Heaven or Something

Brian visits heaven

Standing at the gates of Heaven, Brian thought he was merely unconscious and dreaming. That car didn't hit him hard enough to kill him. He was too young to have died. Besides, he didn’t remember anything about dying. There was no blackness, no tunnel and most of all, not light at the end of the tunnel. He barely remembered being hit. It was just a little bump. Just a 'screech, bang, and a jolt.' One moment he was looking down the street and seeing another car on his left veer toward him, the next he was standing here. That's all he remembered. There should have been something between. He had to be dreaming this.

This was like being in a cartoon. St. Peter, or someone he thought was supposed to be St. Peter, was sitting at a desk in front of the gate. There were large fluffy clouds all around. There was a large sign on the gate that said, HEAVEN, and St. Peter was holding a quill pen and St. Peter was looking at a large open book on the desk. Brian was waiting for St. Peter to say something funny or at least to start the joke.

“Can I help you?” St. Peter said.

“Yes, I’d like a room for the night.”

“Just for the night? Most people stay much longer."

“Is there a special price if I stay longer?”

“Oh, you’ve already paid the price. You can stay as long as you want.”

“Do you offer a Continental Breakfast?”

“You can have any kind of breakfast you want.”

“Is there an extra charge?”

“As I said, you’ve already paid.”

“When did I do that?”

“Before you came here, that will be just one night then?”

“What about dinner? Is that included?”

“Everything’s included.”

“Do you have a pool?”

St. Peter nodded his head, but looked like he was getting frustrated.

“How about a sauna?”

“Yes, a sauna, a golf course, a bowling alley, tennis courts, basketball courts, a football field, baseball field, card tables…”

“Slot machines?”

“Yes, and poker, roulette, baccarat… “

“Really?”

“But no cheating.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that.”

“I know you wouldn’t. So, that will be for one night.”

“Can I go back and get some money?”

“You don’t need any money.”

“Even for the gambling?”

“Yes, you will always win, no matter what you play, no matter who you’re playing. You will never be unhappy. Just about everything you want is here and you can use and have anything here for free.”

“Okay, you talked me into it.”

“Then you’ll be staying forever?”

“Oh no, just two weeks. I only get a two-week vacation.”

That’s when Brian woke up, because he knew he’d already used all his vacation time.

Reviews

[Hannah Olivia]

Ha, I actually laughed at the end of this- it wasn't going where I thought it was!
Maybe include some of the facial emotions or body language of either Brian or St Peter while they are having the back and forth dialogue?

[terranova]

Thanks, Hannah. I'm not especially good at facial expressions, probably because my background is in Journalism, mostly radio. I hear my stories much more than I see them. However, it's a good suggestion and I'll see what I can do.

[Hannah Olivia]

Oh, I can see that in your writing- your background in radio journalism! And yeah, I'd say just study how people look around you ( a lot), and then you can probably successfully imagine how they react and their body languages in your own stories.

[Marie]

Wow--this is something like my stories of heaven,only yours seems to offer more than I ever thought of. The very best dreams end when something finally doesn't add up.

[terranova]

Thank you. Sometimes, it's funny how stories go. I think there's some truth to writers saying their characters take over a story. Even in something as short as this, the character Brian changed the story I thought I was writing.

[Marie]

My characters completely take over their story--that's why my endings are not always as happy as I would like to make them.