Chapter 1

A Chapter by KM

There are moments in your life where you ask yourself, “Am I happy?”, “Is this where I’m supposed to be?”, “What if I did THIS instead?” I found myself asking these questions a lot lately.

Adam has been deployed in Iraq for over six months. This is, surprisingly, his first deployment even though he’s been in the Army for the past five years. Having your husband deployed is bad enough but throw in being stationed in Louisiana and add in a devastating event that happened only two months before he left and it creates an unbearable experience. Each day has been a struggle to keep my emotions together.

It was six ‘o’clock by the time I made it home from work. The rush hour traffic always caused me to be late coming home. I poured myself a glass of wine and got comfortable on the couch.

I powered on up my laptop on my coffee table and signed onto Skype. I slumped down in my seat as I realized that Adam wasn’t on yet. It was noon in Israel so there was no telling what he was doing or when he would be able to get on. It was constantly a guessing game on when I would get to talk to him. Adam didn’t really explain to me what his “job” would be over in Israel, which I suppose is for the best. I would probably worry more if I knew all the details.

I took a sip of my wine as I looked around my living room. We lived in a typical four bedroom house in Woodmere, Lousianna. About twenty-five minutes away from New Orleans. Houses here were known for their white wrap around porches and beautiful French doors with complex windows. We have lived in this house for almost two years now. At one point comfortable and homey, the house seemed cold and empty now that Adam was gone.

It’s too big for just the two of us. The point of us moving here was to finally start a family. Both of us being twenty-eight and together for ten years were more than ready to start a family. We had gotten the traveling bug out of our systems when we were stationed in Italy. Not to mention my teaching job along with Adam being a Captain in the Army made us financially stable enough to have a child.

I had gone through all the steps as we began to try to conceive. I spoke with my doctor, bought all the necessary books, even started to change my diet. A couple of months passed. Still was not pregnant. My doctor explained that we should just stop thinking about it and let it happen naturally. A couple of months ago we did just that and miraculously it worked! I will never forget the look on Adams face when I told him he was going to be a father.

I had made him his favorite dinner when he had gotten home from the field. Before we eat, we always pray and say what we are thankful for. A tradition that he had grown up with that we now made our own.

“I’m thankful I have a wife that can cook.” Adam laughed as I squeezed his hand.

“Funny.” I smiled shaking my head.

“Your turn.”

I took a deep breath and looked into my husband’s beautiful hazel eyes. He got more handsome every year. It wasn’t fair. His dark hair was cut short on the sides because of his job but thankfully left longer on the top. I hated when he shaved it all off. His clean shaven face was tanned from being outdoors all the time. He had a straight nose with a masculine jaw line that was topped off with a luscious pair of lips. He was still wearing his ACU uniform that covered his tall masculine form. Yup. My husband was a hottie. Sometimes I couldn’t believe that he chose me. I can admit, now that I’m older, my looks are a lot better than how I used to think of myself. The confidence I have now only came with age. I was a lot taller than most women. Being 5’10 growing up will make any girl self-conscious. My long chocolate brown hair was almost to my waist. I had always struggled growing up to maintain my curly locks but thankfully I had mastered the silky straight look. I didn’t quite have the volleyball player body that I once had in high school but I was thankful that my metabolism was still hangin in there. I had curves that I had hated when I was younger yet now I can appreciate. It’s funny how your perception changes about yourself the older you get.

Adam squeezed my hand and laughed, “Come on food’s gettin’ cold!”

“I’m thankful,” I said softly smiling, “that we’re going to be parents.”

His smile faded as the understanding of my words sunk in.

“You’re pregnant?!” he slightly screamed in my face as he gripped both of my hands tighter.

I couldn’t contain my happiness any longer as I nodded, tears escaping down my cheeks.

He obviously couldn’t contain it any longer either as he jumped from his seat lunging towards me. His hands were planted on each side of my jaw as he began to kiss my tears away from my cheeks.

“I’m gonna be a Dad?” he asked me barely pulling back to look into my eyes.

I grinned back at him, “The best Dad.”

Seven weeks later my world was shattered. I was doing my normal routine; making breakfast, getting ready for work, when I started to have horrible cramps. When I had gone to the bathroom I noticed very light spotting. I remembered reading in my books that light spotting was normal but I just felt completely terrified that it was also accompanied with cramps. I had called out of work and immediately got in contact with Adam to let him know what was going on. We both rushed to the E.R. as the cramps seemed to be getting worse. After waiting for what seemed like forever we were finally seen by a nurse who used a Dopler machine to listen to the babies heart beat. There was none. A Doctor then came in to try and use an abdominal ultrasound to see if there was a different result. There was still no heart beat. He began to speak to Adam and myself but all I could hear was “miscarriage”. Everything else was white noise.

I don’t even remember driving home. I was on autopilot as I jumped in the shower, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. Adam joined me wrapping his arms around me, silently weeping onto my shoulder.

I had lost our baby.

Adam told me over and over again that it wasn’t my fault, but it had to be. It was MY body that rejected the baby.

The following months were the hardest of my life. When I felt like it couldn’t get any worse, it did. Adam was being ordered to deploy for a year in Iraq. There was nothing he could do to get out of it. He had to go.

The telltale sign that I am getting an incoming call on Skype brings my attention to the present. I look down at my laptop to see a photo of Adam with a goofy face. I smile as I click answer. His picture fills my screen.

“Hey, there’s my girl.” He says with a smile. I can only smile back at him, his face immediately pulling me from my dark mood. He’s wearing his light brown army combat shirt , his hair cut shorter. I was already thankful that the connection seemed to be good. Usually there was a delay or the picture would just freeze.

“It was alright. Just one more day until Spring Break.”

I had been working as a high school Language arts teacher since I moved here. I had originally gone to school at the University of Georgia for Journalism, but once I realized that I would be living the unstable life of a military wife I changed it to Secondary education. Don’t get me wrong-I love teaching, it’s just sometimes I wish I could write for myself rather than teach others how to.

“Oh God, is it Spring break already? Please tell me you’re not going on a trip with Ashley?” He said rolling his eyes. Ashley was one of my closest friends in Louisiana. She is a counselor at the high school with me and was a military brat so she at least can relate somewhat to what I am currently going through. Adam wasn’t too fond of her because one, she was currently single, and two, she got pretty wild when she was single. It wasn’t like he thought that I would cheat on him or anything, he just knew how guys responded to me.

I forced a laugh, “No but I’m pretty sure she has something planned down town.”

He sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to win this conversation. He didn’t say anything for a moment as he looked at me. “Are you sure everything’s ok? You seem bummed?”

I shook my head not wanting my emotions to show. They always said that it was best not to stress out your spouse when they are on deployment in case that it would affect their concentration. I hated Skype sometimes because I couldn’t always mask my feelings.

“Today was just a hard day.” I wiped away an escaped tear. I hated crying in front of him. “Nothing specific. I just miss you.”

“I miss you too, babe. More than you know. We are at the half way mark so only six more months ago.” He said trying to cheer me up.

I groaned, “Six months is forever.”

“It’ll go by fast, Puggles, I promise.” I laughed. He was always thinking up new random nicknames for me. Never using the same one twice. I had to remember to write that one down.

We stayed online for the next thirty minutes talking about our plans the weekend until he had to go to bed. I always felt ‘recharged’ after talking with him. I know I shouldn’t let one person have such control on my emotions but I couldn’t help it. We have been together for so long that he had become my comfort. It made me sick to my stomach to have thoughts about something bad happening to him over there.

I swear this day seemed to drag on forever. I began to set up my classroom for the last class of the day. I had been irritated with some of the students today because their heads just weren’t in it since tomorrow started Spring Break. Last period was my lesson planning so I changed a few things to my lesson to try and spark some interest from them. It was always a constant struggle to get their attention and stay relevant with my lesson choices. Something that my, older, coworkers didn’t feel the drive to do.

The kids began to trickle in one by one to sit in their seats. Already I could tell they were more roudy. Thank goodness it wasn’t a full moon tonight.

I walked over to close the door when I heard a laugh from one of my students behind me. As I turned around, the owner of the laugh the student spoke up, “I wouldn’t close it just yet, Mrs. Moore.” he snickered.

I wasn’t in the mood to play games. It was Friday and I honestly just wanted to teach my lesson and go home. I raised my eyebrow as I spoke. “Oh, and why is that, Trey?”

Trey shrugged. “Pretty sure Caitlyn and Mark might want to come in after they get finished making a baby in the hallway.”

The entire class broke into laughter as I made my way into the hallway. Sure enough there was Mark looking as if he was trying to crawl inside Caitlyn’s mouth.

Ugh.

Teenagers making out.

Gross.

I shouldn’t really judge too much about their “enthusiasm” for each other. Adam and I started dating our junior year of high school. Granit I wasn’t big on the whole PDA thing. I was far too shy back then.

I cleared my throat as both students turned to look at me.

“Hey, ya’ll” my southern accent seeping out. “Sorry to interrupt, but you both have five seconds to get into this classroom before I give you both detention.” I said with a smile.

Caitlyn looked mortified as she quickly walked back into the classroom. I rolled my eyes as Mark strutted in.

“Today we’re going to continue our discussion on poetry.” I said walking to the front of the classroom. “Yesterday we talked about the famous poets of the past. Who can tell me some from today?”

I waited for an answer as they looked down at their desks, trying not to make eye contact in fear that I would call on them.

After waiting with no answer I turned around and began writing names on the white board.

“Jay Z?” I heard Mark blurt out from his desk. “What do you know about Jay Z?”

I stopped writing names and slowly walked towards my students as I spoke his lyrics.

    “Yea I'm out that Brooklyn, now I'm down in TriBeCa
      right next to Deniro, but I'll be hood forever
    I'm the new Sinatra, and... since I made it here
      I can make it anywhere, yea, they love me everywhere
     I used to cop in Harlem, all of my Dominicano's
        right there up on Broadway, pull me back to that McDonald's.”

Everyone broke out in applause as I made my way back to the front of the classroom. Bet they weren’t expecting that!

“The famous poets today come from music. Yes of course there are still writers who write the traditional poems as the classics did but music is what is in demand today. Is Jay Z one of my favorite poets? Hell no!” the class laughs as I continue. “But I can appreciate his talent and his, well, most of his messages.”

“Your assignment for the weekend is to get into pairs and pick one song that means something to you and interpret its meaning. On Monday, you’ll explain and play your song for the entire class.” Everyone began murmuring to one another about which song they were going to choose. “But please, for the love of God, try to choose a song that is somewhat appropriate.”

My thoughts trailed desk as they began to break up into groups to begin discussing their song. It was always a struggle to think of lessons that would get them engaged and interested and I was pleased that this assignment got their attention. I wondered to myself if I would have been engrossed in this lesson if I were their age. Unfortunately, Adam consumed my thoughts, both present and past.