...just me thinking

...my girlfriend said she needed to find a doctor...I told her I knew of a good place to look...the hospital...they like to hang out there...drink coffee...park their cars....when she goes to bed it has to be real dark....a dangerous dark...like run into s**t & feel the pain of the dark...but this s**t is pitch black....I liked it ...so I went to Benjamin moore's to get some....but they did not have any pitch black...they didn't even have any god damn it's dark...they said it was not a color....but I said I knew that it was ..I could not taste it & i could not smell it or hear it or feel it...so it had to be a color....ended up buying..... 
     so i am in bed with my girl & it's morning so I ask her if she wants anything & she says coffee & she wants to stay in bed...& to me that means she wants to have sex so I jump out of bed put my robe on open like the cape of some kind of unemployed superhero & go & get the coffee.....then we had some toast in bed & there were crumbs everywhere...but only on my side..I said where did your crumbs go & she just smiled... I had a theory...they went the same place all the left socks go from the dryer... so  I started wearing tube socks...so you couldn't tell but my feet knew the difference....everything pulled to the right ....you know how they have warning labels on cigarettes now...they should say "will cause you to die" so I started thinking they should put warning labels on food packages...may cause a mess...I know mine do 
  so I was stoned the other day watching Transformers & I got the munchies...so I went to the fridge it is one of these new smart fridges & it said "I AM THE RE-FRIG-ER-A-TOR"...scared the s**t right out of me.. my fridge was a transformer & it turned into a microwave....so I made pop-corn that exploded with buttery goodness ...everywhere ...that stirred the cannibal in me ...so I ate it 
I haddent had sex in so long I couldn't even put mayonnaise on a ham sandwich...had to eat it dry...& it would get stuck in my throat... 
    when I was a kid I did not know there was another word for rabbits...my mother would say...come here son their is a hair in the yard...& I am thinking ...so...& how can you see that...then I started thinking of these little wig shaped creatures running around in the yard...I looked & said all I see is some rabbits... & she said exactly...I was so confused 
    so my grandmother is a hoarder....ever since I was a little kid she saved my belly button lint....she is knitting a sweater...it's about this big [ holds fingers about two inches apart]..... 
one day I was walking down the street & saw this chalk outline of a body...so I colored it in....step on a crack...break your mothers back..I got so paranoid I would only walk in the grass...really didn't want a Quasimodo mom...I just couldn't live in a bell tower.... 
so I have this little dog....& one day we decided to open a doggie day care ...played games like blind dogs bluff...guess who's a*s you are smelling & who can bury the bone the fastest...then after about an hour he farted...gave me this look...like I did it.... & he was ashamed of me....& I am defending myself to a room full of dogs...& I remember...dogs don't understand english 
  When I was a kid we were so poor all we had to snack on was paint chips from the window sill....we would dip them in ketchup for flavor...it put lead in our pencil...instead of graphite....what is graphite anyway....sounds like .... 
I remember this one time...no wait...that hasn't happened...yet....one time I had a dream...that all the shadows came out into the light....I couldn't see what took their place....but it felt scary.....then I went bowling with penguins.....didn't do so well...the front one kept moving ....& they are very difficult to knock over...one day my girlfriend started touching me in public....not in a sexual way....more of a get out of my...life...way...I thought it was because I was a cereal ...killer....I could eat six...maybe seven bowls .....cept for rice crispies...because by the time they got done talking to me i was late...for my nap....one day I bought a fancy clock...it had an arm that counted nano-seconds...went so fast you could not see it...some people call it a fan...but I can tell what time it is...