How to play a game

I'm not sure to make this into a book or not, so this is just a teaser.

This world is falling to pieces everyday the demons live here. My friends and I walk the streets in fear, seeing the demons pull aside people we know and even care about. We are just hoping that we won’t be their next target, my heart starts to beat faster and faster as I get the same bad feeling I got when a rich demon took my sister away on her birthday. I have a feeling that me or one of my friends isn’t going to make it back home. Then as a demon walks towards us, my heart stops, why me I think as the demon looks at me. I start to panic as my friends keep walking as if I was nothing, but I probably would do the same. The demon then takes me to the centre of the city

“You’ll be the first,” he says to me. My heart is beating so hard I start shaking, but I know that there’s nothing I can do, he puts me in the centre of the sacrifice circle and ties me up in rope. I close my eyes as a gun gets pointed at my head.

“Hold it.” A loud voice says, I open my eyes and see a young man “Why didn’t you invite me to the party,” he continues. He jumps into front of me and attacks the demon with the gun, as the demon get ready to attack him he grabs me and throughs me over his shoulder. Finally someone who can break the demons rules, and win this game.     

Reviews

[RachelReaper]

oh, so this was about the one I had read earlier. Its interesting to read the teaser after the chapters of the actual book ;)

[Weeping Willow]

I fixed it up, but this is a teaser. I have made it into a book, just so you know.

[Ruby]

It's really good :) but there are somethings that need to be fixed. Keep writing more.100/100

[CLUTZ]

Okay I'm going to start with mistakes and things I think could be changed: “Why didn’t you invite me to the party,” he counties." (should be continues.)"Me and my friends..." (My friends and I) There could be a little more action. I realize this is a short but you could do so much more with this. The fact that you write "My heart stops as one pulls me to the side..." seems so boring compared to what you could have done. I see what you're trying to do & I think it has potential but you're holding back. When I read this I don't get fear, I know the girls are supposed to be afraid but I don't feel it. As a writer (& I'm sure you already know this) you have to pull your readers in and this isn't doing that.
Again great potential but I feel as if you not only need to expand but revise this. I hope that helps.

[Gretchen Clarke]

Though I agree with deepblue04, it does seem intriguing. I think you should make it into a book. It sounds like it would be an interesting book, perhaps even a series.
Keep up the great work!

[deepblue04]

this is quite confusing lol, can i get more of an elaboration?