

© 2012 Schadenfreude

Author's Note

Thank you for reading C:

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I like how you spaced the words out, it made it feel more dramatic. Once again, really good; I liked it.

Posted 8 Years Ago

The words are constructed so that each space creates anticipation. The epitome of lust. A great read.

Posted 8 Years Ago

A very good use of words. I like the vision create by strong desire and emotion. No weakness in this amazing poem.

Posted 8 Years Ago

impeccable and strong voice

Posted 8 Years Ago

really beautiful imagery in this piece and attention to detail like the knuckles cracking, slithering of body, scars and that whisper. also the premise of the mattress was very authentic and takes the reader to that moment where it all happened. the coffee as an addictive substance was a great touch. I love the symbolism and the tenderness in your voice. hope to read more from you soon.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Very, very good. :) I love the way you've presented it.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Hi, just a little suggestion if you don't mind :)
- "There is cracking in his knuckles" (There is a cracking of his knuckles, )/ "His voice, a whisper... like coffee through her veins."(you can do without the "is", that way you personify "his voice", to make it more vivid and as if his voice is a persona/ entity, having certain characteristics. Nonetheless, the metaphorical tools used and the way you encapsulate the passion between the lovers was beautifully drawn in your canvas of thoughts :)

Posted 8 Years Ago

hmm... I can say with pleasure that this is the first poem I have read like this, and I like it. good job with the word play, the breaks in the poetry are interesting, makes me want to try it out. I'm super impressed at how much you managed to say with the limited number of words you used. :) AWESOME

Posted 8 Years Ago

"our faked remembrance" and "the mattress of our race to hell"
makes you think...Forbidden love?

Posted 8 Years Ago

I think that the extended line breaks are interesting. I always read stuff slowly and chew it anyway. But the wordplay is fun. It's kind of like "no more, no less."

Posted 8 Years Ago

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12 Reviews
Added on June 15, 2012
Last Updated on June 15, 2012



dirty rotten south, LA

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