Untitled

Fear and acceptance, the troubled twosome.

Sinking, as a child, into my cluttered bed

I carved hate into my limbs

and carved thoughts out of my head.

I put them in my heart

until my chest filled up with words

meaningless thoughts and feelings

that tangled up my world.

I was safe inside mysef

I was safe inside my hell

I was safe enough, if there were such a thing

though, I was living on eggshells.

Every step I dared to take

and every breath I barely gasped

every motion and every glance

inside a place where I was trapped.

I was shackled to myself

clawing the walls within my mind

I was lost for every feeling

mouth slack and tearducts dry.

I wished to slip away

when it was night, I wished for day

because the light had a way of concealing

all the dark of yesterday.

But, as the hopeless time ticked on

and as the day crept to dusk from dawn

those fleeting comforts I clinged to

evaporated; they were gone.

I was left with something bitter

I was left with something sour

I was left alone just waiting for

my unclean, bloodbathed hours.

They came to me like clockwork

as they always seemed to do

they came to me with angry eyes

that followed my every move.

I would try to hide my gaze

I would be as still as death

I would silently hope and pray

I would even hold my breath

But, no bargain came my way

And there was no way to delay

what came to pass each evening

So, I knew that I must stay.

Stay to take what aged me years

Stay to take what made my fears

And every night I'd lie awake

trying to breathe in pools of tears.

And out my window I woud stare

into the sky that held my fate

searching for what wasn't there

searching for an open gate.

But every star was brightly mocking

all the things I couldn't have

Amongst themselves, the stars we talking

Between themselves, they seemed to laugh

because a girl so far below them

looked above to be set free

she begged for them to save her

she begged He'd hear her plea.

But, the stars were far too busy

and my god just wasn't there

my faith was quick to pass

and my pain was left to bear.

So, my body was my chamber

though, my head was all I kept

the rest of it was tattered

bruised and battered; in a mess.

Love became a foreign object

trust became a funny taste

I would look into the mirror

and see neither in my face.

Every corner of myself

grew a plague so quick to spread

inside, my lungs were filling

but, the rest of me was dead.

I must have been that way for years

I must have faded black and white

I must have lived a million times

through what would happen in the night.

A girl so drained and trained to fear

A girl with thoughts so damn unclear

But, I can't escape myself

and I can't just disappear.

So, I'll find some peace within

and I'll forgive the ones who've sinned

I'll accept love, look above

and find the stars again.