#5 My Sister Hates Reading Instructions

Stupidity at its finest!

The stupidity of my family never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes it’s so stupid, that I have to redefine the meaning of stupid. Sometimes it’s so stupid, that my brain shuts down when I see it. Sometimes I have to start being sarcastic, so they can blame themselves for my problems. They ARE the problem, and I will not let them weaken my mind with their indigenous ways. I am happy to be living in the 21st century, whereas they’re better off living in a shack.

 

I woke up one day and my sister was complaining about having a headache. How do you wake up with a headache? Maybe her stupidity gave her too much to think about, and she couldn’t handle it. You see me? I don’t have to ask why some mail through the post comes without a postage stamp. She would ask those questions. Asking stupid questions like that really does my head in. Imagine what it does to her. All those unsolved questions whizzing round her head, can’t be doing her any favours. She opened the box of paracetamol.

 

She popped one out and stared at the tablet in awe. “How does it work?” she asked. “By you swallowing it”, I replied. I saw her put it in her mouth, and then take it out again. I then saw her trying to squeeze it with her fingers, and put it on the side, and bang the curved end of a spoon on it. I looked at her, and she asked me “How do I crush it?” “You don’t”, I replied. “You swallow it.” She was having none of it. Imagine my surprise and horror, when she walked out the room, came back with a hammer, and with one swoop, banged the tablet flat with a hammer.

 

“Nice! Now how are you going to swallow that?”

“Watch me” she replied.

I watched as she scooped up the white remains of the tablet onto her hand, and licked her hand, before swallowing.

“You’re not supposed to do that” I said. “Why?” “Why? Why? You don’t know? Don’t you know that when tablets go into your blood stream too quickly, that you can die? That’s why they’re not Double Dips fizzy sticks.”

 

I got up and took the packet, and I showed her the back of it so she could see for herself. “Dosage: For oral use. NOT�"for DIY usages.”

“So now I’ve taken it” she asked, “What are the side effects?”

I looked at her with  despicable look. I still had the box in my hand, “There are none.”

“Of course there is. They’ve hidden it in the small print. That’s why I don’t read instructions.”

“So now you’ve taken your medicine, it’s time to take that photograph.”

Why I’m asking my sister to go outside with he to take a photograph, I do not know. I remember now. She said the camera is boxed, so she wants to be the first one to use it. And I want to use it first. Sometimes I wonder about things.

 

So there we were going, and we were going to the canal so that she could take a photograph of me. I needed that photograph so that I could have a good one for the school’s paper, which I’m writing an article for. It’s called How To Cope When Your Family Do Stupid Things, and How To Make Them Feel Even More Stupider In The Process. So I need a photo of myself, and it’s not going to be stupid. If I was taking a photograph of my sister, and told her not to look stupid in the shot, all she would do is fold her arms.

 

So we were walking along the canal and the sun was out, She asked me if there was a setting for getting glare off. I told her that if she could find a setting that blocked the sun out, she could. I stood under a tree to illustrate this and waved. She went to me and showed me her progress on blocking the glare. “Hey I’ve blocked the sun out! Look!” I looked to my dismay. I was appalled. She put on a photo frame around the shot, so a cartoon tv bordered the shot, blocking the sun out.

 

“I can still see some glare. I’m standing under a tree. So take that stupid frame off, and take a photo of me, without, adjusting any settings.” I saw the camera flash and after she came to me to show me the photo. “I took a good one this time.” “Let’s see it” I sighed. I saw it. I could not believed it. “What is this?” I asked. “You” she replied. “So why is the contrast turned down? I thought I told you not to change any settings.” “I didn’t. I turned it down before I took the photo with the tv in it.” A jogger was running past us, and he was looking at us with a huge grin on his face laughing at us. “I love watching tv here as well” he said smiling. You see what she does to people? I’ve never met anyone so stupid.

 

I made her revert the contrast.

Now the display was at a reasonable standard for me to have a reasonable photo of me, all my sister had to do was to hold down a button to take a photo of me. This should be relatively simple. All she has to do is press a button. This could not go wrong. To my surprise, it didn’t go wrong. I looked at the photo and I was happy with it. For some reason I had to wait long for the photo to be taken.

I asked her how she got it right, and she told me pressed every button until it flashed.

Reviews

[Marie Harrison]

OMG....this is so funny. I felt like I broke
a rib laughing as I read it.
The jogger grinning as he ran
by was funny!