Behind the Buttons

A non-fiction work reguarding a new mother and the experience of her ex (The father of her children) being deployed to Iraq for the first time following the attack on the World Towers.

They always make it seem so romantic. Like Romeo and Juliet, boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy leaves for military to prove to everyone he is a man and he can’t think of another way to take care of his family. Sometimes it’s parental pressure as well but not in my case. In my case it was boy meets girl, boy knocks girl up, boy runs away to join military leaving girl with 3 kids to take care of on her own, girl broken hearted, It took a long time for me to move on and get over those feelings of betrayal and in some cases I haven’t ever gotten over them. I guess that isn’t the part of all of it people want to talk about though is it? He constantly cheated on me during both pregnancies and ended up marrying his high school fling on his boot camp family weekend while I was to pregnant to be there.

My heart was broken and alone. I was 19, I was supposed to go to college, be a famous writer or theater actress. I never wanted to be a mother, that was not the life I wanted, I wanted to be free. Everyday I looked into those sweet faces of my 3 beautiful children I knew that they were my legacy and nothing else and they became my whole world and they mended my heart and filled my life with the happiness I had wanted all along.

I took on two jobs to support our kids and he transferred somewhere on the east coast with his new family he was starting. That would have been ok if things would have just stayed that way. Separate and minimal contact between any of us, he knew if he came back home that he had warrants waiting for him so I didn’t think it would be a problem. While we were together he had gotten a drug problem and became quite violent. There were multiple domestic violence charges, criminal property damage, and other things that I am so disgusted by I don’t even want to discuss it. Something changed though, it was no longer a completely ignore each other kind of life anymore. Things in Iraq were heating up and they had a troop surge to provide security to Baghdad and Al Anbar Province. President Bush had given a big speech about that he needed to deploy  20,000 more soldiers to Iraq and most would be army troops.

I didn’t know how to feel, or if it was even ok for me to ask if he was leaving. He told me himself through a message that he would be deploying and that he wanted me to send him pictures of the kids if I would. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. I sent pictures and letters often until his wife never informed me of his changed address and all of them were sent back to me. I spent every day checking the casualty list’s seeing if his name was on there not sure how I would feel if it was. I watched the news every night wondering if I would see him or if that latest explosion he was in. The war on terror had only put terror into my life everyday and confusion on the feelings I was feeling.

I no longer had feelings for this man, but he was the father of my children. What if something did happen? How would I explain to my children that their daddy had been killed in a war that could have been avoided? I was so scared for him and them. 3,447 troops from his brigade alone were deployed and I had no idea how I would know if something happened to him or who would tell me. The more I checked online to keep an eye on how he was the more it drove me crazy and made me worry more. I started having nightmares and having minor panic attacks when the news would discuss the latest bombings just because I didn’t know if he was in in.

In February there were multiple car bombings killing thousands of people throughout the month.  In march the bombings continued and on the 6^th twelve soldiers were killed during one of the deadliest days since the start of the war. Things don’t improve over April and May and I keep just watching and waiting hoping to hear good news or that he is coming home soon so this torture of worry can be over. June fortunately was a slow month with no real news coming back from the Middle East. How long could this go on? The images coming back from over there were disturbing to say the least but I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. I was so scared for him and knew that despite everything I never would have wished this on him. I wish I would have told him that I forgave him or that I knew he did what he did because he thought it was what was best for us both.

The kids kept growing and I showed them a picture of their dad everyday so they wouldn’t forget him, even though my family objected due to the way he had treated us. They couldn’t understand I didn’t want my kids to not have to grow up without a father. I knew all the stories about how men sent home dogtags and medals rather than living and coming home themselves and I was not ok with him doing that to our children. They needed a father and I needed someone to help me parent. I never wanted to be a parent let alone parent 3 children alone and was so scared for all of us and what we were in for.

In October the British began pulling out their troops and reduce all the way down to 2,500 by the spring of 2008. November 7^th 2007 becomes the deadliest year for American troops in Iraq but all of our allies are pulling out. As thanksgiving passed and Christmas approached I began to feel hope that he would be home soon and all this torture would be over. As my babies now crawling and the oldest standing tried to pull ornaments off the tree and we read “Twas the night before Christmas” there was a knock on our door. I looked through the peep-hole but the snow was making it hard to see. I opened the door just a crack to see who it was, and he was there. Standing in his clean uniform, shivering from the cold, I invite him in with a wave of my hand, shock taking my ability to speak. He hugs the kids them giggling cause of the snow that has fallen off him and onto them. He stands and looks at me, still unable to speak. All I can do is walk up to him and put my arms around him for a hug and whisper, “Thank you, for coming home.” A single tear falling down my cheek but I was able to wipe away before he saw. He handed me present he had brought for the kids and left because his wife and their baby were in the car. With a final salute he was gone again.

No matter how they make it seem on the movies or on television shows, there is nothing romantic or fun about someone you love going to war. It has become such a glamorous thing by the government that you get to travel and get in shape and get plastic surgery for free but yet when it really comes down to it what about the psychological affects it has not only on the soldier but on the family as well all over the United states affecting more people than not then imagine all over the world all the families affected by these wars and attacks. All that pain resonating around us every day for what? What is it really all for and is it really all worth it, is there no other way than more pain and death to find a way to keep the world turning peacefully.