Chapter Eighteen

I've been out of the hospital and school for a week. This concerns me. I don't know what type of hit my academia is taking due to my absence but I don’t like it.

           I’m sitting on my balcony enjoying the heat when Ella comes up behind me.

            “How ya’ doin, Sammy?”

            I turn in my chair.

            “I’m fine.”

            “Do you need anything?”

            “No.”

            “Alright. Well, just holler if you need me.”

            “Will do.”

            Ella was here when dad brought me home from the hospital. She was very upset but once again she held her tongue and didn’t say anything to my father. She didn’t even bother to ask me about it because she knew I wouldn’t say. She’s had me on bed rest ever since. She’s been bringing my food to me and checking on me at night. My sleep pattern is back to its unorthodox schedule so when she does check on me, I’m not actually sleeping. I’ve secretly loved the attention from her because it’s like having my mom around again.

            Julian came over a few nights ago and although it reminded me that I hadn’t heard from Will, the company was great as well as the affection. I felt a bit guilty about being with Julian but Will wasn’t exactly making it hard for me to ignore Julian. As far as Ivy was concerned, I hadn’t talked to her since she told me her story.

            I don’t know what to make of her confession and her threat. She’d killed someone for her best friend, a role I currently occupied. Should I be impressed that she made a mistake on behalf of Audrey or should I be offended that she would do it again and this time it wouldn’t be a mistake? I’m confused. I do consider her a friend and I don’t want us to end but my father is more important to me than a hardcore girl with an abuse complex.

            Everything was so complicated lately. My feelings for Julian were growing whereas my feelings for Will weren’t doing anything at all. My friendship with Ivy is strained. My dad’s been avoiding me which I must say isn’t such a bad thing. And to add to all this, Thanksgiving is coming up next Thursday and my dad’s bringing his girlfriend. The boys can’t make it from Illinois. I’m okay with that, though.

            I let my mind clear and close my eyes. The sun feels really good on my skin and the openness makes me feel free. I’ve been in the house the entire time and I was starting to feel claustrophobic. I yawn and settle in for a nap.

            “Kendall.”

            I jump aggravating the stitches in my side.

            “Ooww,” I moan.

            “Are you okay?” my dad asks.

            “Yeah. You just startled me.”

            “I’m sorry. I just came to remind you that I’m flying to New York for the weekend. Remember we talked about it? I’ll be back Monday morning then we can start talking about Thanksgiving.”

            “I remember.”

            “Do you need anything?”

            “Ella’s been hovering so I’ll be fine. Thanks for asking.”

            He bends down and kisses the top of my head. “See you later.”

            “Bye.”

            I hear his business shoes click through my room and out the door.

            “Gone for the weekend, huh?”

            I laugh at myself. Any other teenager would see this as an opportunity to throw a party but I just see it as an opportunity to sleep peacefully. I think he scared himself when he put me in the hospital so he hasn’t been around but that doesn’t mean it’s alright for me to lose consciousness with him around. Things that aren’t my fault can also result in a beating so I never relax. Never.

            Some  time later the bell rings and wakes me up. I wasn’t even aware that I’d gone to sleep. Whoever it is, dad’s long gone so Ella will send them away. I close my eyes again.

            “Kendall?”

            I quickly turn around and Will is standing there.

            “Will.”

            “Hey.”

            He looks…out of place standing in my room. My dad must be completely gone for Ella to send a boy up to my room.

            I get up wiping the sleep from my eyes.

            “What are you doing here? What if-

            “I heard Julian talking at practice about how your dad was going out of town today.”

            “Oh.”

            “It took some doing to not concentrate on how he knew that," he says not looking at me. "I’ve really missed you.”

            “You have my number,” I retort, not too fond of the implication in his comment.

            “True.”

            He looks unsure of himself.

            “I came to see you in the hospital.”

            “My brothers and Julian told me. Sorry about them. They can be overprotective.”

            “No kidding,” he chuckles.

            “Why didn’t you call?”

            He scratches his head through his backwards baseball hat.

            “I was nervous. I didn’t know if they’d told you I’d come. I didn’t know what to say. And I felt like I had let you down,” he groans. “Ivy was right and I’d ignored the signs. I had a hand in your injuries.”

            “Don’t you dare,” I say. “That wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was just clumsy.”

            He looked at me sideways. “Clumsy.”

            “Yeah.”

            I’m semi-panicking inside because now I know he’s on board with Ivy. He’s accepted that someone in my life isn’t handling me with care so to speak.

            “Have you been talking to Ivy?” I ask.

            “No. She’s been keeping to herself. Actually, without you there she looks lonely. She’s kind of aggressive and antisocial so it’s no surprise that she enjoys her own company but I think she really misses you. Did something happen between you guys?”

            I let this information register. I miss her, too.

            “Sort of but that’s private. I’m positive she wouldn’t want you to know.”

            He shrugs. Ivy isn’t his friend so he couldn’t care one way or the other.

            He begins to move toward me and that brings me out of my thoughts.

            “I’ve really missed you.”

            “I wouldn’t know,” I reply, my bottom lip poking out a bit.

            “Let me show you.”

            He drops his back pack by my side table and takes my face in his hands and kisses me like he did at the museum. I entwine my index fingers in his belt hoops. He smells fresh from the shower I know he took after practice. I’ve quickly forgiven him and the moment seems right so I pull him toward my bed.

            The last time Will and I spoke, we were arguing then we haven’t talked over the last week. I want to show him that I’m still really into him. The only downfall is that I’m not in love with him.

            We sit on my bed. He leans across me, holding himself up on his hands while I move my arms around his neck. I pull away for a second to take off my tank top. His eyebrows go up letting me know that he knows where I’m going with this now. He looks me over and spots the stitches. He gently grazes his right hand over them.

            “Does it hurt?” he asks.

            “Sometimes,” I respond, hearing the sadness in my voice.

            He locks eyes with me while he moves down to my stomach and kisses the scar. It sends chills through my entire body. When he comes back to my mouth, he removes his t-shirt and I smile on the inside because I finally get to see his body. He pulls me closer, kissing me harder. Our breathing is coming faster and more strained now. He goes for the knot in my jogging pants, pulling the bow loose.

            His hands are on my back, unclipping my bra then sliding it up. He kisses my neck and I hear a small moan escape my mouth. I reach for the drawer in my side table. Can’t do The Due without it.

            He sighs, his forehead pressed to mine.

            “What is it?” I pant.

            “You’re not ready.”

            “What?”

            “I know you’re not.”

            “How?”

            “Because this is sudden; too sudden for you. You’re not rash. You don’t rush into things and this is rushing. I’d like nothing more than to do this with you right now, you have no idea, but it wouldn’t be right.”

            “Are you serious right now?”

            He doesn’t say anything.

            “This will help. We’d been arguing and then we just weren’t talking.”

            “Sex doesn’t fix things. It complicates things. I know you’re a virgin, Kendall. This is not something you want to do in hopes that it will make your relationship problems go away. Sex is something you do to show how much you love someone, to improve an already great situation or to maintain an already great situation. This isn't going to fix us.”

            “You’re serious,” I realize getting up, embarrassed. “Well now our situation is even worse because now I feel like a fool.”

            “You shouldn’t-

            He reaches out to me but I step out of his reach, fixing my clothes. He hands me my shirt and that makes me feel even worse; like he doesn’t think I’m beautiful, he doesn’t find me attractive. I suddenly feel ugly. That’s how my father makes me feel and now Will does, too. I can’t handle that. I can’t accept it. He rejected. He doesn’t want me.

            “I think you should go.”

            “Kendall-

            “You don’t know what you’ve done.”

            I feel my body weaken and slump a bit.

            “I didn’t mean to make you feel like-

            “Well, you did. It’s too late.”

            “Talk to me, please. Don’t do this.”

            I shake my head and turn my back to him.

            “See this is part of the problem: you don’t talk to me. You don’t share your feelings with me like you promised you would.”

            “And you don’t want me like I thought you did now get out.”

            “But I do want you.”

            “Ella!”

            He pulls his shirt on and places his hat back on his head.

            “What is it?” Ella inquired coming into my room.

            “It’s time for Will to leave,” I say turning back around.

            Ella crosses her arms over her chest and looks at Will meaningfully.

            “I’ll call you,” he informs picking up his book bag.

            “Don’t bother.”

            He looks at me with intensity and I start to fidget uncomfortably.

            Ella clears her throat and Will takes his cue, leaving without another word.

            “Are you okay?” she asks.

            I nod and she follows after Will.

            I sit back out on the balcony.

            It’s funny how someone makes you feel initially. This little event has made me feel like I don’t know him or myself at all. He was right about some of the stuff he said but it came too little too late. He should’ve stopped me before we got so deep into it but his waiting until after we were topless just made things worse.

            I may not have been in love with him but I’m pretty sure I liked him a lot more than I’ve ever liked anyone and that includes Julian. Then again, for someone who wishes so badly for love, it seems like I’m doing everything to avoid being loved; rather by friends or by special someone.

 

That couldn't have went any worse than if I'd actually planned it. I just wanted to see her, spend some time with her. But when she took off her shirt all I wanted was her body; all I wanted was to be with her. There would be no argument and there especially would be no Ivy to make her doubt me and no Julian to undermined our relationship. 

Despite all that, I knew she didn't love me. I knew she would regret it. And more than anything, I knew that that really wasn't what she needed.

 needeAnd once again, we'd argued. We'd ended on a sour note and I can't say how she's going to take this. Kendall's unstable. Her feelings are all over the place recently. I don't think this is going to end well. I just hope she doesn't completely overreact.

 

I'm starting to feel drained thanks to stupid Will. That's his new name now: Stupid Will. I'm headed for my bedroom door when I hear Ella on the other side. I back up in time to avoid being hit by the door.

"I thought you might want some of my beef stew. Your favorite," she says at the same time I say, "My favorite." 

She sits the tray on my table on the balcony.

I sit down, starving and very pleased with Ella. After I'm sitting and about to dig in I notice that she's lingering and I know she wants to ask about Stupid Will.

"I'm fine, Ella really. I'm just hungry now and it looks great. Thanks for this. Thanks for everything."

She beams at me then scurries away. 

I stuff my face then feel another nap coming on. My body must be conscious that not only is my father not home but he's not even in the state. He's on the other side of the country.

I close my eyes relishing in all the rest I've been able to get lately.

When I open my eyes again, I appreciate the gift of sight so much more than I did a week ago. The vineyards, the forest, the mountains, the stars look so much more beautiful. After taking it all in for a moment, I get up and use my restroom. When I come out, Ella's there.

"How are you feeling?"

"Rested."

"I'm glad. Will you be alright for the night?"

I smile at her subtleness. "Go home, Momma."

She kisses my forehead, "I love you, Sammy."

"I love you, too."

I walk her to the front door, watch her get into her Buick Le Sable and drive away. 

I close the door and turn into the house. It's pretty big. I look up at the high ceiling with the chandelier hanging from it. The stairs to the right curve downward against the wall with a small walkway at the top where you can look down into this very entrance. This massive entry leads back to the kitchen which you can see from here. The living room is to the left not too far from the door. It's a very open space, the downstairs having large, wide curved archways.

I run upstairs, grab a movie then go into the living room. The 60" is plastered to the wall, done by professionals to make sure it's secure. I use the universal remote to control everything.  I pop Footloose into the blu-ray player and crank the volume. Kevin Bacon is a dish especially when he was my age. I let the previews play while I pop some popcorn and grab a six pack of grape crush from the fridge. By the time I'm done, the movies starting. I put everything on the table then flop back onto the black leather sectional and crank the volume up some more. Why not? There are no neighbors to worry about. The horses probably can't even hear it.

I'm immersed in the goings on at the part where Ren and Chuck play chicken on the tractors when I hear someone say my name in my ear.

"Kendall."

I practically jump out of my skin. The bowl of popcorn spills on the floor as I tumble away from the perp and land in a weak fighting stance.

Julian's folded over the back of the couch dying of laughter.

"Geez, Jay! I could've killed you!" I shout because of the loud movie and my pumping adrenaline.

"I seriously doubt that."

I exhale relieved that I'm not being robbed or worse.

He rolls over the back of the couch and slouches comfortably. I jump over the fallen snack and land next to him. He puts his arm around me as Chuck jumps from his tractor into the river.

We quietly watch the movie. When it gets to the part where Ren asks Ariel's dad if he can take her to the dance, Julian breaks the silence.

"I wish I could step to your dad like that. He'd kill me."

"Yeah, he would."

He chuckles. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Anytime."

He's silent for a moment then he says, "Thanks for forgiving me."

I sit up and look at him.

"Where'd that come from?"

"I'm just remembering when we used to do this and then we didn't. I really appreciate you giving me another chance."

I don't know what to say to this. We have been hanging out more lately but I hadn't really thought about it. 

Before I have a chance to say anything, he leans in and kisses me. I hear Footloose by Kenny Loggins playing in the background. Movie's over, perfect timing. 

We kiss for awhile and it's getting kind of heavy. He helps me out of my shirt and I do the same for him. I don't know what's going on. This sudden urge to get laid is not like me at all. It's a strong possibility that I've been talking to my cousin, Grace, a little too much. She loves sex. 

"Wanna go up to my room?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because we're not doing that. We're just doing this."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean."

"You don't wanna have sex with me?"

"I didn't say that. I'd love nothing more than to..." he trails off motioning toward my body with his hands. "I can't, though. You have a boyfriend and I refuse to have sex with you when you're not mine to have sex with. That's not fair to either of us."

"What is with you guys?"

"Huh? You and Will-

"We haven't done it and he won't because he doesn't think I'm mentally ready. 'Sex isn't for fixing things'."

"It's not."

"You guys think you're helping but you're not. You have no idea what this is doing to my confidence. I already have very low self-esteem and self worth. This is making it ten times worse. I feel worthless."

"Kendall," he looks into my eyes, absorbing me with his grey ones, "you're gorgeous. You have no reason to think otherwise."

"I don't believe you."

"I wouldn't be so adamant about being with you if you weren't such a beautiful person."

"I hear what your mouth is saying but your actions and my thoughts are louder than everything and everyone."

"Then look at what my body is saying."

He stands and shows me what he means. When I see his pants I look away quickly, blushing.

"See. You can't even look at it through my pants. You're not ready and that's okay."

I sigh. Why couldn't the situation with Stupid Will go this smoothly? As I ask myself the question, I already know the answer.

Julian puts his shirt back on. "I'm going to head out. My mom wants to go shopping for the Thanksgiving feast, beat the rush and what not."

I nod. 

"Will you be okay by yourself?"

"I'll be fine."

"You guys need to get a dog."

I smile.

He helps me clean up the popcorn then I walk him out. His BMW is idling in my driveway.

He kisses me on the cheek. "I'll call you or contact you in some way tomorrow."

"Bye."

Once he's in his car I close the front door.

Footloose is back at its title page again. 

I sit on the couch thinking about what Julian said. In spite of everything he told me, I still feel unwanted and rejected again by yet againanother boy who claimed he wanted me but when given the opportunity, resisted. I'm wallowing and I can only think of one person who will understand.

I send out a text and wait for a response. 

The doorbell rings fifteen minutes later and when I open the door, Ivy is standing there with one of those pale green army duffles in her right hand. 

"I came as soon as I got the text."

I throw myself at my best friend and she wraps her ams around me, dropping her bag. I realize that despite the short time we've known each other, I need her. 

"I missed you, Highness."

I laugh in her hair and pull back.

"Let's go inside so you can tell me to annihilate. I have a feeling Will has a hand in this."

She picks up her bag and I close the door behind her.

Reviews

[Samantha Lynn]

I am so glad that you decided to continue this story! It's my favorite!