Death

The story of death

Upon this battlefield I lay
Time moves on, into the fray
I descend, ever present as this war takes hold
of these mens lives, my touch is cold
They hope for god, they think of me
residing for eternity
In this dark place that man most fears
They march, blindly, while I just wait
For they willingly give what I will take

Author's Note

"In this dark place that man most fears" was added to break up rhythm, but I feel as though it is incredibly out of place in the writing.

Reviews

[RachelReaper]

I don't think that it took away from it, but if you, the poet, feels uncomfortable with it, go with your gut and get rid of it. I loved the theme of this poem. I thought you did a very nice job.

[Surrealist]

I feel like your persona is shifting in this poem, which I don't know if you do on purpose or not, but I like how uncertain it feels. 'You' are laying in the battlefield, but also descending and touching, waiting and taking. One thing you might consider changing is the meter of the poem, since most of it seems to be in iambic tetrameter, the lines that aren't stand out and the emphasis is awkward in my opinion. If you are trying to break up the rhythm, I think you should elaborate on some of the lines that end in the 'normal' meter to make it less apparent when you do so later. For example, 'Upon this battlefield, insidious, I lay' would set it up so the poem didn't start so regularly. This is just my opinion, it's a great write, keep at it! :)

[Larul]

Very nice. Has a real sense of reality and logic. I also think that line is out of place. I understand what you were trying to do though. Regardless, it's spectacular.

[Angel]

It's dark and cold...and frightening.
I'm not sure if I like it or not...it's depressing.
I agree with you, about the line "In this dark place that man most fears" ...it doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem.

[theking]

I agree with you completely about that one line. Sometimes, breaking up the poetry helps to add interest, but in this case I feel as though it is just out of place. Thanks for the review. I love to hear back from people!

[David Wesley]

I think it works. I read it aloud a few times. =)

[theking]

Yeah, when I first wrote it I had to really read it to myself before I could grasp the measure and rhythm of the poem. Thanks for the review :)

[David Wesley]

Yeah I reread my poems a million times aloud, helps you establish your meter.. timing, etc. I'm big on timing. Pauses. You'll find a new flow for each poem you do. =)