Chapter Twelve

            When I get home from school, he's waiting or me. He must have taken off work. Then again, he is the boss..

“Dilly, can you come in here?”

            He’s standing by the kitchen table and there’s a large glass of orange juice on it, my favorite.

            I slowly approach him. I don’t know what’s going on but I don’t like it at all.

            He reaches out and combs my hair back out of my face with his hand.

            “There you are.”

            I smile a bit.

            “How was your day?”

            “Lousy then okay.”

            “What happened?”

            I’m looking at his feet. I’ve never been a very good liar when it comes to him and now he’s acting strangely so I really don’t know what to do. All I have to do now is wait for him to hit me.

            “You can tell me, Kendall.”

            “Well…Julian knew something was wrong but I didn’t tell him anything, I swear! There’s nothing going on between us either.”

            “I believe you,” he reassures.

            “Then Phylicia ruined the pictures I’d taken for the school paper for next week so now I have to dig around on my computer to find the pictures and retouch them to get them ready again in addition to doing my homework.”

            “Sounds like a lot. Can I help? Is there anything I can do?”

            “Not unless you know how to use Photoshop.”

            He smiles, “Sorry. I guess I’ll let you get to work.”

Before I can go, he puts his hands on my shoulders.

            “I’m sorry, Kendall. I’ll try to do better.”

            My mind is blank.

            He hands me the glass of juice and I head to my room.

            His apology is extremely climactic. He’s never apologized to me. Ever!

            But never mind this possibly sincere declaration. I don’t believe him. I’m a cynic and even the idea of my father suppressing his frustration, I cannot entertain it. For all I know, he meant it. The difference between trying and doing, however, is massive. I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. I will not get my hopes up. He’ll probably kill me tomorrow just to make his statement all the more ironic.

            I’m just sitting down at my desk when the doorbell rings.

That’s odd. We never have company that my father isn’t expecting. Whoever usually comes over knows that he’s left the door open for them. He must be thinking the same thing because the bell rings again letting me know he hesitated.

I decide to change my clothes. This doorbell nonsense doesn’t involve me and I’m not going anywhere. A pair of my running shorts and a sports bra will do.

My desk sits in front of a window looking over the vineyard, facing the same direction as my balcony. I sit and open my laptop. I don’t know why I made such a big deal about those pictures. On my laptop, they’re in their own folder just waiting to be printed up again.

When I decide to get started on my homework, I hear a woman’s voice. I wonder if this is the woman until I hear my father’s unclear response. His voice is strained. I know that voice well because it’s one of few warnings that I’m about to get it again.

Despite his harsh tone, the woman laughs and that’s when I tune out. I don’t want to hear anymore especially if it means he’s about to slug someone besides me; someone who might tell on him…someone who will tell on him.

After fifteen minutes of Mr. McCoy’s English, I’m moving on to Calculus. I have not the slightest idea what’s going on downstairs but it’s quiet. That’s a good sign, I think.

“Hi.”

I turn sharply and there’s a man standing behind me in my doorway. He’s light-skinned with dark eyes and a smile that advises me to be cautious. Then I become keenly aware that I’m half naked.

“My name’s Ken.”

I don’t answer. He should not be here.

“I’m your aunt’s boyfriend.”

So that’s who’s downstairs. Aunt Brenda. Now I know why Dad was so edgy.

His eyes roll over me and I can tell he retrained himself from licking his lips.

I stand when he takes a step closer to me.

“Is this any way to greet your…uncle?”

He takes a step closer and there’s nowhere for me to go besides over my desk and out of the window. The mini-panic attack I was having has officially escalated into a full on heart-destroying-my-rib-cage-attack.

“I think you can manage a hug. What do ya’ say?”

I feel my eyes widen. When he gets close enough, I throw a punch at him. He grabs my arm and pulls me in. I struggle against him and feel the pleasure he’s getting from this.

“That’s right.”

I can feel his hard on against my privates. He’s got his hand on my butt, pressing and dry humping me.

“No! STOP!”

He moves the hand from my butt to my back and his other to my mouth. He shushes me.

“Just one more quick thing,” he says, emphasizing the “quick”.

He practically lifts me from my feet and moves me toward my bed. This cannot be happening.

Then I feel a hand yank me free. When I get my bearings, I’m standing behind my father.

He’s just staring at Ken.

“I was just saying hello.”

My father just stares harder.

“It was harmless.”

And on that note, he’s upon Ken, wailing on him with everything he’s got. Soon enough, Ken’s bleeding and near unconsciousness. It’s a good thing Aunt Brenda was there because I wouldn’t have been able to stop him and I wouldn’t have wanted to.

“Stop it, Marcus!” she shouts.

My Dad looks up.

“I see you still have that temper. I also see that you use it to protect and against your daughter.”

She grabs my chin and tilts my face to show his handy work.

I snatch away, “I’ll deny it,” I sneer.

“I’m sure, you little idiot.”

“Take your trash and get out,” my father growls.

She helps Ken stagger to his feet and they leave without whatever it is she came for.

I’m still in panic mode because he’s still angry. And I’m right too because he turns to me. I flinch by memory.

“Look at you; in here just about nude. My sister’s ‘boyfriend’ just came into my house and got pleasure from my sixteen year-old daughter because you decided you didn’t want to put on clothes. This probably wouldn’t have happened if you’d kept your school clothes on.”

He groans loudly, raises his already bloodied fist then storms out.

I’m relieved but quickly that relief turns to horror. I feel filthy. I go into my bathroom and sat under unbearably hot water scrubbing, all the more because I was being cliché. I had never encountered anything like Ken. It kind of made me somewhat thankful for a physically abusive father as opposed to a sexually abusive one.

Once out of the shower my mind dwelled on Ken and what could’ve happened. What if he comes back? I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is. When I do, nightmares of my mother take over. There was no winning when it came to the fact that sleep was a necessity.

I lay in my bed, three pairs of jogging suits on, feeling more defeated than usual. I feel like I’m in a box, on each side is my father, Mrs. Cadiz, Ms. Campbell, and now Will. In every corner are my nightmares: fear of the Police, fear of the school system, and now this unclean I feel. The box is way too full especially when you add Julian, Phylicia, and Patricia.

They’re all in this box with me, wanting something, expecting something. They stand around me talking all at once. They’re all trying to be heard so they get louder and louder. Their words are heavy blows on my already exerted body. I feel…claustrophobic! Makes me want to listen to Solange’s God Given Name.

I jump at the sound of Brandy wanting to know where her man wants to be.

“Julian.”

“Hey. Feeling any better?”

I choke back a sob I didn’t know was there. I hear him moving around.

“What’re you-

“I’m on my way.”

“But-

“I’ll be extra careful.”

He hangs up before I can argue anymore. I think about calling him back but he won’t answer. He’s officially on a mission; a mission for me. It’s funny because he has T.I.’s verse in that very song as his tone for me.

I’m still lying in my bed sweating when I hear my name being whispered from my balcony. I lethargically roll out of bed and go out onto my balcony.

“What’s this?” he smiles indicating the jogging suits. When he begins to unzip the first jacket, I pull away.

“You’re going to get heatstroke with all this on. What’s up?”

I look away.

“You can trust me. You can tell me.”

Why is it so easy to talk to him? Suddenly easy.

“You remember my Aunt, right?”

“The sister your dad doesn’t really like. Yeah.”

“Well, she stopped by today.”

“Random.”

“You have no idea. I was in my room, wearing as little as possible. No one ever comes over to see me so I never stay super dressed.”

“Me either.”

“I turned around and her boyfriend was standing in my doorway. He wanted a hug that I wouldn’t give…so, he took it.”

His grey eyes darken, “What?”

“I feel so violated, so dirty even after that hour long scolding hot shower I took.”

“He raped you?”

“He"he-

“Tell me, Kendall. What did he do to you?”

I look away. I’m so weak. It’s all I’ve been lately.

“He forced himself on me.”

“So he did rape you.”

“He didn’t get the chance. My Dad came in and beat him into a bloody pulp.”

“I always liked your dad.”

Little did he know.

“So, I’m gonna assume you’re pretty shaken up right now and scared. But this sounds like a job for your boyfriend.”

“You know me better. And you know my family better. I would have had to explain a lot before I got down to it and I’m not in the mind frame for that. Besides, you have a car so you could come right over. Plus, you know how to sneak in.”

“You’re right. Well, can I hug you?”

“Sure.”

Maybe I shouldn’t have let him hug me. He was so familiar to my body and my senses. I missed him. I missed this. Julian was being really great about my leaning on him without being my boyfriend. Even he couldn’t ignore our friendship. But now I couldn’t ignore our chemistry.

Coming out of our hug, I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I felt his lips on mine; until my tongue moved from my mouth to his.

It took the removal of all three jogging suits for it to finally dawn on me that I wasn’t single.

“Hey. Whoa, wait.”

I pull back.

“I have a boyfriend.”

“So?”

“You don’t wanna play second fiddle to Will.”

“I don’t mind because I know I’m going to come out on top.”

“I can’t do this to him. I can’t do this to you. Or myself for that matter. I can’t handle something like this in my already screwed up life.”

“Let me be here for you.”

“This isn’t about me. This is about you getting over on Will.”

“Screw Will! It’s about you and me. I really do want you back.”

“You never had me, Julian. Remember?”

“Fine. But the way I want you now, won’t compare to what you expected of me then. Forget this new kid.”

“You’re only interested because someone else is. I was single for a whole year. You had all the time in the world but you ignored me all year.”

“I was scared!”

I feel my eyebrows shoot up. Julian rarely admits that he’s scared and when he does, he makes it a joke.

“Who do you think you’re fooling?”

“I tried to get up the courage this summer but the courage never came. You don’t understand. I’m sorry I let you drown. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. But I needed you. We’ve been friends since we were born. No one could replace you. No girl, even my guy friends…they never say or do the right things. And you never said or did the wrong things. We’re meant to be.”

He stopped and laughed lightly, “You got me out here soundin’ like a female.”

“Now you know what it was like for me.”

“I don’t want either of us to know anymore.”

Those grey eyes. I want to believe him. I do believe him. He’s got that look I’ve seen Donny get when he’s talking to a girl he’s serious about instead of Derrick’s dishonest face. I hate that I know this about him. I hate that I’m initiating this kiss again. I hate that I’m cheating on Will again and probably continually. And all at once, I finally hate myself.