I hate it

I hate it

A Poem by under-the-water


 

I hate it when you smile
Like a sun that spent awhile
Blinding my curious eye
Leaving me wondering why.

I hate it that you're spared
While I'm still here ensnared
In all the pain I bared
Wondering if you cared.

I hate it that it's you
That took me from the blue
To whisper some sweet nothing
While you were busy bluffing.

© 2012 under-the-water


Author's Note

under-the-water
i had a rough draft of this - and now its edited - thanks to "Time"

My Review

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Featured Review

Hey Jessica.

I know you're wondering why I never left any details but after doing reviews here for about 4 or 5 years I've learned that sometimes people get offended when someone points out things they dissagree with or find odd. And I know people don't want their work re-written by someone they don't know.

"all of this work."

Hmm, did I say that? I don't see it?

"I would Assume you would know how to fix the work needed."

Well, not always but I understand the overall feeling behind the poem. I think your diction, (word choice) lack of detail, and forced rhymes are what bothered me. You've based your poem on rhyme, lets line them up and see what you've got.

smile, while
eyes, why
cared, bared
scared, there
unfair, ?
you, blue
you, bluffing

bluffing? where did that come from?

You've also got a couple of lines that are kind of long which deviates from any established meter: Because you new that there was just more than a bit of pain I bared.
To have fooled me with your disgusting bluffing.

I hate it when its you
Who took me out of the blue (sounds like a tense problem here.)

I don't like rewriting others poems, but here's the way I here it. I've found that compression of lines helps and also using a thesaurus. There's a bit of alliteration here as well. Remember, this is only my opinion, others may like your poem the way it is.

I hate it when you smile
Like a sun that spent awhile
Blinding my curious eye
Leaving me wondering why.

I hate it that you're spared
While I'm still here ensnared
In all the pain I bared
Wondering if you cared.

I hate it that it's you
That took me from the blue
To whisper some sweet nothing
While you were busy bluffing.

Alliteration parts:
Like a (s)un that (s)pent awhile
Leaving me (w)ondering (w)hy.
While I'm (s)till here en(s)nared
To (w)hisper (s)ome (s)weet nothing
(W)hile you were (b)usy (b)luffing.

Whew! I think that's enough. LOL Hope I've cleared things up.

Posted 8 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

under-the-water

8 Years Ago

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! see thats what i needed. i like how u fixed it up - the flow is like 10000000 t.. read more
Dark

8 Years Ago

No problem Jessica and yes, you may do as you wish, it's your poem.



Reviews

I enjoyed reading this, you have strong potential to write. I hope you continue to do so. Good job.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

under-the-water

8 Years Ago

thank you!! i really appreciate the comment! your awesome :)
i like it.it a reall life situation what you wrote about.
well go!!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

under-the-water

8 Years Ago

thank you so much for understanding wat i was writing about! stay amazing :)
Ayanda Musawami France Bulose

8 Years Ago

you welcome.

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409 Views
12 Reviews
Added on July 31, 2012
Last Updated on August 24, 2012

Author

under-the-water
under-the-water

in a box on the side of the rode



About
As a child I was constantly sticking my fingers in sockets and trying to figure out if grief had its own color. more..

Writing