Hard Heart

I lay my head upon my pillow this night,
my heart continues to grieve,
my thoughts become consuming.
Confusion, anger, and uncertainty
are all that exists in me.
Wars within my very being abound.
My soul is heavy and burdened.
My heart aches in my chest.
Nothing seems real,
as if a dream has taken over my life.
It's been too long. Way too long.
There is an abundance of hurt
that has smothered me.
Life, a happy one,
is nothing more than a distant memory.
My body shudders with sorrow.
Where is the sunshine?
Will it not peek it's rays through my window
and awaken me from the dream?
Will it not relieve me of the adversity
that lies within?
Will it not melt away the scars
that have now taken over the softness of my heart?
I wait.
Time ticks and I wait.
As the clock passes the minutes of life,
the walls are strengthened
and built all around my heart.
Though the walls have been under construction for many a day,
they are taking on a more powerful form.
Providing protection like never before.
Or so I thought.
Yet how?
How is there a weak seam or a loose brick
that can allow a way in?
There should be no way in.
I don't know, I don't understand.
Everything has been painstakingly
calloused over layer by layer by layer.
Somehow, someway.
So again, I wait.
I wait for the next attack.
It will soon be upon me.
Calloused layers are inevitable.
It is what I have to look forward to.
Just wait on guard and be ready to be struck again.
It will come, I know, it will come.
Just harden and continue.
It will get easier,
as the heart turns to stone.
Then nothing will burst through it.
All will be numb.