The Storm

A simple boat trip in the Gulf of Mexico turns perilous when a storm arises.

I stood at the railing of the boat, the salty wind whipping my curly, blonde hair around my face. I pushed my long locks behind my ears and stared into the choppy water. The bright sunlight reflecting off the surface of the ocean made me glad that I had remembered to bring sunglasses. The sounds of the water sloshing against the sides of the boat and the gulls screaming overhead were oddly calming, but the strong wind was throwing me off. Normally, such a wind meant that a storm was close, but only a few cirrus clouds curled above, turned shades of red, pink, orange, and yellow by the setting sun. I didn’t see any other clouds for miles around. 

I was startled out of my thoughts by a gentle hand on my shoulder and turned to face the boy who had come to stand beside me. His dark, curly hair stuck up in every direction, and a goofy grin stretched across his round face.

“Hi, Gina,” he said.

“Hey, Henry,” I replied. “What’s up?”

He leaned against the railing next to me. “Can you believe there’s only one day left in this trip?”

I shook my head. “The last four days went so quickly. I’ve been having so much fun, the time has just flown by. But to be honest, I’m ready to leave the Gulf of Mexico and go back to good ole Pennsylvania.”

A group of kids from the church that I attended had decided to take a trip on a boat around the Gulf of Mexico and had rented a fairly small boat. It had enough rooms for the eight youths, whose ages ranged from twelve to seventeen years, and the four adults to cram into, a small kitchen, and a bathroom. There wasn’t really that much to do, except for the games we had brought along, swimming alongside the boat, and fishing; nevertheless, I was having a lot of fun. I just enjoyed being near two of my closest friends, Emma and Henry.

Henry laughed. “Yeah, I miss solid ground.”

“I just hope I’ll at least get a slight tan after this trip,” I joked.

He laughed again.

I looked back at the agitated water below. “Do you think it’s going to storm?” I asked.

Henry frowned and glanced at the sky. “I dunno. Why do you ask?”

“I just have a bad feeling about that wind.” 
I shivered as another strong gust blew against my face.

He shrugged. “Maybe. But there’s always wind at sea, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Okay?” He patted my shoulder again before turning and heading down below the deck.

I took one more uneasy look at the sky before following him down the steps.


I was awoken in the middle of the night when the boat pitched violently to one side and sent me tumbling out of my bunk. I heard several other thuds as some of the other kids tumbled to the floor as well. I quickly tugged a pair of jeans, a pair of sneakers, and a sweatshirt over my pajamas, and stumbled up the slippery steps, onto the deck. As soon as I opened the door, I was blasted by a faceful of rain. A few of the boys were frantically running around, trying to stabilize the boat, as violent waves crashed over the sides. A streak of lightning split the sky overhead, followed by a thunderclap louder than a cannon. Several more bleary-eyed teenagers staggered up the stairs behind me, and we quickly got to work trying to stabilize the boat and save things that had been left on the tables the day before. 

I could barely see two feet in front of me; my vision was obstructed by both the torrential rain, and the pitch black night. The dark clouds that had blotted out the light from the moon were only lit briefly now and then when a flash of lightning jumped from cloud to cloud above us. 

After much scrambling around the deck, everything was finally dragged inside and stowed safely in the rooms below. 
I was pushing against the wind, working my way to the stairs, when suddenly, a massive wave crashed over the boat and threw me to the side, sending me tumbling off of the boat into empty space! I tried to scream, but the sound was ripped from my lips and carried away by the ferocious wind. My head hit the side of the boat and everything went dark.

Author's Note

I'm considering making this just a longer story or a short book. Good idea or no?

Reviews

[angel]

Yes, it's a very good idea, but you need to edit more carefully. There were quite a few errors in grammar and punctuation. I did some work on your piece, and here is the revised version:

I stood at the railing of the boat, the salty wind whipping my curly, blonde hair around my face. I pushed my long locks behind my ears, and stared into the choppy water. The bright sunlight reflecting off of the surface of the ocean made me glad that I had remembered to bring sunglasses. The sounds of the water sloshing against the sides of the boat and the gulls screaming overhead were oddly calming, but the strong wind was throwing me off.
Normally, such a wind meant that a storm was close. A few cirrus clouds curled above, turned shades of red, pink, orange, and yellow by the setting sun. But o I didn’t see any other clouds for miles around.

I was startled out of my thoughts by a gentle hand on my shoulder, and turned to face the boy who had come to stand beside me. His dark, curly hair stuck up in every direction, and a goofy grin stretched across his round face.

“Hi, Gina,” he said.

“Hey, Henry,” I replied. “What’s up?”

He leaned against the railing next to me. “Can you believe there’s only one day left in this trip?”

I shook my head. “The last four days went so quickly. I’ve been having so much fun, the time has just flown by. But to be honest, I’m ready to leave the Gulf of Mexico and go back to good ole Pennsylvania.”

A group of kids from the church that I attended had decided to take a trip on a boat around the Gulf of Mexico, and had rented a fairly small boat. It had enough rooms for the eight youths, whose ages ranged from twelve to seventeen years, and the four adults to cram into, a small kitchen, and a bathroom. There wasn’t really that much to do, except for the games we had brought along, swimming alongside the boat, and fishing; nevertheless, I was having a lot of fun. I just enjoyed being near two of my closest friends, Emma and Henry.

Henry laughed. “Yeah, I miss solid ground.”

“I just hope I’ll at least get a slight tan after this trip,” I joked.

He laughed again.

I looked back at the agitated water below. “Do you think it’s going to storm?” I asked.

Henry frowned and glanced at the sky. “I dunno. Why do you ask?”

“I just have a bad feeling about that wind.”
I shivered as another strong gust blew against my face.

He shrugged. “Maybe. But there’s always wind at sea, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Okay?” He patted my shoulder again before turning and heading down below the deck.

I took one more uneasy look at the sky, and followed him down the steps.


I was awoken in the middle of the night, when the boat pitched violently to one side and sent me tumbling out of my bunk. I heard several other thuds as some of the other kids tumbled to the floor as well. I quickly tugged a pair of jeans, a pair of sneakers, and a sweatshirt over my pajamas, and stumbled up the slippery steps, onto the deck. As soon as I opened the door, I was blasted by a faceful of rain. A few of the boys were frantically running around, trying to stabilize the boat, as violent waves crashed over the sides. A streak of lightning split the sky overhead, followed by a thunderclap louder than a cannon. Several more bleary-eyed teenagers staggered up the stairs behind me, and we quickly got to work trying to stabilize the boat and save things that had been left on the tables the day before.

I could barely see two feet in front of me; my vision was obstructed by both the torrential rain, and the pitch black night. The dark clouds that had blotted out the light from the moon were only lit briefly now and then, when a flash of lightning jumped from cloud to cloud above us.

After much scrambling around the deck, everything was finally dragged inside, and stowed safely in the rooms below.
I was pushing against the wind, working my way to the stairs, when suddenly, a massive wave crashed over the boat and threw me to the side, sending me tumbling off of the boat into empty space! I tried to scream, but the sound was ripped from my lips and carried away by the ferocious wind. My head hit the side of the boat and everything went dark

Read the edited version alongside the original, and I think you will agree that the piece reads better.
Correct grammar and punctuation is vital, if you want to be read.
By this point in your story, everyone will want to know what happens to your protagonist, so, by all means, do continue! Tell us what happens next--and introduce us to Emma! You mentioned her, but we never 'met' her, so far!

[Talia M.]

Thank you for your feedback! I do agree that the advised version does sound better, so I will update it. And I do believe I'll continue the story. There's so many directions I could take it!

[Matt B]

Really liked the journey, think this could be a longer story as lots of scope from what you have read!!

[Conjurer]

Hi Talia!
It sounds interesting. A bit hard to say at the moment, because I'm wondering in which direction is it going. But a girl falling off a boat? I'm definitely curious about where she's going to wake up.
I'd suggest to bring in the storm issue earlier; the comment on the wind in the first paragraph didn't raise my alarms, so I was waiting for something to happen until the MC and her friend started talking about the storm.
About whether to make it a longer story or a short book, I think you should just write the story you have in mind and see how it goes :)
Good luck.