Life Of Janus

What feels like, before coming out, to family and friends.

A suppressed life

Under constant fear

Scared to shared

A deep personal secret.

Living two lives

In the same body.

Compartmentalizing

Every second

Awake.

Mounting anxiety

And deepening depression

Stress levels skyrocketing

To the outer limits

Of known space.

Dreading

That moment

A loose tongue

Or action

Exposes you.

Before

You're ready

To emerge

From the "closet".

Petrified

How people will react

To this news.

Hoping

For the best

But expecting

The worse.

When

The moment arises

For you.

Author's Note

For myself, I accidently "outed" myself, to my mom, on July 1, 2006, when she unexpectedly showed up, at my apartment, because I sounded "sad", to her. After I told her, I wanted to spend the long weekend, by myself. Her reaction to seeing me, in a skirt, is best described, as being icy, when I tried to explain myself, to her. I have since, broken off, all relationship with her, as being around her, triggers anxiety attacks, and she fears me.

Reviews

[Janine Boiselle]

Excellent piece. As a lesbian, your words made me flashback to sitting on a couch at age 14 telling my mother I liked girls. With that said, your choice of structure and word clearly can hit home to people all over the LGBTQ+ spectrum. You'll definitely see me commenting on more of your work. Reading this was a paradoxically pleasant read. Can't wait to see what else you've got :)

[therisa]

Thank you, Janine. Most of my poetry is, an exploration of my past and future dreams.

[MomzillaNC]

People often fear what the do not understand. And fearing makes them angry.

[therisa]

I know, Momzilla, but my mom refused all of the information that I had gathered for her, explaining my situation. I can't wait for her, to come around, for I need to live my own life, as well.

[MomzillaNC]

You're right. You can't wait for her. But, you can't make her change either. You can only live the best You that you're able and be open, keep hoping she'll coming around. If she doesn't, it's still all in your hands how your relationship grows or stagnates. You have power and responsibility only over You.

[therisa]

Honestly, Momzilla, she won't come around, she would be more accepting, of me, if I had told her, I was a gay man, and not trans.

[MomzillaNC]

Never underestimate the adaptability of even the worst mothers. You're still a child of her body and will always be. But, don't wait around for her acceptance. Accept her as she is and move on. It's all you can do.

[therisa]

I have, my mom turns 76, this April, and is very set, in her ways.

[MomzillaNC]

It's a fact of life: it's up to you to make things right with your mom, even if nothing more than détente is all that's possible.

[therisa]

Honestly, the relationship isn't worth the pain. I have tried to appease her, but she doesn't want to be seen with me, in public. Period. End of story. Like I'm a leper, to her.

[MomzillaNC]

Then you do with her as I do with one of my sisters: you're polite but distant. If she's in need and you can help, do so. But, keep her at a distance. Leave reparations in her hands, but be hopeful and open to them if she tries.

And move on. If you don't move on, you're giving her your power -- power to hurt you.

[therisa]

Already keep her, at a distance, as she doesn't like driving in the city, which I live. And yes, I am trying to move on.