Sugar Plums, Mistletoe's and Screaming Fairies

a Christmas story HO HO HO

Sugar Plums, Mistletoe's, and Screaming Fairies

 

“Stop screaming and buzzing around in my ear you insufferable pixie b***h, I’m not deaf you over-zealous fool. I just choose not to listen to your endless prattle about me being overweight, and my need to exercise, and change my eating habits.  I’ve been eating sugar plums, cookies, candy canes, crumb cakes, and drinking milk for centuries on my Christmas runs. They may not be nutritious but they’re so delectably delicious and to give them up and demand that the children leave me fruit bars, yogurt, sugarless wafer cakes, and unsweetened tea over milk instead, is just not going to happen.“

 

The little pixie brat flew out of his ear and fluttered up his nose. She started plucking out his nose hairs and wreaking havoc with his sinuses. He tried to blow her out his nose but she was too fast for him and somehow got into his throat and slid down into his stomach. That little vicious flea imp was making him nauseous. He shouldn’t have called Tinkerbell an ‘insufferable pixie b***h’.  She could get quite sensitive when it was that time of the month, he should have known better.  She was now poking her fingers in his heart giving him heart pains.The maniacal pixie was attempting to give him a mild heart attack and a severe case of diarrhea. He forgot how lethal a little pixie can be.

 

“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry for being so prickly and rude. I admit it; I’m way too fat and probably can lose a few pounds. But please don’t make me go cold turkey. Eating cookies and drinking a glass of milk at every stop is one of my endearing signature moves. Also my round belly and hearty laugh is legendary. How would it look if they saw a thin Santa with a wimpy laugh climbing down the chimney? You know it would look ridiculous. We need to compromise a little. So please, I’m begging you, find it in your heart to forgive me, get out of my body, and let’s talk.” 

 

He ran to the outhouse as she bored her way through his colon, found an opening, and flew out. He reached the toilet just in time. He felt like all of his insides were pouring out of him.  He stayed in the toilet for the remainder of the night. He assumed Tinkerbell was probably in the woods thinking things over.  Old Nick became dehydrated but was grateful that was the only price he had to pay for incurring the wrath of the fairy queen.

 

............

 

“Wake Up! Mr Cringle, Wake Up! It’s time to get that fat old body out of bed. The reindeer need feeding and the elves need to know what toys are to be made today. Don’t worry I also made you breakfast, poached eggs and eggnog.”

 

I was afraid to open my eyes. If she was in her natural form as the stunningly beautiful forever young looking fairy queen, I was in for a mighty tongue lashing amongst other things. If she was in her little pixie mode, then she was still angry, and I was in for a lot of pain.  I truly hoped she was in her wifely mode, it meant that she forgave me and was ready to talk.

“Don’t be a baby.” Said Tinkerbell, “Open those beautiful blue eyes, I’m sure you’ll be relieved at what you see.”

 

I opened them and to my relief Mrs. Jessica Cringle, AKA, Mrs. Mary Christmas Claus was staring down at me with a warm smile. She said,

 

“Okay Pan, we’ll do it your way. We’ll do it in stages, gradually, and in a few decades we’ll get you fit and trim. You’re taking this Santa Claus role very seriously, but I would like to see the Fairy King now and again. “

 

“It’s a deal; let’s seal it with a kiss under the mistletoe.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas

 

The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RC

12-13-2016

©Robert F. Callaci All Rights Reserved

 

 

Author's Note

HO HO HO, Twas the Night before Christmas ...