#1 Walking To Work

Terry and Kerry are moaned at by Sheridon whilst going to work, then Sheridon gets moaned at. It's just dialogue.

Sheridon, the oldest and tallest, the twins Terry and Kerry, and Stefan were walking to Debra's
workplace. It was quite sunny, too sunny a day for hassle and stress.
 
“It isn't any nice when you said Michelle was on the phone”, said Sheridon trying to patronise
Stefan for being insensitive, which made him look silly for trying to teach a person who
couldn't even tie his laces how he was insensitive in the first place.
“Why isn't it?”argued Stefan reminiscing at how funny it was to trick him into thinking that his
ex-girlfriend was on the phone.
“How do I put this �" Because my girlf �" You stupid bast -”, Sheridon explained with tense and
rigid body language as he wanted Stefan out of his sight.
Swiftly moving on, I think it's time for some background information about the characters.
Sheridon is Michelle's ex-girlfriend. And he was a lousy one. He was a guy who girls adore,
and want to be with. But also one who disappoints all girls except Tracy once they get to know
him, as he's not boyfriend material. He just keeps slipping up, one day, he left the city for two
weeks and only told his girl once he moved.
 
Another time, they spent the night at her place while her parents were gone. The next day, he
told his mates that he had sex with her, and describing the action in detail. That she invited
him upstairs, and then some, after a cup of tea. Michelle was furious when the word got passed
round to her, a month later, as he was lying.
 
“I'm sorry Sheridon”, Stefan apologised, not meaning it out of obligation.
The mood seemed to cool down very slowly from here on.
“Did you see what Stefan did one day?” asked Terry changing the subject, “He gave his
teacher a black eye”. Nobody replied. Kerry didn't because she didn't like her identical twin to
give attention to a six year old, she longed for herself and Terry to spend time together.
“I need a girlfriend man”, moaned Sheridon.
“Well you could have --”, said Terry only to be interrupted, to prove how dumb her suggestion
was.
“No anything but that. I need a proper one. I wish I had someone who could be my girlfriend”
“She was the one who....”. Sheridon carried speaking. The twins thought he needed to get a
grip. Everyone wondered whether Sheridon was a burden to have as a boyfriend. They recalled
the various silly stuff he did in their minds, and had words for him. But nobody dared to say
those words. Just agree with Sheridon.
“But as long as you believe that , it'll always be true”, lied Kerry.
“True dat true dat, but dat Ryan person is with Michelle now. I can't be like him”, Sheridon
whined.
“I say you beat him up”, Stefan added, only to be ignored.
“I say you date his younger sister”, said Terry thinking mischievously.
Michelle found it hard to hold a relationship with someone who kept failing and making the
wrong choices. When she met Ryan, She decided to leave Sheridon for him and dump him
face to face. So that's when he smashed Ryan's car as he stole her and started an affair.
“That won't work, you should date Michelle's younger sister, Emily. You never know,
Michelle might get jealous”, Kerry said outdoing Terry's suggestion. Terry was furious.
“That's a better  idea. She left me for Ryan. So why can't I date Emily and get her to dump her
current boyfriend? That'll prove how worthy I am as a boyfriend.”, Sheridon said happily.
“But it's risky business pretending to like someone. Taking three people on the pull”, Kerry
warned hiding the fact that Sheridon may get rejected by Emily.
“Which third person”, Sheridon asked like this third person didn't exist.
“You're about to find out...”, teased Kerry.

She was the girl who Michelle told yesterday, to go see Sheridon today to make him happy. It
was Tracy. Sheridon's wish ironically came true. Her presence with Sheridon is a reign of
sadness.
 
“Sherry”, Tracy called out happily thinking that if she used a nice nickname, it would make
her seem like a sweet girl.
“I don't know no-one called Sherry”, said Sheridon looking around.
Stefan started chanting repetitively “Dorkyshades �" Dorkyshades �" Dorkydorkydorkyshades!
“You taught him that! Oh I never knew you were so rebellious”, smiled Tracy grabbing
Sheridon's arms to find some muscles.
“You don't know the half of it”, Tracy muttered referring to how last week he smashed Ryan's
car.
 
“I don't know who you think you are dorkyshades”, Sheridon said wobbling Tracy's dorky and
nerdy glasses “but we're going to Debra's workplace, and you're not invited.”
“But sunglasses make me look cool �" and they add a G to my name. Tracy G  Lake”. Tracy
replied. Tracy was responding to pressure from the outside world, telling her to be cooler.
“Nobody says coool any more. They say sick. Tracy Lake. You're not even supposed to be here.
Family members only.”
“Well Debra says that I should see you more often. She gave me your new mobile number”,
“Well we weren't even going out, I only dumped you when I found my inbox filled with 44
texts from you. Sexual harassment, innit?” That happened before Sheridon dated Michelle.
Tracy had loved Sheridon for a long time and was never going to give up her losing battle.
Sheridon had broken Tracy's heart again. She was fighting a losing battle to win Sheridon over
and make him her boyfriend. Tracy started crying, and she hugged both Terry and Kerry.
“I told you she was a dorkyshades”, gloated Stefan insensitively.
 
Tracy took her sunglasses off then tried to be hugged by Sheridon. But Sheridon didn't want to
give Tracy the wrong messages, that would make her even more upset later on.
“I think you two are suited together”, Kerry commented.
“You have a lot of pent up anger and need someone who cares about you and Tracy needs
someone who can support her”.
“That is preposterous! We're totally bi-polar, opposites. She's too --”, Sheridon was outraged!
“That's amazing! It's so true!” agreed Tracy. But Sheridon had no time to argue, Tracy was
with him and there was nothing he could do about it. And if he did, the word he would be
using after ''She's too'', would surely hurt Tracy's feelings.
She was crying, because she loved Sheridon more than anything, before he was dating
Michelle. She has faced rejection of him so many times before. And that one was the worst so
far, as it told her what made him dump her in the first place. To think that, she could still be
with him now if she wasn't too clingy. Was too much.
“You may be tagging with us, but you ain't got Debra's handbag, so you be best off with my
sisters”, teased Sheridon. Tracy was about to pick up cute Stefan, but Sheridon was far too
important, she continued.
“Well Debra sez if you tag with my crew, she'll make you not grounded.”
“The word's roll with my crew, not tag, forget what Debra says, your crew ain't even tight,
forget our friendship.”
“And besides, you're not even trusted to be in charge of Debra's workplace. I know you like me
anyway.”
“Of course I'm trusted. Here, look at this”, said Sheridon looking through the Hotel
Handbook. Debbie Danks, locked out of hotel room 69, has misplaced her keys. Records show
that they've been placed in your office by Tom but he's not here to show her where your keys are. Debbie only needs to collect her belongings and then leave the hotel altogether. So you
give her another key for her hotel room. What have you done wrong?”
“Simple, phone Tom to confirm they've been placed in your office. Debbie's lying to get a
spare set of hotel keys. She could sell them online”, Tracy assumed.
“Wrong!” shouted Sheridon, “Debbie's real room is 96, she's twisted the numbers round to get
a second room”. The twins found Tracy's reaction to the question absolutely hilarious.
“Okay! Give me another one!” snapped Tracy.
 
“In the hotel corridor, you hear a really loud disturbing sound coming from the hotel bedroom.
There's a lot of movement and laughing and the bed is creaking back and forth.”
“Eeew! Spare us the details!” squealed Kerry.
“Don't be a frickin' chicken you scaredycats.. You enter the room, and are surprised to find an
obnoxious boy bouncing on the mattress laughing and swinging on the top beams of the bed.
How do you get him to stop. He refuses to stop”
“Give him some sweets,  cakes, whatever”, said Terry hopefully.
“Wrong Again!” shouted Sheridon again. “You find some cleanly people , or some people
who haven't got a hotel room yet and bring them into the room. The child will stop as he'll feel
embarrassed to be caught by some people who're renting the hotel room.”
“Are you serious? Let me see that!” Tracy snatched the handbook. After three seconds of
glancing at the pages, each question seemed as preposterous and ridiculous as the one before it.
It was too much info for her brain to process so she immediately dropped the handbook on the
floor without realising it. She picked it up and popped it in her handbag.
“Gimmie dat handbag”, Sheridon spoke nicely.
“Let me roll wiv ya an den I will”, she replied “I know you like me Sheridon....
 
Everyone went silent.
No, really, trying to resist me Sheridon, we're gonna have to get along sometime.
“Name me one time.” insisted Sheridon.
“It was snowin real bad, the bus broke down so we walked to your place for an hour anna half
and you said it was fifteen minutes.”
“That doesn't count. We live near each other.”
“It was April Fools, and we placed chocolate inside the toilet and ice cream vomit on the
carpet and Debra had to clean it all.”
“You're right then”
“We're nearly there”, shouted Stefan pointing.
Tracy started adding up that when she asked Sheridon where he would be yesterday, he
refused to tell her.
Sheridon saw Tracy walking off because she felt like she wasn't wanted. Something had to be
done.
“No, it's not like that. I don't want you to go. It was because Debra's not at work today, so she
could lose her job if we don't fill in for her. Debra said more people would make things more
complicated. But I would be happy if you came”, Sheridon lied, he didn't want to cause any
more distress to Tracy.
 
Sheridon held Tracy's hand out of being obligated to do so, and then they were there. The
ClexaCubicle. A magnificent building, worthy of hotel excellence. They were finally there. 
Tracy found hope that today, Sheridon would leave today with a smile on his face.

Reviews

[Kanattas Atir Enomo]

this was good in some cases, not so good in others. you did a good job of developing the characters and setting up the storyline and plot. however i found the structure a bit harder to read, why does it staart a new line in the middle of ssentences for some of them? and some of the way the dialogue is set up also made this piece difficult to read. so keep up the good work (detail, imagery) and maybe try fixing the structure. it would make this piece easier to reaed in my opinion.

[censorship]

Pretty good first chapter so far! I am keen on seeing what happens next! :)

A little formatting issues but otherwise it's all good c:

[tynamite]

Yes but what do you think of the characters, and my writing ability?

[censorship]

I think each character introduced has a sufficient amount of exposition for readers to follow in the coming chapters!

Writing ability is good! Decent amount of description that you could picture the scenarios in your head :)

[tynamite]

What do you think of Sheridon and Tracy?

[censorship]

On their own, they seem unrootable, but together you become drawn to them and their dynamic for some reason

[Alskar]

Highly unusual narrative style with the author's intrusion. It has to be said that this does not serve as a great story hook, the very beginning with all the names and stuff just read as a big jumble to me initially. Also, your sentences ramble on to the point where I haven't the foggiest what the sentence is even saying. Some definite cleaning up to do there. To be brutally honest, I found the whole chapter very very difficult to read, due to a combination of odd structure, an unfamiliar and uncomfortable narrative style, questionable writing, rambling sentences and mediocre dialogue. I couldn't for the life of me grasp what was going on, even though I wanted to. You have a basis for a good story, but it needs a large amount of tidying up. Plus you need a far better hook to pull the reader in straight off rather than some flat conversation. I'm not entirely sure why you directed me to this one if you wrote it when you were 15, I'm sure more recent writes would display your true ability.

[tynamite]

There's always someone who doesn't like it. I recommend you read my other book Leah Behind A Fence. It's written in a completely different way without the incessant dialogue.

[M Garcia]

Needs some restructuring. A bit of spelling and grammar, which is pain in the butt to deal with. Overall though, great story. Will be reading more.

[OT]

Very interesting story, and a rather strong start to a book! It definitely intrigues us! constructive time: perhaps space it out a bit more so it doesn't read like a block and becomes more eye-friendly, but that's a purely cosmetic comment (but it does encourage when deliberating whether to read). A few little grammatical issues, but they get all of us!! A solid story with lots of potential and with a little spruce up here and there, would be a great piece!!

[Marie Harrison]

I like this story. Loved the characters too.

[E. L. Foley]

I think I'd like to see the background of the characters more dispersed throughout the action--for example instead of having the narrator tell us what kind of guy Sheridon is, let his words and actions say it (and those qualities you set up in the early paragraphs are coming through in the dialogue, so trust that and build on it).

[tynamite]

Good idea, but in the first draft, two people including my English teacher with an English degree who reads books, said it was hard to follow as there was too much information to take in at once. I added the break of narration inbetween the dialogue to give the reader a chance to take things in.

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I liked this, but it was a little confusing. Thanks for sharing. :)

[Dutch Jr.]

Nicely written chapter. I'm curious to see where this goes.

[Roxie Demonia]

nice