Shell

This will be my last post for a couple of months. I will be away from the computer. I thought I would post this one.

All that is left is a shell

Ever since I spent that day in hell

Everything I had is gone

Don't enjoy my favorite song

****

Stress and worry are now my life

Thought about ending it with a knife

But that is no way out

My mind starts to shout

****

So how long can I live like this?

Floating around with out any bliss

Pretending everything is alright

It feels like I'm loosing my lite

****

The darkness starts to gain its ground

Ever so slowly it doesn't make a sound

So which mask should I wear today?

I'm asking you, so what do you say?

Reviews

[♍ Kirstin ♎]

This is really good and you can feel a scense of hoplessness when reading it. I love the line "So which mask should I wear today?" that's often one of my thoughts. But one quick question on the 3rd last line shouldn't the phrase "Every so slowly..." be "Ever so slowly..."

[ashley]

Wow, this is powerful. I know this feeling. You've expressed the emotions perfectly. Great job!

[Vin]

I really like this, it's something that I and a lot of others can totally relate to. You capture the idea of being separated from everyone else and having to hide from them so well. My favourite lines were definitely "Everything I had is gone/
Don't enjoy my favorite song" everyone feels like this at least once in their lives and it is a great description for those times. Great write here, well done!

-Beth

[Joy Lynn B.]

I can really relate! Keep up the great writing! =)

[Jade (insanity)]

Beautiful. And I totally relate. As if no one can really see.
Great job,
Jade

[MissWordSmith]

Alright, I actually love the idea of this poem but I have serious issues with the flow. I feel like everywhere a couple of words have to be added or removed.

For example..

"All that is left is a shell
Ever since I spent that day in hell
Everything I had is gone
Don't enjoy my favorite song
****"

That was your first stanza.. the words and emotion is wonderful.. but the flow would read a little better if it was something like this..

"All that is left, is thIS LONELY shell
That one particular day in hell
Everything I had is SUDDENLY gone
I don't even enjoy my favorite song"

U getting what I'm saying?
The words are all there, but they need a little tweaking and editing.

Nice job anyhow!!
Keep writing !!!

NYTG

[A.Lee]

I really liked the last stanza of this piece. Well phrased & thought provoking. A few places it seemed like you were forcing it to rhyme though. Overall, nice work.