Death

Death

A Poem by theking
"

The story of death

"
Upon this battlefield I lay
Time moves on, into the fray
I descend, ever present as this war takes hold
of these mens lives, my touch is cold
They hope for god, they think of me
residing for eternity
In this dark place that man most fears
They march, blindly, while I just wait
For they willingly give what I will take

© 2013 theking


Author's Note

theking
"In this dark place that man most fears" was added to break up rhythm, but I feel as though it is incredibly out of place in the writing.

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Reviews

I don't think that it took away from it, but if you, the poet, feels uncomfortable with it, go with your gut and get rid of it. I loved the theme of this poem. I thought you did a very nice job.

Posted 8 Years Ago


I feel like your persona is shifting in this poem, which I don't know if you do on purpose or not, but I like how uncertain it feels. 'You' are laying in the battlefield, but also descending and touching, waiting and taking. One thing you might consider changing is the meter of the poem, since most of it seems to be in iambic tetrameter, the lines that aren't stand out and the emphasis is awkward in my opinion. If you are trying to break up the rhythm, I think you should elaborate on some of the lines that end in the 'normal' meter to make it less apparent when you do so later. For example, 'Upon this battlefield, insidious, I lay' would set it up so the poem didn't start so regularly. This is just my opinion, it's a great write, keep at it! :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Very nice. Has a real sense of reality and logic. I also think that line is out of place. I understand what you were trying to do though. Regardless, it's spectacular.

Posted 8 Years Ago


It's dark and cold...and frightening.
I'm not sure if I like it or not...it's depressing.
I agree with you, about the line "In this dark place that man most fears" ...it doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem.

Posted 8 Years Ago


theking

8 Years Ago

I agree with you completely about that one line. Sometimes, breaking up the poetry helps to add inte.. read more
I think it works. I read it aloud a few times. =)

Posted 8 Years Ago


theking

8 Years Ago

Yeah, when I first wrote it I had to really read it to myself before I could grasp the measure and r.. read more
David Wesley

8 Years Ago

Yeah I reread my poems a million times aloud, helps you establish your meter.. timing, etc. I'm big.. read more

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5 Reviews
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Added on April 28, 2013
Last Updated on April 28, 2013
Tags: death, war, battlefield, god, sons, children, march, blind, kings, gods, life, freedom

Author

theking
theking

TX



About
To every man upon this earth Death cometh soon or late. And how can man die better Than facing fearful odds, For the ashes of his fathers And the temples of his Gods? more..

Writing
The King The King

A Poem by theking