All of the Ego and None of the Gaul

Trapped in a fasade of her own making, a thoughtful young woman finds that the thing she wants most, is truly futile.

It was a brisk fall morning and there she sat, head in hand and eyes adrift, gazing upon autumn glories: the vibrant foliage of fall. It was an astonishing sight indeed. Even more, to her, was the idea that the leaves were at their most beautiful when they were dying. It was symbolic she supposed, a final hurrah before the tree released its luxuries to acclimate into the cold and prepare for winter. There was something essential in this process, it reminded her of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. How the few years before his death, the world would be utterly and beautifully transformed in preparation for his death. It would stand to reason then, that humanity is now in the winter phase, desperately awaiting the return of spring.

 Her pondering came to a sudden halt at the sound of a singular word, “Alissa!” 

She lifted her head to see her dear friend, James waiting on her “Alissa, come on! Let’s get going, we’re going to be late. What were you even doing?”

“Looking at the leaves” she responded innocently. “Aren’t they just gorgeous?”

He chuckled and sighed. “Yes, yes, very pretty come on now, we have a wedding shower to get to.” Without hesitation she grabbed her bag, and the proceeded to the car.

“I don’t understand how you can do it” James teased, adjusting his mirrors.

“Do what?” She questioned.

“just look at beautiful things for hours on end, completely zoned out.”

“Well,” she began “I suppose there’s something so fundamental in the beauty of the world, ya know? It’s as if in some circumstances, it all just points to God. He didn’t need to make things beautiful.”

“huh. Yeah, I guess so” he turned to face her with a wink, “pretty lucky for me eh?” She smiled and looked down, how kind the world was to her; and yet, somehow, how miserable she still felt. James was a good, Godly man. He worked two jobs and was in school full time, they had been friends for so many years he was practically family. They had gone on a few dates but tonight was an exception, their friend Jason was getting married so, Alissa and James were going for the sole purpose of supporting him.

The car pulled up to a modest but tidy house. Inside, the loud hum of excited conversation and sweet aroma of warm chocolate filled the rooms. Her stomach turned, “awe freak James, I’m so nervous now, I don’t wanna go.”

“You’ll be fineeeeee” James reassured her, kissing the top of her head “look, there’s your friend Jessica! Go talk to her, you’ll feel better then.” Alissa walked over apprehensively; her heart heavier than she let on. She didn’t mean to be so unsure; her friends were so kind to her and yet she repaid them with timidness. It was just a lot to take in, she justified her anxiety to Jason’s fiancé, Sarah who found Alissa quite distasteful. Who could blame her? Alissa pondered. “If I was Sarah, I would hate me too.”

The words resounded in her ever-lowering head. She didn’t want Jason, not at all, but that, one could suppose, was the problem. Jason and she has been friends since they were children, he thought he loved Alissa, but he didn’t, how could he? He didn’t know who she was, he did a bit, she supposed. He knew she loved chocolate and politics, but he didn’t understand her and he ultimately, he didn’t appear to care to. It was all a lie. Everything was, when she looked upon the room of people, she no longer saw her friends, but simply a gathering of people. People who once were her friends but now viewed her as either a liability or an excess.

She quickly made a b-line for the bathroom, “space” she told herself “maybe I just need space.”

 In reality she wanted to be reassured, and she found her appearance to be remarkably effective at this. Whenever she was feeling down or stressed, she would turn to her looks. It was stupid, she understood that. But she had consistently maintained the pathology that ‘f I was prettier, I wouldn’t face any issues socially. She didn’t know from where it came or how to overcome it, all she knew is that she found security in beauty.

Once in the bathroom, she locked the door firmly behind her and indulged her vanity. How beautiful she was, she knew it too. Facing the mirror, she carefully examined every crevasse of her face, her hair which was generally disheveled, was now a straightened, shiny, chocolate brown; Her eyes, a deep hazel that glowed in the sun; her skin was fair and smooth with a large splattering of freckles. She chuckled to herself oh vanity, what have you given me but strife? I am pretty enough that women hate me, but not pretty enough to get a boyfriend.

The train of thinking stopped; how selfish it was to devolve into self-pity she supposed. Here she was, at a party celebrating the joy of her dear friend finding his life partner, and all she was doing was wallowing in an endless, self-inflicted conundrum. She said a quick prayer, and with newly found gusto made her way to Jessica.

She was interrupted by a voice of a phantom, someone who’s existence she had shoved far to the depths of her mind. “Oh hey Alissa! It’s so good to see you!”

She turned to face the voice and saw a young man. He was tall, wearing his patented checkered sportscoat and slightly ill-fitting jeans, fashion never was his forte. His face was unassuming and kind, his smile jovial and his deep blue eyes bursting with life. Atop his head he sported a mop of wavy chestnut hair, manicured to the smallest degree of which he could get away with. Her heart sank deep into her chest, like a ghost from regrets past she gazed hopelessly into his gentle eyes, desperately searching her mental archives for the right words to say. “Oh… hey, Charles!” She stammered “I didn’t see you, I’m sorry. I... uh, how have you been? I haven’t see in you since…”

“Jason’s camping weekend?”

“yes! Uhh yeah.” She shook her head and lifting her hand to her face. There was so much she wanted to say, so much only he would understand, so many thoughts she longed to make known to him and now he’s here, and what to say first? “So, tell me! His exuberant voice interrupting her spiraling thoughts “How have you been? I want to know everything.”

“Everything?” she teased, “Well, that’s certainly a lot of ground to cover.”

“C’mon greenie” he laughed, “You know what I mean, basic stuff, jobs, family, friends… special friends” his eyes twinkling with mischief. Alissa rolled her eyes, the faint hint of a smile pressed between her lips. “No, not really”

“Didn’t James kiss the top of your head when you came in? That’s strange behavior for friends.” Charles goaded

“Oh, yeah we’ve gone out a few times but it’s nothing serious ya know? We’re just hanging out”

“Uh huh”

“What? I’m serious! I know he really likes me I just don’t know if I’m into him.” Her voice paused she looked up again her eyes tracing the golden rim of his deep ocean eyes.

“Come on Alissa, talk to me, what makes you question if you’re into him?”

“Well, he’s nice, and hardworking, and decently attractive”

“but…”

“But... I don’t know. I love him as a friend and he does understand how I work but, not… well, me. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if he even knows that I can do more than look pretty and be mildly entertaining.”

“I take it he doesn’t like politics” Charles joked

"No.” Alissa sighed “He does not. But it’s more than that, I feel as if there’s a whole side of me that he is incapable of seeing. There is so much more to life and culture and society than just living and I don’t know if he recognizes it, or if he can even see it at all.”

“huh” Charles tilted his head to look just past Alissa’s shoulder as he did often when he was thinking. “I can see how that could be frustrating. You always did spend so much time thinking, it’s really his loss if that’s all he likes you for but, I’m sure that’s not the case. Life is so complex, and it’s really is crazy how much there is to learn, it’s actually insane how little we actually know...” His voice began to trail off as the appearance of a young woman came into periphery.

“Oh, yes Alissa! Here, meet my girlfriend Jane!” as the woman approached Alissa was able to get a long, hard look at her. She was of average height and rather plain, her eyes held a gentle love and softness which made one feel instantly at peace. Her clothes were modest and well taken care of, her long dirty-blond hair was tied back in a red flowered scarf. She wore some makeup, but it was not applied as well as potential may have allowed.

“Hello” Jane sang. “It is nice to meet you…”

“Alissa” She replied as kindly as she could shaking Jane’s delicate hands. Alissa could act shocked, but that would’ve been a lie. She was all too aware of Charles’s new girlfriend, as much as it damaged her ego to admit it, she had been keeping tabs on him since high school via many nights of social media stalking. What a blow to her sensibilities to find that the one man who managed to win her affections was in love with such a plain Jane woman.

“Now, Jane is the most humble, and compassionate woman, I have ever met.” Charles beamed. He reached out and firmly wrapped his arm around Jane’s delicate frame. Jane looked back up at him and then back to Alissa flushing gracefully “Oh, ha-ha.” Jane gushed “No, he gives me too much credit! We’re all sinners, I’m just doing the best I can. He’s the real catch. He’s so smart and caring, always so kind to me even when I really don’t deserve it. Completely out of my league.”

Yeah, no kidding. Alissa’s mind grumbled. There was something deeply archetypal about Jane, Alissa’s mind immediately drew a parallel to one of her favorite movies “gone with the wind”. What a frikin Melanie.

  Of course, she didn’t ultimately mean this in a derogatory way, for she longed to be one herself. How badly she wished to be a kind, gentle woman whose greatest attribute was her humility. I suppose that makes me a Scarlet. Alissa pondered, except I actually have some kind of conscience and I guess, exponentially more cowardice. Hey look at me! Your favorite self-conceited brat without the bravery to do what I want to do. All the ego and none of the gall. Her eyes tightened slightly with internal anguish, then refocused on the contented couple.

Alissa’s expression softened on the both of them, her eyes relaxing down. how happy they do look. Charles nose nuzzled into Janes hair whispering what could only be assumed to be tidbits of his affection. Alissa let out a gentle sigh. Her big eyes looked desperately into Charles and painfully, she let out a “I’m happy for you Charles, I really am.” Redirecting her gaze to Jane Alissa continued, “You too Jane, Charles is a good man, take care of him.” Her head slumped down mildly, she meant what she had said. I don’t know why I'm like this, her cheeks forcing a smile. Why do I want what does not want me, and to not want, what does want me? I suppose, I should take refuge in the fact that this is a universal human dilemma... after all, it couldn’t be an architype, if it’s unique to me alone.

“Well, I should try to find Jessica now, Bye!” Alissa blurted. It was as casually as she could manage but it actually came out better than one would assume. With that, she turned and began to make her way to a door, any door, she just needed to get out. What a fool she felt of herself, finally she had the chance to reconnect with the man she loved and what did she do? Throw it away and get flustered. I suppose he thinks I’m an airhead now, just like everyone else does; and after that interaction, who could blame him?  The perpetual lie running circles in her mind: If I was prettier, I bet this wouldn’t happen, he would see me and instantly be drawn to me.

  She slowed her stride until she came to a natural halt. She bent her neck back and looked once again on Charles and Jane. In the depths of her heart boiled confusion, envy, and arrogance. How could he love someone who looks like that when he could have me?  In her soul however, she knew why. Jane had the strength of character Alissa so sorely lacked. Jane never gossiped, she rarely lied, and she was unequivocally kind to everyone. Love radiated out of her like few others. Alissa didn’t hate her, how could she? How could anyone?

Alissa opened a cream-colored door that led her out onto the pine balcony. The balcony overlooked little except some trees and a complex of blue houses with white trim. It stands to reason, that the one man who really sees me for me, doesn’t want anything to do with me. How miserable this made her. In her mind she couldn’t help but chuckle, her situation mirrored perfectly with something one of her professors had told her “if he really is Mr. right, he'll take one good look at you and run away because he’ll see you for exactly what you are.” In one fluid motion she twisted herself around and relaxed her weight on the freshly cleaned railing.

She looked on at the party. She was an avid observer, she found it fascinating to watch things, people in particular, but also animals, nature, and water. Often, she would be more insecure standing alone outside the celebrations, but not tonight. Tonight, she was content to see the people and their interactions with one-another. What a curious thing, she pondered. All these people are here to celebrate love, like we have any idea of what it even is. What is it then? A feeling? A life style? A choice? I’ll be damned if I know. She turned her head to survey the rest of the room and locked eyes with her beloved Jessica.