I did prefer your first poem, but this is not bad.
Repetition of a phrase adds strength to a poem and this is no exception.
Some small spelling errors - last stanza - glorious for example.
Again, flows fairly well. With a little more time the kinks can be ironed out.
Posted 13 Years Ago
3 of 3 people found this review constructive.
Advertise Here
Want to advertise here? Get started for as little as $5
i enjoyed the poem but it doesnt have much emotion for me. the words are simple. i think repeating to much beautiful sunset takes away from the mood. i appreciate the repetition but to much is not good for a poem.
This is a beautiful poem. But does not give much of the feeling of "the joy in every goodbye" to me. The choice of words are simple and easy to understand. The lines of each stanzas are good but when it comes to the repetitive line "its beautiful sunset," it gradually dropped the mood I am in.
Wow! This is your second poem! Congratulations on your journey. I like the themes of your poem and the way you link life to a sunset. The repetition works well in this poem, but I feel that you could replace a few of the sunset lines with different synonyms or sentence structures to add a greater depth to your writing. I think this poem would really benefit from a use of color to describe the sunset and the emotions that you are trying to convey. But, as second poems go, this is a good effort.
I think returning to "this beautiful sunset" detracts from the rest of the poem, I would suggest trying out some synonyms or associated words: aubade, horizon, sol, Apollo, etc. Sometimes forcing yourself out of a comfort zone is the best way to grow as a writer. I think the connection between life cycles and the weather is good insight but could maybe be more clearly presented of touched upon more meaningfully. For example, is winter all cold and barren and summer hot and fruitful?, what is unique about life in seasons? What more could you do connect your two dominant themes (light and weather) and their relationship to the earth being illuminated by either moon or sun and what this means when writing about the sunset. None of this is necessary, just my personal take on your work presented as under construction. Hopefully my suggestions lead somewhere for this poem or another. Keep it up.
I enjoyed this one as much as the first, though this is a little more slow to read, nothing wrong with that at all though. I actually like the repitition of phrase as I think it lends to the point, the punch, if you will.
My name is TJ and I'm still just your typical aspiring author :)
Follow me on twitter @tj_coles
And for some short stories in 140 characters or less follow @timmystales
more..