I hate it

 

I hate it when you smile
Like a sun that spent awhile
Blinding my curious eye
Leaving me wondering why.

I hate it that you're spared
While I'm still here ensnared
In all the pain I bared
Wondering if you cared.

I hate it that it's you
That took me from the blue
To whisper some sweet nothing
While you were busy bluffing.

Author's Note

i had a rough draft of this - and now its edited - thanks to "Time"

Reviews

[Tim]

Hey Jessica.

I know you're wondering why I never left any details but after doing reviews here for about 4 or 5 years I've learned that sometimes people get offended when someone points out things they dissagree with or find odd. And I know people don't want their work re-written by someone they don't know.

"all of this work."

Hmm, did I say that? I don't see it?

"I would Assume you would know how to fix the work needed."

Well, not always but I understand the overall feeling behind the poem. I think your diction, (word choice) lack of detail, and forced rhymes are what bothered me. You've based your poem on rhyme, lets line them up and see what you've got.

smile, while
eyes, why
cared, bared
scared, there
unfair, ?
you, blue
you, bluffing

bluffing? where did that come from?

You've also got a couple of lines that are kind of long which deviates from any established meter: Because you new that there was just more than a bit of pain I bared.
To have fooled me with your disgusting bluffing.

I hate it when its you
Who took me out of the blue (sounds like a tense problem here.)

I don't like rewriting others poems, but here's the way I here it. I've found that compression of lines helps and also using a thesaurus. There's a bit of alliteration here as well. Remember, this is only my opinion, others may like your poem the way it is.

I hate it when you smile
Like a sun that spent awhile
Blinding my curious eye
Leaving me wondering why.

I hate it that you're spared
While I'm still here ensnared
In all the pain I bared
Wondering if you cared.

I hate it that it's you
That took me from the blue
To whisper some sweet nothing
While you were busy bluffing.

Alliteration parts:
Like a (s)un that (s)pent awhile
Leaving me (w)ondering (w)hy.
While I'm (s)till here en(s)nared
To (w)hisper (s)ome (s)weet nothing
(W)hile you were (b)usy (b)luffing.

Whew! I think that's enough. LOL Hope I've cleared things up.

[under-the-water]

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! see thats what i needed. i like how u fixed it up - the flow is like 10000000 times better. I've never been a good rhymer - at all - so i find your alterations to my poem perfect!!! thank you soooooo much for the time that you spent on helping me with this - i really really reallllllyyyyyyyyyy appreciate it! oh and am i allowed to correct my poem with the corrections you gave me? if Im not than i understand - but if i can than that would be awesome!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!

[Tim]

No problem Jessica and yes, you may do as you wish, it's your poem.

[bluntdude]

I enjoyed reading this, you have strong potential to write. I hope you continue to do so. Good job.

[under-the-water]

thank you!! i really appreciate the comment! your awesome :)

[Ayanda Musawami France ..]

i like it.it a reall life situation what you wrote about.
well go!!

[under-the-water]

thank you so much for understanding wat i was writing about! stay amazing :)

[Ayanda Musawami France Bulose]

you welcome.