June 2000 -3

Jun 14

 

When I got to my English class today I decided to go look for the ducks (about 6 ducks had run away about 2 weeks ago). To make it more fun I called Aya and then a few other kids decided to join us. We girls stuck together and the boys ran away somewhere else. We did not find the ducks but caught a bunch of tiny frogs (it was the first time of me touching a frog!) and went back. We got into a large rice field, full of mud, next door to the house.  Turned out the boys were still out and when we went back out to release the frogs, the boys came running back saying they had found the ducks and they needed our help. We ran to the spot in our gumboots and a hoop-net. The field the ducks were in was about 30 by 30 metres. We surrounded them and waited. But the ducks just sat in the middle and it was impossible to reach them  You cannot just walk across a rice field. The teacher caught up to us too. And then the owner of the field came out and started yelling at our teacher. I did not really listen to it so I don't know what for but it definitely wasn't fair! And it was kind of all my fault. I did not feel guilty about attempting to catch the ducks but I did feel awkward. Because it was originally my idea! Of course, most of all I was angry with that guy! What was wrong with trying to catch the ducks?

Jun 15

 

Today there was nothing interesting at school. But there was a medical check-up. They had to listen to your heart. And although in elementary school it was enough to raise your shirt, here even girls had to be all naked (topless). Of course, you only get seen by a teacher and a doctor but they are human too! The worst thing was that the doctor was a dude! Isn't it terrible?

 

At the cleaning time (In Japanese school there are cleaning times daily) I saw how girls touched each other's chest and also looked into the tops. And right in front of a guy! I didn't follow that! Weird. And disgusting.

 

For the last few nights, when I go to sleep in my nice bed with the curtains and listen to music I feel so nice! I go to bed every night alone now. Yesterday I haven't even seen dad all day. And I like it. I almost wish mum could stay away for longer. I love her but to think about it, I don't like most things about her personality. I like being alone and feeling that I can be happy alone and it's something I can brag about! Although sometimes I think myself as cold. I don't need anyone. Imagine what mum would do if she were to read this! But for me it is better to either be without friends and "annoying" parents or with friends and good parents. Or it's kind of confusing, to have it half way. And I like feeling that I can be self-sufficient. Mum does not know that or she wouldn't have been so angry about dad coming home late and things like that. But yea, to really think about it, I would have loved for mum to be kind and happy again like he used to be once. I can live alone now. I do love Yuki.  It's not something I am generally conscious of but she substitutes mum, dad and all other friends for me. She's been very good to me lately. Maybe she feels sorry for me.

 

Jun 18

 

Today I got up early and went to hang out at Yuki's. We went into chat rooms. There were not many interesting people but then we met a girl who was 13 from Germany. She said that she had a boyfriend and they met online. He lives in England and they haven't met yet. And the most important thing is that he is 20!! Wow. Strange, hey?

 

Jun 20

 

After the swimming class today I asked dad again if I can do diving. Dad replied that he has seen even professionals hitting themselves on the boards. And he doesn't want me to hurt myself. It's not true! I think he just has bad memories about this. Dad had almost broken his neck diving into the lake when he was young, he could have died then.  But what if this is my last chance?! Just this year there is... Even though they are not allowing me, I still can't believe this is final.

 

Once in elementary school I saw a sign on the mirror - if you are in a bad mood, smile and you will feel better. That time I did not really believe in it but I tried and it worked! Recently I remember this rather often. For example when I go to bed.

 

I really want to become a sporty girl. I am actually sporty but I don't have time for it. I don't want to quit my English classes for the sake of a sports club. And then if I did get to join a sports club and got to go on a tournament everyone would be like "aw that American is pretty!"

Jun 21

 

Today during a recess we could play at the gymnasium. I ran into Yuki there and we went to play volleyball with some other girls. Yuki took me into her team and clearly encouraged me. She is so kind! but I kept feeling awkward as if she was pitying me. Like I am so weak or something. And that I have no one but her. Hard to explain this feeling. I am not sure what I even wanted. She really is sweet though...