Memoir From A Glass Rose Ch 1 The Truth

This is Chapter 1 from my book.....Enjoy!

1

truth

 

 

               I would like to think my life is some amazingly, adventure-riddled, whirl wind of a story that will captivate you and make me an overnight millionaire. I could wish upon a falling star and it still would not happen, unless it was God’s will. (I sure hope so!) What my life has been though, is a triumph over victimization and a tireless example of perseverance, with a determination to succeed, to never give up and give-in. I know many individuals who have become rich and famous from a formula like that but my riches are of a different nature. 

               My fortune is written by the souls of those inspired by my story, empowered by my struggles that helped someone overcome their own struggles.  It is endless because my words will exist forever, just like addiction.  The riches I have amassed are not counted by this world but in a safety deposit box in Heaven in God’s bank account for me.

               God told me a long time ago that if I believe in Him, ALL things are possible. Now while Jesus is still working on me, as this book will show; God tells me the truth.

     Let me begin with this: my book is for people like me, the families of people like me, and all those affected by someone’s crack habit. This book is not a therapeutic extension of my so-called sobriety, nor is this just about my troubled life. This book encompasses the lives of so many; some that may not even have a crack habit.

               I am not going to give you a long, depressing memoir about my crack escapades; re-enacting all the horrible things I did. I want to help you understand what it feels like to be me; a crack addict, and finally realize we are not all uncaring monsters who creep in the night committing unholy acts upon our World. We are lost souls, searching for a way out, on a quest for knowledge and understanding; on a journey. This is meant to represent that journey: my journey; to locate the truth.

               I wanted to know why I became an addict and if it would ever go away, but most importantly, I wanted to know everything about myself. My first realization was that the truth is my lifeline, my gateway to becoming free; not only crack-free, just free.

               Many walls had to come down. With that freedom, I had to allow my suffering to have life. My freedom had to flow through my fears, guilt, shame, convictions, abuses, and my loneliness…Locked up tears had to be shed. I had to allow my shame; guilt and remorse to hurt me and not remain hidden anymore. This was one of the most difficult processes I’ve ever experienced but so profound….So powerfully enlightening and empowering. Allowing these raw emotions to be revealed and healed saved my life.

               Over the years I learned how to become emotionless towards my own pain. I tucked my sorrow and sadness away inside my heart because it was just too painful. The rehab centers and recovery programs tried to make me see my problems as the reason I smoked crack.

               In this recourse of pending actions, I never actually dealt with the problem; me smoking crack. I was only accepting a false sense of security and not dealing with the core of my addiction. In my opinion, I was merely putting on another mask and pushing my pain away again. Eventually I realized there had to be a better way. 

               There is a definite necessity for fresh, innovative ideas and relevant, unconventional methods to living drug free. The foundations for recovery set many, many years ago are not geared toward the powerful and potent addictions and devastating results of addicts today. In some states, there are actually programs to “spay and neuter” addicts from having children. They advertise that they will pay any addict hundreds of dollars to participate in long-term birth control and/or sterilization.

               This program of course has positive and negative attributes. But if this unsympathetic and severe life-altering program is not a perfect example for how terrible addiction has become, I am not sure what is. Addicts and their families, especially children, are losing the fight against addiction. I am only a small fraction of blessed individuals that found a way to be drug free. And it is because of this miracle, I am compelled to share my struggles and successes with the countless addicts in distress and drowning in the hell of addiction.

               My past was the beginning of my pathway to the truth, and the truth is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt in my life. The power of that tiny word, truth, is a mind blowing testament. A person does not have to be an addict to understand changes must occur within their life. I am not only an addict; I am a Mom, a daughter, a friend, a Grandmother, a fiancée, a cousin, a church member and somebody’s neighbor. I am a real person with a lot of issues in my life that needed to be dealt with; I needed to find the truth.              

                I must begin by stating that I am a crack addict, a crackhead, a junkie and every other acronym used to describe my behavior; that is the truth. There are a lot of people in my family who have condemned me for saying that, one in particular. They have told me I am not a strong woman, and that crack is the center of my life, not God, and I should be ashamed. If I feed into that type of reasoning, I would NEVER have stopped using drugs. True enough, I am a child of God, a Woman of God, and I believe, no I know God healed me of my addiction; in my spirit! But, I also must fight the flesh of my spirit. That is in the Bible.

               We ALL must fight our flesh, and in that flesh are our sins. In that flesh is fornication, adultery, lying, egos, stealing etc… and for me: crack addiction. So…. I acknowledge that God is the center of who I am, and through His son Jesus Christ, is the truth. And the truth is that I will be an addict ‘til the day I die…

               In addition, God’s truth is that I cannot live without sin and that sin dwells in the flesh, my flesh. When I allow my flesh to win, I end up smoking crack, thus, there will ALWAYS be that chance I can go back to drugs. But ONLY if I make that choice to let my flesh win instead of my faith… That is the truth!

               It is imperative that I know who I am…That I understand what I am, and the truth about my addiction. I know that we are what we say we are, but I have tried to fit in, tried to be normal and it just did not work. I am a child of God but I am also an addict and to try to go through the rest of my life believing I am like everyone else will send me right back to the dope house.

               I know now I had to make a choice of what life I wanted to live. I had to choose God, choose happiness, choose my children, choose serenity, choose forgiveness and choose my salvation. These choices were not made easily either, my addiction fought them every step of the way. Addiction is much more than just the choices I made, whether right or wrong. There is always someone saying that I chose dope, it was my choice, but they will NEVER understand the power addiction can have over an addict, and that deters a person’s rational thinking process.

               My addiction is just that, mine. Unless you have been where I have been, thought what I thought, smelled the foul stench of my spirit that was infected and diseased by addiction, and experienced the perils of my dependence on drugs, don’t judge. I know my choices hurt a lot of people. There will be some that never forgive me; some family ties will be severed. That is just the way it is. I have to choose life not death, and living for them is death for me. I am who I am. If I do not love me, who will, besides God?

               I know what the many groups for recovering addicts say in regards to my perception of myself, and my perception of my addiction. I have concluded that it is a bunch of nonsense.   I have read that NA book.   Man, I read AA, NA, CA, and every other “A” book published about being an addict.   I have been to rehab after rehab, been locked up, locked out, locked down, homeless, helpless, brainless, heartless, soul-less and all that.  Now, I am not banning or bashing those groups for the decline of my life, I put that crack pipe in my mouth.  I’m not saying they are worthless; what I am saying is that their ideology didn’t work for me and a bus load of other people just like me.  

      I have reconditioned my mind to see things for what they really are. For example, I am 5’10 and I weigh 250 lbs. I am not “thick”, I am not “chunky”, I am fat. You know why? I like to eat; and I eat just about whatever I want. There are consequences to that; some positive, some negative. I accept that because it is the truth.

               I have allowed (well I used to) society to make me feel like fat equals ugly and worthless. I no longer feel that way because I have found and accepted the truth. A great friend of mine always parts company with people with the phrase “Be well, be safe.”  I never really paid it much attention. But I understand it now. I feel it now.

               It took me years to comprehend that tiny little phrase, but I had to go through it to get to it, know what I mean? Today I am well, and I am safe.  I look at myself and I feel beautiful, I feel sexy, I look sexy because I am. Not because a man told me I am, or because a magazine shows me what is sexy, it’s what I see in myself!!!   I did not always feel that way.

               While using drugs, I lost a lot of weight but it did not look real bad. I am a large woman so to lose 60 or 70 pounds was not detrimental to what I portrayed to everyone. I was told I was gorgeous, and I seemed the “perfect size.”  I got a lot of attention from men, but I was sick inside. I barely ever looked at myself back then. I actually met the love of my life during that time and as you read on, you will see that we are still together even after I gained all my weight back and some... I am his “chunky bunky” as he calls me.  It’s a beautiful thing and he is a gorgeous man, but if he would have treated me differently because of my weight, I would have quickly kicked him to the curb.

               I have come to understand that I have to be important to me first. How I feel about myself will dictate how I allow others to treat me…Now when I feel I want to alter my body;  in whatever way,  it will be a decision made for me and by me, but not to be like anyone else. I have made changes to my eating habits since giving my life to God. I know that my mind, heart and my body need to be vessels for the Lord to use, and I don’t want anything to hinder me from doing God’s will.

               The truth of the matter is, I must constantly be stringently honest within my own mind, and if ANY addict wants to remain drug free, he better do the same.  I now understand that I have the mind of an addict. This means I cannot give my mind one 1/1000th of an inch of space to think I am normal or my mind will take thousands of feet of space and take me down further than I could ever imagine. I’m talking two or three levels up under hell, ok?  As an addict, if I allow my mind to believe I am normal, I will end up relapsing and be smoking again, and again and again and again and again.   And by the way, I did exactly that.     

               I cannot even consider myself a recovering addict.  I was an addict (a crackhead) the first day I smoked crack, and now some 20 years later, I am still that same addict, (crackhead).  There is no difference.  There are an abundance of addicts who believe the misconception of a normal existence. This way of thinking only leads to relapse.

               When I look at myself, I see the addict inside me. I no longer pretend that part of me doesn’t exist. That alter ego can no longer seek mischief in the darkness, and try to hide dormant in the light. I don’t wear my addiction on my sleeve though. I understand first and foremost I am a child of God, a woman of God.  I accepted Christ in my life, and walk with God. But part of my salvation has to encompass my addiction because I cannot go back and give inspiration to others without acknowledging what I was including how God delivered me from it.

      What does a crackhead look like? You really want to know?  It sure isn’t like that nonsense that is portrayed on television and in the movies. Look at me, as a matter of fact, get a mirror and look at yourself, then look at your mailman, at your doctor, at your neighbor, your kid’s teacher, your boss, etc … Get the picture?

               All these people look like crackheads. My point is, you NEVER will really know who is smoking. Oh eventually, at some point, it will show, but not all the time … I have gotten high with EVERY example I just gave you, even police, yes that’s right, the po-po, grandmothers, teachers, poor people, rich people, white, black, Spanish … Get the picture?

               For me, I must be forcibly honest with myself and not allow anyone to perpetuate what I have become. It has taken me a very long time to understand my addiction, and eventually I learned to “embrace” it.  That is something I never heard in any recovery center, meeting, or group. I just kept trying to work the twelve steps and seek treatment, then relapse, seek treatment, relapse, seek treatment, relapse.

               In my opinion, that cycle is the same insanity they say we portray in our never ending quest for drugs. It is insane to keep relapsing on dope, then trying to do the same program only slightly different and keep getting the same results. I did the exact same thing with recovery and working the steps. I kept ending up with the same result, me smoking crack. I knew I could not keep going on the same cycle. I felt like a hamster on a spinning wheel, going nowhere in a hurry.

               If you haven’t noticed already, I continue to talk about the truth, and about being brutally honest with myself over and over. This is not just because of the title of this chapter.  It is because that is the starting point to change and because it is just that important.  Accepting that truth is the entire foundation of what my new life is based on. If one cannot or will not see, accept and live by the truth of who God is, what they are and who God wants them to be, the same lie the devil wants us to believe and the same lie of addiction, will follow an addict into the “recovery” so many addicts seek.

               It is a false truth to say in a program, or group, or meeting, “I am a recovering addict…” By definition, it is not possible.  What I speak of is a new DNA, if you will; an acceptance from the internal spirit, to the inside of the soul, to the mind made new, to the external acceptance that eventually comes.  And even that acceptance externally is not what that addict says, it is how that addict exists, what is seen and not spoken…

               In this book, you will not read about any other drugs except crack.  I may make a reference to something else, but I am no expert on all addictions.  Oh, but I know about crack. I was the Instructor for “Crackology 101.”  

               In addition to that, I am an intelligent, beautiful, strong, loving Black woman, mother, sister, daughter, niece, cousin and friend that tried all the conventional avenues to be rid of my hellacious crack habit.  I always knew God had a purpose for my life; I was just too high all the time to find out what  it was.

               I have been told many times that I did not truly “work the steps” so I will continue to relapse. Those “steps” didn’t help me when I started having urges to get high, or when my mouth got dry, or I felt like I would defecate on myself, or when those “crack cramps” tore up my stomach.  I have yet to meet another student of “Crackology 101,” who stopped to call for help on the way to get high.  I know they call after all the dope is gone and there is no way to get anymore dope, myself included. I personally have never, not once, picked up the phone while on my way to get high.  Well, I did once.

               I placed a call to my so-called sponsor (an addict with more clean time than you, who is like a study-buddy) for assistance while I was in a court-mandated rehab center. She came to see me, and I was all upset because it was family day and no one was coming to see me. So, she told my counselor she was taking me to lunch and we left in her car.  

               As we talked, I explained to her how I was feeling and that I wanted to get high. By the end of that conversation, we were both in the hood, in the dope trap smoking dope. When I finally left her, still smoking, three days later, still at the dope house, I just knew I was going back to jail. Two days after that she was found decapitated, dead of an overdose behind a dumpster, butt naked. This is one of the reasons I could never grasp “the steps” or take conventional rehab seriously.      

               Now recovery folk will say, “See that’s the problem right there…you didn’t work the steps.”  I am sorry but for me, that is illogical and injudicious.  In other words,  it’s a bunch of nonsense.  Once that crack roller coaster is set in motion, it’s over. You will ride that bad boy till the wheels fall off.  And when those wheels do fall off, you will be trying to sell those same wheels to get just one more hit of crack!  If you’re a crack addict reading this, you are probably nodding your head right now in agreement with me.  The “steps” didn’t keep me out of the trap (place where drugs are bought and used).

               These programs with their 90 meetings in 90 days are not realistic.  I have been to hundreds of them.  It’s a clown show, packed with too many corny clichés. I feel they allow crack addicts to gain a false sense of security.  If it helps someone, that’s great.  But in my opinion, it sets you up to fail (relapse). The meetings have addicts sporting all these colored key tags to display their clean time. But the very set of principles these addicts try to follow represents a major oxymoron.

               I, as an addict, am supposed to call another addict, so they can assist in stopping me from smoking crack. You only need common sense to see this is not a smart move.  It’s like one blind man, Stevie Wonder, calling another blind man, Ray Charles,  to help him cross the street! 

               The recovery principles  state that I will always be subject to relapse, so doesn’t that include that sponsor?  That sponsor is an addict, I am too. I know it is meant as a support system, and to fellowship with other addicts, but to rely on them as part of my sobriety is a concept I no longer agree with.

               In addition, their “recovery” programs call for you to reach out to a higher power. That right there is their biggest problem. There is only one higher power, God, and His word states there can be NO OTHER GOD BUT HIM.   God allows us to fall in the pits of hell sometimes so we will need Him, so we will put HIM first in ALL we do. Just saying higher power can mean a tree, a building or whatever. God is definitely not a whatever!!!  God is needed for the addict to be drug free. God is The Alpha and The Omega, Our Father who art in Heaven. God must be acknowledged to receive the healing only He can provide.

               The truth of the matter is this: the only thing that will EVER keep an addict from actively chasing crack is: THAT ADDICT! ( and God).   I had to get to that truth, and it was a hard road to follow.  I knew it meant life or death. I have made many, many, many, mistakes but I ended up finding out the truth about myself, and realizing what I am. I do not call myself a recovering addict because that is just not accurate. I will NEVER be in recovery.

               Now the basis of how an addict actually becomes addicted, according to the principles of 12 step programs is that some traumatic, devastating past is the cause.  Now if you combine that creation of an addict to their “always subject to relapse,” an addict seems doomed from the start.

               Furthermore, I do not measure my amount of time clean anymore because for me, that is too much pressure.  I didn’t keep count of how many days I remained tore-up from the floor-up, so how will I know tit-for-tat how many days I am clean?  The easiest part is not getting high; the hard part is facing yourself with no more excuses for my crap-for-brains mentality. I have more than two decades of nonsense to come to grips with. That enormous task is a job for God.  I know I can’t do it alone, and when I try to, I end up high again!  So I know without a shadow of doubt, that I am a true walking miracle.

               In my journey, I have come to believe in God’s miracles because just my still being alive is a miracle in itself.   That’s why I don’t dare count days without dope, it is a miracle and God’s works can’t be measured in the world’s time anyway.  Who am I to put a limit on God?  He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  I am blessed enough to know God, acknowledge God’s work in my life, and the power that only God has. Let that marinate and see if that don’t make you jump up and thank God for the unconditional love given to us freely.

               You can’t contain that on a keychain, or a piece of medal, or a badge. I know my badges of endurance, perseverance, and struggle are invisible to the world’s eyes, and that’s ok by me.  If you have faith, and I do, if you truly walk with God, and I am; I know you can feel it in The Spirit right along with me.

               I think of recovery as a person who had surgery and afterward is taken to a recovery room.  He recovers  from surgery.  This means that he gets better and can return to normal.  I can NEVER recover from crack.  I will NEVER be normal. I could stop smoking and be that way for 20 years, and without hesitation, get high. 

               There are three things that stop the chain of drug use.   I mean, they are a means to ending smoking crack: God, prison and death.  That’s it! So, think about that process … I was a crackhead the first day I smoked it, I am that same crackhead now, and I will be when I die.  I cannot smoke, but is that really recovery?

               The definition of recovery states:  the return to normal health; the return of something to a normal state after a setback or loss. If I am subject to relapse forever, according to the twelve step programs, how is recovery returning me to the “normal” state I was in?  How “normal” was ANY addict before recovery?  He’s not!  It’s like an oxymoron.

               The definition of oxymoron is: a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are used together for special effect.  (Recovering addict!)  Now think about the definition of recovery and the definition of oxymoron. Honestly, can you consider these facts and see why so many addicts fail? You can never actually recover from addiction.   What you can do is free your mind from all the waste it has accumulated.  You can begin to understand who and what you are. Recognize the truth, and accept your addiction.  Don’t fight it, embrace it, understand it, and accept the truth.

               We have become a society of “medical excuses,” in my opinion. Every time I turn on the TV, there is another long, unpronounceable word some doctor or scientist has come up with to “brand” a behavior, a mood, or personality defect of people.   Now true enough, there is truth in some of these afflictions, and by no means am I a doctor, psychologist or a scientist, qualified to diagnose some disease or real disorder. What I am is a crack addict, so that’s what I can speak about.  I use other addictions and afflictions for example only. 

               I know depression is real, I know OCD is real, I know hypertension is a real thing, so is sickle cell and diabetes, but there are countless other personality traits and behaviors that are being called medical disorders and they aren’t.  For example, do I believe in ADHD? In some extreme cases yes, but when your child isn’t listening to you or acting out and it embarrasses you, that isn’t ADHD.  

               Your child is being just that -- a child, and as a child, he needs discipline and boundaries set by you and enforced by you, not you shoving pills down his throat as a replacement for parenting.  We, as Americans tend to make things complicated when it doesn’t have to be.  Sometimes it is just that simple!

               In the same instance, for me, I am a crack addict…  And guess what???   I USED TO LOVE TO SMOKE CRACK!!!!!!!!   I just did not like what I did because of crack.  Why is it all addicts supposedly have some “other” reason to smoke crack?  I have been in many, many different types of areas, regions, states and cities following my addiction; the projects, suburbia, abandoned buildings, condos, mansions, you name it, and I have smoked there.  I have yet to meet a crackhead who smokes it because their father beat the mess out of them, or because they were left alone as a child.

               We do it because we like smoking crack; we just don’t like the consequences that go with it.  Sure, there are dysfunctional families; there are people who have suffered abuse, poor families, lonely childhoods, abused children and every other negative aspect that can be thought of.   What is the real truth though?  

               Alcoholics drink alcohol, they abuse alcohol, why?  Heroin addicts smoke, shoot or sniff heroin, why?  Crackheads smoke crack because of what???  Alcoholics like alcohol!  Heroin addicts like heroin!  Crackheads like crack!!!!  I smoked crack because I liked it. That’s it. Cut and dry, and simple? Yes!!!!!!! Why do some people drink and do not become addicted? NOBODY KNOWS WHY AND ALL THE SPECULATION AND  OBTUSE THEORIES ONLY GIVE ADDICTS LONGER ROPES TO HANG THEMSELVES WITH!!!!!!!!!!!

               Have there been times when someone brought crack to me and I was not looking for it?  Yes, and that is a legitimate situation where I can say it was not my fault.  With it within my reach, I am an addict who could not say no, whether in active addiction or not.  True enough, I am clean now and crack is not the center of my life anymore.  But I sure won’t be going to the crack houses to save nobody no time soon, UNLESS God leads me to do that.

               It won’t be a decision I make on my own!!!  I believe in God, I trust Him but I don’t trust myself, I am an addict.  I must, as a person who has accepted Christ, do my job of reconciling lost souls to Christ.  But I still live in this world and not in Heaven yet, so I must be guarded in where I go. Look, when I cross the street I look both ways, check the little box to make sure the little man is green and I walk in the cross walk.  Same difference in dealing with dope. 

               I am not willing to go to a dope house to save anyone.   I could lose myself, that is the truth, and who would that help?  But I will go to areas where drugs are sold, in the vicinity and do my best to be there for those still caught up in that mess.  When God feels I am ready to venture out into those places, He will guide me, give me the strength, but until then, I will keep my eye on myself!

               I look at calling myself a crackhead like wearing a badge, like a policeman. As a cop moves up the ladder, he may start as a patrolman, then a detective, then one day a sergeant.  When he reaches captain, he still has the qualifications and badges of his prior positions right?  For me, I am a Christian living clean now, but to get to where I am, I went through several ever changing levels.  I may have moved on up past being a crack addict, but it’s still a part of my resume.

                I know you are saying to yourself, what makes her right and the countless doctors, psychologists and scientists who have done countless numbers of studies and scientific tests and studies wrong? I will tell you why.   How many of these doctors, psychologists and scientists have ever smoked crack? Think REAL hard now…………………None so far as I know, and if they had EVER smoked crack, would you believe them?  No, you wouldn’t…..

               So now you may ask, “Well all the studies that have been conducted use crack addicts as participants, so aren’t they just like you?”  You are absolutely right. They are crackheads just like me and as a crackhead, I will tell you we are amongst the number one, best of the best, numero uno, the most brilliant con artists in EVERY sense of the word and will NEVER, EVER, EVER tell ANYONE the whole entire, brutally honest, unscripted truth, except for what we tell God and if my memory serves me right, God isn’t in the habit of telling your business!!!!!.

               It is a behavior that is acquired.  No! not only acquired, it is a necessary tool during active addiction, and even when we are not in active addiction.  It is a skill, none the less, that we get better and better at the longer we are addicted, myself included. If a crack addict can maintain a long period of not smoking, we could be candidates for politics, telemarketing and fundraisers.  (But that’s another book, soon to come).

               I learned how to look people dead in their face and cry.  I mean tears, snot, downright desperation and despair because my father had died; for the fifteenth time (that’s how many times I told the same story within a six month period).  I could look people in their face while telling them the biggest lie to get what I needed, which was usually money to smoke crack.               But at times, people would know what I was doing and would not give me money, but give me whatever I initially said I needed instead of money.  I am a bad mother (shut yo mouth), so I would take food, gift cards, clothes,  food stamps, green stamps, coupons, whatever, and either sell it to the dope man, or pawn it or sell it to someone else, either way, it always ended the same… me smoking crack.  

               And not only to feed my addiction, but sometimes to cover up and replace the monies and situations I screwed up while smoking, you know, the aftermath.  That list included family, neighbors, friends, co-workers, employers and agencies, and strangers.  I got so good at lying and conning folk.    I had dope dealers giving me money,  buying my kids food, and even inviting us to their homes for children’s birthday parties.   And this is not glorifying what I did, just telling the truth.

               The saddest part of the truth about a crack user is the single most important aspect to remember.  It doesn’t matter how long we don’t get high, it is something we can never be cured of. There is no end to this affliction, no magic pill and poof!  Addiction is all gone!   I could be crack free for 40 years, and on that last day, in my 40th year clean, I am capable of smoking, sometimes without hesitation.

               For me, I do not measure my days, months or years clean. In my opinion that standardizes and restricts the mind’s power to be free from addiction.  For me, I have learned to “embrace my addiction,” instead of fighting my addiction. I have mentioned these points several times because it is extremely important to fully understand who you are, and how the path to the truth cannot be taken lightly.

               It is not a questionable process like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg. The slightest misconception of a crack addicts’ mind set can be that fork in the road.  One road leads to Hell, the other one leads up under Hell.  

               Are my opinions a cure for crack addiction? No. Do I know all the answers for all the questions regarding recovery? No.   Just as there are many stations to watch on TV, there are many different opinions and views about addiction.   I just feel that in order for someone to tell me how to get from point A to point B, he must have traveled that road before. Not sitting in the passenger seat, or the back seat, I want my directions from the driver of the vehicle…  I do not want to ride with them, just get the directions.

               One addict saving another addict is like that cliff that Thelma and Louise drove their car off in the 1991 movie, Thelma and Louise.    I’m not saying that addicts can’t support each other; hey that’s why I wrote this book. What I am saying is that past methods used for the masses is not working.

               I do agree with something I have researched and experienced in a conventional recovery program. I agree that a crack addict needs a long term in-patient stay of at least 3-6 months, if not more, when trying to stop smoking for the first time. The urge to get high is so very strong.  To have any chance, an addict needs to be confined for a long time when attempting to stop smoking.

               The reality though of what I just stated is that the majority of crack users have lost their job, or are barely holding on to it and will not pay for insurance. That cuts into money for dope. The state approved Medicaid insurance programs will not approve this long-term program. This travesty leaves an addict damned if they don’t seek help, and damned when they do. Where is the truth when we search for relief? The truth has to become our lifeline when all else fails.

               I had a conversation with my father today that I thought had set our relationship back a few steps from the progress we had made.  In my quest for the truth, I had to learn to live for me. I had to be real with myself, about myself and about my addiction. I have lived my entire life being what I thought he wanted me to be, but never receiving the accolades of a proud parent, a loving parent.

               My father also had an addiction to cocaine and he beat it.  He told me he even had someone smoking it in front of him and he was able to walk away because he really wanted to stop. I discussed with him some of the life changes I made in order to be drug free.

               For a very long time, I rarely carried more than $20.00 cash money on me.  Now I had more money than that in the bank, and I carried a debit card, but I carried little cash. I did this because large sums of money can be a trigger for me.. So, I chose to curtail my cash handling practices to ensure my safety.   My father felt it necessary to tell me that in doing that, I must not really want to stop getting high. He felt I am not real in my wanting to be crack free.

               He has a problem with me saying I am a crackhead, although I no longer smoke. I got very upset but for the first time in my life, I let my father know my addiction is about me, not him.  I do what I need to so I remain drug free, and I didn’t care what he thought (respectfully of course).   

               His way of “recovery” is fine for him, I respect that; my way of life allows me to live.  I am true to myself and more importantly true to what my addiction was for me.  There is no magical formula that can be applied the same way for every addict.  All the wasted years I kept relapsing and compiling more and more guilt and shame only added more flies to the pile of crap I was living in. I tried to live up to the standards set by my family, by the courts, by the rehabs, and everyone else I thought knew better.

               I may be upset, but I am not set back by the irritation I seem to cause my father, not anymore. That is his baggage to deal with. I am happy today, I am drug free today and I am living life, not lying to it.  Let me say that one more time:  I am living life, not lying to it!  

               In the past, any little criticism or put down from my Dad would kill my spirit.  While he has made significant changes in the way he deals with me, I no longer live for every word from his mouth.  Don’t get me wrong, our relationship is 100% better and I love my Daddy with all my heart.  I thank God we freely love each other again.  I am proud of my Dad’s growth in Christ too.  I am proud of me, I am proud of God’s love for me and the truth in which I base my life upon; just for me.

               It is my humble wish that as you read my story and live yours, you will find the courage to live as God means for you to; your path must be just that.  While we can learn and gain wisdom from one another, your path is just that….YOURS!    But more importantly, live for yourself without your crack crutch… (Which by the way you can have even though you are not actively using dope).  Standing on your own two feet may be scary but once you do, the possibilities are endless.

                Embracing your life, your struggle, your relationship with God, your truth, will release the grip of hell on your soul…  Hell in the crack house, hell in the jail house, and hell in the house of the dead. I made a decision to live and I made it for myself, by myself, with God’s promises. What I mean is I did it for me, without the enforcement of jail (even though I have been a client), family, friends, or rehab. It was my decision and it gave me the empowering belief that  I could really make it.  That is what the truth can do for you. The truth really can set you free if you let it….

 

The Truth

The truth.

And the truth shall set you free… But will you really be?

Free from your past transgressions, free from what you’ve seen.

 I quest to find myself, to know from what I came.

To understand and contemplate am I sick or just insane.

The truth it seems so simple, so easy to behold.

 But in reality, it is raw and surreal and continuously unfolds.

The truth has no rhyme or reason to subside from why it cries out loud.

 And it shall set you free, and it is sure to make you proud.

 But from what is this untold secret that keeps my guilt in jail?

The truth is what they say they want but the truth never does prevail…

I know what was said, and I know what to say.

But will my spirit listen and comprehend a better way?

I use the truth to compliment not to complicate;

An existence filled with no escape, only the will to medicate.

I have freed my mind, I have freed my soul.

I have freed the chains that bind.

The truth: untold