Escape Route

Free Write #3:

She looked in the mirror and wondered how it had come to this. She’d only known him a few weeks. She didn’t know his favorite food or his parent’s names. She didn’t know if he had any pets or if he was allergic to anything. But, she knew that his eyes were a striking blue; and, she knew, when he looked at her with them he could make her freeze and melt all at once. She could pick his voice out of any crowd; and she knew his favorite song. She knew that he played guitar and that he knew how to laugh. She knew only trivial things; but, they seemed so important to her.

She was falling fast, fast, fast. The world she knew so well was slipping away and being replaced by words and phrases that he had spoken. Sounds and sights she cherished paled in comparison to the sound of his voice and the sight of his face. She could miss him after less than a day without contact. She thought about him daily, dreamed about him regularly, and craved him constantly. 

She smiled so often, now. The utterance of his name could send her to another world and she’d bow her head to hide her widespread grin and coloring cheeks. She’d never known herself to blush before. The feelings she felt towards this boy were foreign to her. The warm feeling at the depths of her belly. The stars that took residence in her eyes. Happiness became her default emotion. When she was relaxed, feeling seemingly nothing at all, those who knew her best could see the slight curve at the edge of her lips. Among other things a sense of peace, of serenity, and most definitely of love, flooded her features.

She thought back to the last she’d been this happy. The memories swamped her mind and she smiled again; however, this smile refused to linger. This smile faded just as quickly as it had come. With the blissful memories came the sad ones. Her minds eye watched as a girl high on happiness was torn down by disappointment and grief. She watched her heart being broken and crushed, demolished under his shoes as he walked away. 

She tore herself away from the mirror, hating herself for letting it get this far, hating herself for not wanting to turn back and flee. She had trusted him with her heart and he hadn’t failed her. Yet. She was forced to realize that the fact that she wasn’t already broken hearted was because she’d put it into his care secretly. He had no idea that he was holding it in his hands. This, no matter how amazing it made her feel, was bound to end. She’d seen before how sadness followed closely at the heels of joyfulness and triumph. She could never have him. Never Ever Ever.

Every action as an equal and opposite reaction, she thought. She tried to imagine him hurting her. She struggled to picture him holding her heart one moment and then chucking it to the ground with so much force that it shattered. She couldn’t. Instead, she saw him cradling it; hardly touching it for fear that his strength would damage it. If she let him take her any higher she would only fall harder and longer when he pushed her off the cliff he was leading her to. 

She looked back in the mirror, her eyes now tinted with fear and glazed with tears. Her mind was soiled with grin thoughts. When? She questioned herself. When will I get hurt? She shook her head, trying and failing to dismiss the thought. It might not happen, ever, she added. The words were empty and unconvincing. As it stood, he was unattainable. She could never have him. She had to leave before that changed.