June 2000

Jun 1

 

Today I am going to have a discussion following Anne's example. I keep getting people ask me "are you sad without mum?" I usually smile and try to get away from the answer because I never really think about it. I don't think it's because I don't love her. I mean I love her of course, but somehow I don't think about it. Perhaps I have some sort of longing, but I don't focus on it. Maybe that is because I don't have time. When mum is here all we ever do is fight. And she constantly complains about her eye hurting. By the way, I noticed that it is quite manageable without cleaning and making my bed. However, recently I did think about mum and Pete. They will be coming back at the end of June.

 

I thought these days that it's a pity that my life is not interesting and my journal is boring consequently. But then it occurred to me, what sort of life would be considered interesting? And I didn't have an answer. Really, what do I mean by that? I thought that Anne's life was interesting. But then she did not actually have anything special happen! Of course it was tragic and interesting but it's not like she was describing something clearly fascinating. Maybe apart from that romance with Peter. It does not mean that I want to fall in love myself! Perhaps she did not think herself that her life was anything special. I guess it just turns out that everyone wants something. Let me try to describe what sort of life I would like.

 

To start with I think I want to live in... No idea. America can be alright. Definitely not Japan. But I don't want it to be scary. America sounds scary to live in. We have a big house and everyone has their own room. Mine is very cozy. Like you'd see in TV. The walls are covered in pictures and posters. Ideally I'd have the bed with curtains around it. I have a cute little dog. Pete is still a vandal but he washes his hands after toilet. He is just naughty and snatches things. A weird wish hey? It's because otherwise I wouldn't have a reason to lock up my diary. But I do need to have a door with a lock. Mum and dad can keep their personalities but mum needs to be more cheerful and fairer. It is a pity that I have never been to a live concert. Wonder if I can count the one that I went to when I was 5? And this may be something trivial but I want to have magazines in the house. I just wanted to find a book with pictures for my drawing this morning and could not find any. I wanted to find someone to draw that looks like the actress that played Anne. ... Ah I'm bored with this!

 

Nothing fun at school. I do wish I could have had it the way I described before. But then no matter what your life is like, you get used to it and want something exciting. I should remember this when I think again that my diary is boring. Everyone has their own life. That's what makes it fun. Wonder if this is really so! I do want something unusual! Awwww am I a sweetheart or what? The irony is, everyone that I ever mentioned to growing up in Japan to considered it the coolest thing ever.

 

Yuki has been wearing a bra all the time lately. Wonder what she thinks about it? How can she be not disgusted? Want to talk to her about it at some point. As I was walking back from school, I had a feeling that she betrayed me somehow. Perhaps it is not really fair, but I did not feel like talking to her.

 

Dad went to the bathhouse again. I felt sad and lonely. I turned the music on, switched the lights off, wore a pretty dress and jumped around the room. It must have been stupid but I felt better and it was very fun. See you!

Jun 3

 

The night before dad went to work overnight and I had to go to sleep while alone in the house. I am starting to like this.

 

Got the latest exam results back. I had 11th place! Not fair!  That's out of close to 200 (Japanese) students, based on the total score for all subjects by the way. I actually expected something like this but don't you find it strange? When I had 434 points, that was 4th, 450 - 3rd, 442 - 13th place! Then 438 - 4th and 12th. As you can see, very spread out numbers. I did study. Although this time I did pretty poorly at maths. I carefully read each question and double checked. But careless mistakes were worth almost 20% at the end. Why?

 

Dad took me shopping. I thought we got lost but we made it. I was very happy. It's a massive and very nice shop. Yuki and Karen had recommended it to me. I bought a lot. New runners, a blue skirt, orange culotte, a matching vest. I loved them. Also I chose a new diary book. Australia had very pretty notebooks suitable for a diary. Japan doesn't have ones like this. Such a pity. And you know, I want one where you can write a title on the front cover yourself. I would have called it "The diary of a young girl". Get it? Same as Anne's book. So it looks like a real book. When I got home, Yuki called and invited me over for the night. Of course I was keen to go! And dad is not mum!

 

We had so much fun at Yuki's! First we watched Passport to Paris with Mary-Kate and Ashley. I liked it. While watching it we kept arguing who is who. That was fun. After that finished we went to her room. I had brought the glow-in-the-dark stars and we stuck them to the ceiling by jumping off the bed. So much fun! Then we turned the light off and played some music while recording our voices. Like a story. It was funny but when we tried to sing along that was silly! But never mind. Then we just lied down and chatted. I remembered again that Yuki's been wearing a bra and how disgusting that is. On a whim I finally asked her about it. She said she was not embarrassed because everyone else was wearing one too. Especially all the tall girls. She also mentioned how she hated being tall. You, Ellie, would probably think that we are perverted talking about such things. But no, it was actually kind of nice, that we are so close. I doubt others would not be talking about things like this. Still, I do not understand how she can actually like it (bra). How does she, for instance, feel about her parents knowing? The worst thing about it is the shape and that you can see it through the clothes. If not that, I could perhaps live with it.