Prologue

Prologue

A Chapter by Frederick E. Conkling

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Prologue

 

 

    Jonah Riley looked upon the planet beneath him with a combined sense of sadness, fear, and wonderment.. The blue and green world beneath him had been the home of humanity for billions of years. To be leaving it now filled him with a sadness that should be saved for lost family or lost loves. It tore at him, ripping at his heart. But while the thought tore at his heart, it also spoke too some primal part of him. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a growing piece of Jonah was realizing how far the Butterfly Effect could extend.

    The model his physics professor used was a ball at the crest of a hill. He stipulated that a ball would move into many of the valleys depending on any number of slight variances in its initial position.

     But it was on 12/21/2012 that the ball was replaced by the asteroid 99942-Apophis, and the butterfly was stepped on.

     It had passed too close to the sun and slingshot around, most of its mass burning up in the process. The mass that worked through struck the moon, shattering it in a single catastrophic blow. Barely half of the moon was intact; everything else was thrown into the earth’s orbit. For three days rocks the size of basket ball’s hammered the globe. When it was over the result was a singular ring of debris circled the Earth.

      The world as we knew it had changed.

      But right now Jonah was on a new ball with a set of new variances. The small spacecraft he was situated on held him and the three passengers comfortably, without the pilot and copilot. It was egg shaped in design with a wide frontal window and a pair of short smaller egg-shape thrusters on the each side. This craft was nothing compared to some of the stones in the debris field that they would have to navigate to get at Cerberus-Base-1. The ship lurched to the side, avoiding a stone twice its size. Seeing that stone Jonah’s thoughts moved on to the smaller rocks, those pebbles going several thousand miles per hour. The consequences of a hit by one played out in his head.

      It wouldn’t be a quick hit and boom like hitting one of the bigger ones. Instead it would be a more of a pin prick against the egg’s surface. Out of that pinprick would go the atmosphere, with it Jonah’s and every other passenger’s air. That would be fine, assuming that they were able to get to the oxygen masks in time and that the oxygen would hold out until they arrived at Cerberus-Base-1 or one of the dozens of stations that permiated the debris.

     But that was just one. If there was more than one then the spacecraft would be annihilated, holes cutting through the hull like a phonebook caught by a round of buckshot.  But that was neither here nor there.

     Jonah felt the ship lurch to the right. It circled around the moon, coming into the sunlight.

     It was then that Jonah saw it; there was Cerberus-Base-1. Like a gleaming silver starfish, the base stood out against the moon rock. From its surface towers of steel and glass rose up into the sun. Jonah found himself holding his breath as they landed inside one of the starfish legs. Once inside the lights came on, revealing dozens of other ships like Jonahs.

     Outside the ship, Jonah and the other passengers were greeted by a singular transport vehicle. It fell gently out of the sky before them, like a silver leaf on a nonexistent breeze. Jonah and the others clamored inside, the egg ship taking off as they left.

     Once they were situated inside the vehicle, Jonah felt a jolt flow through and the vehicle rose and they blasted forward. While the others were content to question what the station was like Jonah could only stare out the windows, watching the world they had just entered.  

    Vehicles like the one they entered flooded the station, hundreds of them floating through the air in their individual lanes. The monolithic towers stood against the blackness of space, lights flicker on and off in the individual rooms. But it was the blackness of space that intrigued Jonah; from the outside there looked to be nothing protecting the station from the debris field. On the inside there still looked to be nothing, but every now and then Jonah would catch sight of something above the station sky. A ripple would form over the station, like someone had thrown a rock into a pond.

    He knew on some level the station had a kind of shielding against the vacuum, but he didn’t expect it to be so large or colorless. In the back of his mind he expected something more colorful, like the barrier curtains from Star Wars or something that hugged the buildings.

      But then Jonah saw something else in the air. He thought it to be a star; a yellow dot in the sky, but then it got bigger growing into a golden sun. It punctured the shield with little difficulty releasing a low humming sound as it did so. The beam passed through Jonah’s vehicle, cutting from the driver side backseat to Jonah’s right side. The beam clipped his arm, as the other passengers screamed.

     Shouldn’t there be more pain? He thought, moments before the world around him went blank.



© 2010 Frederick E. Conkling


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Author's Note

Frederick E. Conkling
This is a work in progress. I appretiate all comments on this piece.



Featured Review

I was prepared to be bored when I started reading this. Prologues tend to do that to me. This was actually interesting, instead.

You could definitely fix places where words are repeated too close together and fix up grammatical issues. In the first part, Jonah scowls several times. There are plenty of alternatives to use rather than sound like a broken record.

The first part with the teacher didn't make sense to me. Is he on the ship with Jonah or is he part of a flashback? What's the point of the exchange? If you don't need it, then maybe you can cut it out.

The action seemed to go by too quickly. Maybe the characters need more time to panic. More drmatic language could be used in these places as well.

Aside from those minor issues, I like this :)

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

In honesty, this is not something I would normally read or be interested in. Most of the time it would bore me. But you did a wonderful job and kept my attention through and through.

You gave great vision to the piece, creating a new world and time in which the setting took place. Your description was very well done, as well as the emotions used.

I have a suggestion, and that would be to double space your paragraphs, that way they do not bunch together, putting more separation between them makes it easier to read. The only other advice I would give is to just read it over and do a little editing, there were not many mistakes, just a few grammar issues and some punctuation that needs to be worked on.

Other than that, you did a great job. You brought the reader into a different world very well. There were no spots where I got confused, or lost in what was going on.

Great job, keep up the good work.

Vinny~

Posted 12 Years Ago


very interesting story. draws you into the characters world very quickly. makes you feel invested somehow in the characters fate i love that

Posted 12 Years Ago


I will also read and review Chapter 1 sometime today. :)

Posted 13 Years Ago


I really loved the imagination and emotion of this. You have painted a very realistic feeling and scene. I think that would be a difficult thing to accomplish when writing sci-fi.. making it seem realistic.
I fell deep into the persona of Johna, I like how you defined his personality and his thoughts.
There were some problems with sentence fluency and grammar, minor really. If you would like, I can revise this and send it back to you- feel free to call it yours.

You asked me in a message a long time ago to read this, I'm sorry it has taken so long. I have turned of RR's- if you would like me to read anything else, please ask me in comment or message. I will gladly oblige.
Hope to hear back from you on this one Frederick- I liked it a lot. Keep writing, and good work.
100/100
-Ashes

Posted 13 Years Ago


I will second what Ann say's below. I saw the same issues that upset the flow of the piece. I would suggest reading what you have out load to yourself a few times. Most of the word issues and misspells would be caught by that.

I felt that area describing the astroid that hits the moon and subsequent resulting effects could have been focused on a bit more. Reason being. That event seems to be the trigger for the rest of the story. I'd like to see a little more description as to what Earth suffered, and how that effected people's going into space.

I think the idea that is shaping up has alot of potential and i'm eager to move onto the first chapter. I'm certainly curious what this yellow beam is or where it might be orginating from.


Posted 13 Years Ago


This is the eigth time trying to post my review on this prologue. Bear with me.

You have a rather unique opening. It's interesting because you mention the Butterfly Effect in a story that is seemingly about a space-faring future. Your Dialogue and descriptions are very good. My only thing would be to smooth out the story a bit more, so it's a little easier to read.

Posted 13 Years Ago


This is not a bad piece. I enjoyed and saw nothing major to contend with. If you haven't already, you should post it at Midnight Souls. Perfect story for the group.

Posted 13 Years Ago


The edits were sent to your email :)

Posted 13 Years Ago


Overall, this seems like it is going to be an interesting book. Most of the descriptions came across rather nicely, at least they were easily pictured. There are several typos, that (as others have said) can be easily fixed. Perhaps some of the backstory can be drawn out. Hey, if it gets longer than you want, you could always get rid of the prologue and call it chapter one! I'll try to get around to chapter one in a bit, but until then Happy Writing!

Posted 13 Years Ago


Oh very nice detailed imagery again.. my friend I see you as more of a screenwriter than bookwriter and I haven't said this before but I will now. There are a few minor errors in spelling and grammar which is very easy to correct .. the gift you possess is the one in high comprehension in english terminology (word usage). I liked the term mud ball and felt this was purposely used being you use so much other great descriptive terms.. this is probably forming a part of this character's profile.. that and/or you are gearing this write to a specific age group.. sci-fi is commonly aimed at teens and early twenties and I see a character forming that most can relate to.

Keep it up.. your writings play like a movie.. I briefly went forward to the next chapter.. the only thing I would really do is edit.. space and maybe change a couple of repetitive words.. also watch that your prologue is not longer than your chapters.. and give an overview and mesh some of the future characters if possible.. though it's not always necessary.. I will need to see future chapters to see your vision more completely to give a real review.. of the overall work! I love it so far.. you are very gifted!

Posted 14 Years Ago



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Added on February 9, 2010
Last Updated on February 9, 2010


Author

Frederick E. Conkling
Frederick E. Conkling

Here. There. Everywhere. Nowhere. Take your pick., MN



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My names Daniel. Here's some things about me. Favorite Quotes: "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." -- Optimus Prime, "Transformers" "The cake is a lie." -- Portal "There is no.. more..

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